What do I choose?

I have to sit and write for a bit before I work. I want to do this more frequently, but alas, I am easily distracted. I have mostly finished this one piece that I am giving to a friend for her (now belated) birthday. It took me a while to just embrace it, but I think it's really awesome and I plan to do the same process again for a different piece and I am happy that I've had some practice. It's really cool. I may just repeat it several times over just to make an inventory for upcoming markets or something like that.
Anyway, it's been a great process.

What's not been a great process is that I have been feeling like I have allergies for the past week and I have no logical reason why. But when I shelf the logical part of me, I hypothesize that my congestion is due to the fact that I am not doing enough work toward my desired vocation. I am not expressing myself in the best way. I am not fully committed to the process. Sure, I do some one off pieces and think that I am "back in the game" but then I fantasize about getting PT work so I don't have to think about money (which is always how I do it...even if I have enough money).

This block/congestion is a great way for me to focus on the deeper issues at hand.

FEAR. EXPRESSION. CREATIVITY. PERSONAL POWER. CHOICE.

All of those are 5th chakra issues. 5th chakra is a common weakness for me. I usually act in fear to get what I want and of course, I don't usually get what I want exactly. Yes, finances are secured...and then what? I still worry and the worry doesn't help. I usually listen when my body freaks out because it doesn't do it very often. And now with this daily congestion, I am all ears.

I don't think being an artist has been a spiritual experience for me yet. I feel it in my heart, which is part of it, but when it comes to connecting to God, I don't exactly look in my art for that 'tingly' feeling. I certainly don't ask for guidance regarding my art either. I just march in, work on stuff, and unfortunately, march right back out. No crying in gratitude, no euphoric moment of clarity, no internal knowingness of right livelihood. Each piece I work on is accompanied by frantic, frenzied worry coupled with negative self-talk and preparation for possible fiasco. I don't believe God shows up in those moments. I don't invite Spirit in for those sessions. I am all grins and smiles when I am done, but it's a private (lonely) battle when I work. I spose that takes the fun out of it. If the time working is laced with worry, then no wonder I don't think this could work out for me. What a shame.
It's too bad that I let myself get to myself...I really am very creative. I really do get inspiration from my dreams, and my life, and the imagined beauty I see in my mind...I feel divinely inspired, but then I feel abandoned while I work. Or maybe I feel like I have to 'go it alone' when I work. What ever happened to Divine Collaboration?
I like feeling industrious but what happens when I'm not? Is my worth only about creating something pretty and useful? What about expressing myself through fabric and fiber? What about inspiration and collaboration? What about creating something to instill a sense of Spirit in others? It's not all about the money...it never is. When I think of someone's home, and poor feng shui movement, I get an image of something I can make for them. When I see house after house with the same IKEA artwork, my heart sinks a little, because I know those people have individual creative pulses that long to be expressed. When I daydream about my future artist's loft, I see all things made by us, using our ideas and industriousness. I have books and books of architects, designers, artists, and creatives who have chosen to realize their artistic vision in their home, no matter who small, awkward, or out of the box it may be. I surround myself with those people, those homes, to help me create that in my own life. Could I possibly take a solid-color IKEA couch cover and alter it? Could I make curtains that inspire me on my way to the kitchen?
Somewhere in the distance, is the Universe calling me to acknowledge who I am, what I do, and what I gift to the world? And can those things be inspired by artistic vision?
I guess I expect everything to be so hard. I expect that I can't be an artist because I should have a harder time first. I should struggle more. I should not be allowed to do something that comes so naturally and easily.
I must admit however, that I am always relieved when I come back to this place (this place of only being satisfied with creativity and artistic endeavor). Artistic vision and imagination is something I find so much comfort in. I don't always have to realize every idea, but I really love having the ideas. They are as comforting as libraries and sun-filled cafes to me. When I let go of our messy apt and not making any money right now, and feeling like my work is just like everyone else's, I am quite happy underneath it all. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have proof because I wrote it down when I was 8. I made sure to document my youthful aspirations...because they were important.
If someone told me I was here on earth to be an artist, my heart would sing, and I would sigh in relief.
*moment of reflection*
I guess that someone has to be me. I can hear the other voices in my stadium cheering...but the most important voice is the one I hear in my heart: mine. I want so badly to be an artist. It doesn't mean that I feel 100% confident in my abilities all the time, but the strongest images I have of my future are where I am able to express my creativity, not just as a hobby in a second bedroom, but as my livelihood. As the thing that gets me up in the morning (this morning I got up just to show Josh the piece that is almost done...) and connects me to other people and the world...I can see that so clearly. I guess now all I have to do is commit myself and move forward.

I don't have to pick a medium or graduate from a school with a degree...I just have to choose this life for myself. My body, heart, and soul choose it but I have to allow my mind to really see how art benefits me. It's almost anti-climatic. Choosing something that I have always been. It broke my heart when people asked me what I did...nothing I said felt good. Student, bum, temp worker, house cleaner...I think I answered artist once and then when someone asked what medium, I froze and never said 'artist' again. ALL MEDIA. ALL ART. ANY ART. I'll take art, design, production, theorist, historian. It's all interesting.

Wow. I feel really good right now. Seriously. I feel really light and clear and warm. I feel a lot closer to God even. I am an artist. I am an artist. I AM AN ARTIST!!!
I could just say that all day long. I am an artist. I love that word: artist. It even looks cool: art-ist. I do art. I make art. I live art. I breathe art.

I have never worn 'artist' with confidence. Even in art school, I felt fraudulent...I thought I should look like the other students. I wasn't tortured like Van Gogh or inventive like DaVinci...I struggle with everything. I don't have sketchbooks and award winning ideas...does that still make me an artist...you bet!

Nobody gets to define what being an artist is for me, except me. I don't have to have a studio or a business license or a plaque or a degree...I get to say I'm an artist simply because I WANT to. I get to own what it means for me. There are no checkpoints. Nobody can take it away. I have been creative all my life and that is just who I am.

Okay, I have to go now. I have things I want to do.

Creating a Life Worth Living

I'm reading a book by this title.
It's really great because it talks about how artists and other creatives go through their process of making a living. The books says it better than I do.

I have been working a lot lately, which is hard for me but also good financially. Hopefully next week I will have more time for the fun stuff. I am working on a project that I feel really good about. I am taking my time and trying to a good job, rather than finish and hand over something mediocre. It's nice. I know it's good when I don't want to give it up.

In CALFWL the author talks about doing an activity that she recommends is done first thing in the morning for 15 mins. Meditating, journaling, something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking. A brain dump, if you will.
I get up and right away start doing stuff, not having set up how I want my day to go. Sure, I have an idea, but I don't face the daily demons and they usually follow me around. There is something about a routine that I find comforting but I have to make one and then I have to follow it. All of a sudden, life gets too crazy to live with a structure. I think it's hard for me to be disciplined while living with someone. I had this chunk of time, a while back, when I was living alone, when I had time slots and activities...writing, walking, preparing food, etc. It was nice to know what I was doing...but then again, I had minimal contact with people. I sat at home and read mostly...I am afraid to get back into that and resent any companionship along the way.
I think I can get up in the a.m. and write though. That seems simple enough. I spend 15 minutes doing a lot less. :)

I am starting to exercise more, which feels REALLY good. I am trying to up my energy levels because I find that with more energy, I am more motivated to do creative stuff. I don't like to do anything half-assed so the more energy, the more likely I am to complete something that I am proud of.

I am having interesting dreams, but I am not writing them down so they slip away as I wake up and start my day. Although getting up has been torturous, the sleeping part has been fine. Our house has turned into a mad labratory with no maid in sight of cleaning it...I guess I get enough cleaning at work. I can't WAIT for a new house with ANOTHER BEDROOM. Girl needs some space to work.

Okay, I think that's enough from me. I have a few things to get done...

The Dark Side

And there's always a dark side...
I feel I have been pretty well-contained during this blogging experience. I have methodically looked at all the stuff that has come up, explained, reasoned, or organized it into little boxes, and then ended my entry and go on to do other things in my day.
Damn.
I've been bombarded these past couple of days (weeks?) with strange images of myself...and of course I am not actually that person I see in my images. I'm this slumped over, inactive, trying-to-fool-myself, pretend artist. No, that's not fair. I do see myself as an artist...just a lazy, can't complete anything, no self-worth one.
And no, this isn't a "poor me, I'm so awful" rant...this is just what I think. I have taken over our living room and dining table (which we were so excited to get, and now has been lost under my "crafts") and still I feel tortured by the fact that I feel paralyzed. No writing, pep-talking, good-food-eating antics have helped, it seems, and still I sit here waiting for the hand of God to give me a push.
And then I protest, "I have been given a push!"
I have not been able (or wanted to) have too many houses to clean, I have been making good money (from lots of odd gigs), and I don't have to worry about the wedding costs. So what then?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is in my way? I know how to sell stuff online. I know what's fashionable. I have supplies, space, time, and all that stuff...so who is this demon that keeps me from moving forward, WITH CONFIDENCE, into the freakin' light?

me.

But what do I hope to accomplish by keeping myself at bay?

I feel like my own drug dealer. I am addicted to this mediocrity. I really am. I know I want to live my highest best...I can see it in the distance...but then when I look at myself in the mirror, I see something totally different.

So what happens when I live my highest best, as if I have it at my fingertips (literally)?

It takes more work. I have to work a LOT more. Be a lot more vigilent. Say no more. Say yes more. I have to be seen...ugh. That's a lead weight right there. I have to be seen! I have preferred this solitary life...I prefer the automatic boundaries that come with being introverted, happy in my solitude, unwilling to "get out there" and "be someone." The work...I have always been afraid of too much work. And yet I clean houses. That doesn't feel like work, I guess. The hardest work to me is the commitment to myself...the constant, unwavering, strong, powerful commitment to myself. And I don't mean that in the "I go to therapy and 'love myself' " sort of way. Been there. I mean in the everyday, talking to friends, family, and strangers, smallest details sort of way. I live neither too anal or too crazy. I stay in the middle just in case I don't want to be anal one day. I claim to like things a particular way and yet I am too lazy to pursue that specified result...instead, I enjoy the constant critique of my lazy behavior! That's always fun. Or not.

When I live at my highest best I can't take life only going to ten. IT MUST GO TO ELEVEN...or more!
Most of what I have built from the past would have to be looked at, if I lived my highest best. I would have to examine my stuff, my values, my actions, my lifestyle, etc. God. That would be too much.

But would it?

I mean, would it be more energy to continue on in the same old vein or to clear out the cobwebs and get focused on what I want my life to be?
I know the answer...but man, it doesn't make it easier...

So let's go down this path. Might as well, since we're already here. Let's paint the picture.

If I lived my highest best...

(We'll start with the material stuff first, since that's where I hold most of my visual images)

I would have a large loft. In this loft I would live with Josh. It would have dark, hardwood floors and the one brick wall would have floor to ceiling windows so I could watch the world below. The downstairs part would have an open floor plan, where the dining area, living room, play room, studio would all be...but divided by creative walls, screens, fabric, etc. I would have this AWESOME work space that I designed and get to live my dream of art supplies in wire baskets (lots of my images come from design mags and IKEA). The desk would move (of course) so that it could be out of the way, or right up against the window.
Our bedroom would be simple and rich. Darkish fabrics in the winter and fall and we'd switch them in the summer and spring. Most things can be changed in our loft so that the space is always accomodating to our moods (I met a family that did this...changed things every 6 months...oooh, how I wanted that!)
We'd have a separate place for computers and papers...NOT ON THE STUDIO DESK. It would be organized and anal, like I like it. In contrast, I would never have to clean up the studio desk.

Our living room would really be the kitchen area with couches and chairs. There would be a stove top island so that whoever cooked could be participating in the conversation. We'd entertain all the time, of course. Movies, rituals, community fundraisers, slideshows, private art displays, game night, poetry readings...We wouldn't have a tv...just a projector and screen. Keeping things simple.
Our bathroom would be a haven. Our own mini-spa. Woods and natural light and plants and easy to clean surfaces (cleaning other people's houses has made my eye keen to simpler upkeep). Sky light. Composting toilet. Radiant floors. Insta-hot water. Huge tub. No walls on the shower (again, this is all about easy to clean).

The kitchen would be a food studio, really. A place to create masterpieces of food. Stainless steel, industrial, simple. Small fridge. Drawer dishwasher. Spices and staples would be abundant. (we would order big bulk items!) We'd have dinner parties and gatherings and always be ready to offer an amazing meal (no matter what food requirements there were!) to any guests who just want to stop by.

The "walls" that separate parts of the main room are only 7 ft high...we can hang pictures on them but they are 5 ft wide and on wheels so we can move them around...we can paint them, leave them blank, cut holes in them, hang pictures, art, etc. Kind of like set walls...but more mobile.

Our furniture is simple, firm, mobile, and modern. The couch can face the kitchen or a wall for movie watching or it can just be in the middle of the space. Dining can be anywhere but we have a table for more 'formal' arrangements.

The kids' rooms are downstairs so that we can have the upstairs.

Okay. Now for the personal details.

I work a maximum of 6 hours a day. I wake up early to enjoy my non-caffienated breakfast beverage and write for an hour. I write articles for magazines, websites, my own blog, and my own art. I also write letters to friends living in other places.

I do a little yogalates, some crunches, and jump on the trampoline while I listen to c89.5 on itunes (people are still sleeping!).

After that I spend time fixing a really healthy and delicious breakfast. Fresh-squeezed juice, oatmeal with fruit, wheat/gluten-free toast with vegan butter. Sometimes I'll make vegan, wheat-free french toast.

Then I shower in my luxurious, yet sustainable shower (greywater gets filtered through our residential living machine so that we can use it to water our rooftop garden). I put on a a funky top that I have made and comfortable pants that keep me warm.

Then at 9:30am (I wake up early!) I hit my studio table and continue working on custom pieces for a few clients. One piece is a tapestry for a family that is having a reunion and wanted a family tree. It's all fabric, but the family has given me pieces of their own clothes to represent them. And there are slots for pictures, as well. Another piece is a feng shui item and it's designed for the relationship area in a couple's house. It has deep pinks and reds and represents their first year of marriage. It's an anniversary present.

I have turned off the phone ringer but I can see it ring in case I want to get a call. I turn on itunes to listen to a podcast about the bioneers or Design Matters.

I work for three hours and then I have another scrumptious meal. Josh calls me from work and we chat about our news. I tell him that I have finished 1/2 of the family tree and he tells me that he has taken his new learning module to a meeting for critique.

I return to work for another three hours. My work is interrupted by my constant visual inspirations for other projects which I sketch in my sketchbook. I cut out early to head to the fabric store (not everything can be done online...) and get some ideas for colors.

When I get home, I play some music while I clean up the house a bit. My friend calls me on the phone to say hi and we chat for a bit about what's new. I start dinner so that when Josh comes home, he can join me in the kitchen to cook yet ANOTHER amazing, but simple meal.

I check my email and phone messages. I get an email from a woman who has seen my work and she wants to meet with me to talk about a special piece for her daughter's wedding. Ooh!

After dinner Josh and I snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie or a couple episodes of the latest series. We snuggle under the t-shirt blanket I made years ago of all my old t-shirts that have sentimental value. (I've made several others for people since then) At 11:00p, we get ready for bed. We have our daily catch up ritual and then read until we fall asleep. I sketch a few things before I turn out my bedside light.

And then it starts over again tomorrow!


That's my IDEAL day. I'm not too far away from that...except for the work and the sq. footage of my current apartment. :S

But what's on the inside? What do I think and feel?

When I get up, I feel rested. I can remember my dreams and they illuminate the night before and the day ahead. I look over at Josh and feel grateful for his partnership and presence in my life.
I sit down to write and dump the excess crap onto the page so my head is clear to write the real stuff. It's a great practice. I write non-stop for 30 minutes...just letting myself run away with my thoughts. I feel a mix of relief and frustration during this exercise...sometimes I wish I could say something new...but new is for my art later in the day...I write first thing in the morning so that I can get out the repetitive stuff that lingers in my mind each day. I let myself criticize and judge so that I don't have to entertain it later. I let myself be cranky and disappointed. I let myself be petty. I let myself be myself in all its glory.

Then I write the 'good stuff.'

After writing, I feel clear. I feel in touch with my heart, soul and body. My fingers start out a bit cold, but warm up as they fly effortlessly across the keyboard.

I change into workout clothes, grab my inch of chub and notice that it's going away. I have been eating better and exercising more, and my clothes are fitting more loosely. Nothing extreme, but when I pinch my skin it feels energetic and vibrant. I can feel the muscle and the life force pulsing underneath. I flex my abs to see how much muslce I have gained. I stand up straighter, feeling the energetic skeleton guiding my movement. I am a dancer. My chest extends forward and my shoulders sit back easily as my head gently floats atop. I feel light.
I enthusiastically begin my routine, talking to my body about any tight spots or areas of concern. My body and I get along well...she sends me warning signals and I try to pay attention as much as possible so that I don't need any extra 'help.'

After breaking a sweat and feeling the life force much stronger inside my body, I go clean off. In the shower I take time to reflect on what I want my day to be like. I think about meetings with customers, yummy food, thoughtful interaction. I sluff off any doubts that might have crept in and I appreciate my body for its strength, endurance, and guidance.

When I start to cook, I appreciate the beautiful color in the food. The bright orange color of the carrots and oranges that go into my juice. The green of the wheatgrass. The pale yellow of the apple. I am so thankful that we get to eat organic fruit and veggies. They taste so crisp and flavorful. I used bread I baked for the french toast. It's dense but moist.

I feel full after eating a small amount because the food tastes so good. I don't need much to feel satisfied.

When I start to work I take a moment to sit in silence. I want to center before I start working so that my full intention and attention can be on the piece. I want to weave solid, grounded, and focused energy into my work so that it's not just a piece of art, but a piece of me. I want the energy to flow even when I am not there with it. The piece invokes Spirit.
After a moment I begin to work. I feel full, clear, present, and inspired. I let thoughts drift in and out, following whichever inspiration I feel the strongest connection to. Maybe I pick green instead of blue, or shiny instead of matte. In any case, I can feel energy flowing from my fingertips into the fabric as I sew. The sweet smell of the sewing machine motor running....
I get up several times to pace..I tend to get excited when I work but don't like to rush the art.
Then when I get to a nice stopping point, I turn the machine off and go make lunch.
When I return, I entertain some ideas that I thought of during lunch...I sketch out some details to a new piece which I am making for a gallery show coming up. I am excited about the show...its theme is dark shadows and I am entering a piece about sexual abuse. The piece is one of many in a series that explores healing through fiber art.

I take a lot of pleasure in using fiber art for more than one thing. It can be art or decoration or healing...or anything.

I am working on developing a curriculum for a class on fiber art and healing. I am nervous but confident that the class will be successful. I'm also excited to go and speak about the development of the curriculum at a fiber art convention. It's exciting work!

So the rest of the day is more laid back but it's nice to have the down time. Working can take a lot of energy and it's nice to turn off the faucet sometimes.

As I get ready for bed I am tired, but really happy. Being comfortable expressing myself in more than one way (teaching, writing, art, cooking, exercising, etc) is really great. I am thankful for a supportive relationship and many close friends and family who buy, encourage, and appreciate my work. I feel proud of my perseverance and commitment to art. I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel right with my life.




Maybe I fear that being an artist is not something 'necessary' in the world...cleaning is easy. People need clean. But people don't always think they need beautiful things in their home. The feng shui angle is a bit more useful/helpful but then again, people have to think that feng shui is the way to go. I guess setting myself up to fail is not really part of the dream...:)
My expression of self IS necessary. I think it's important to know that. I forget that all the time. Like I mentioned toward the beginning of this blog, that I usually find my worth through approval from others (getting paid for my art, for instance) but my worth is really measured by my willingness to express even the darkest parts of myself. And as Marianne Williamson implies, it also lies in the expression of the brightest light I can be. Those places are often untouched in my world of living in the middle...I do not express the anger or the elation...I just smile, nod, work, eat, sleep and go again. In contained places I may express a little of the extremes, but since they are contained, it's almost as if they don't really exist.

Sure, they do in my mind and memory, but I am always scared to share the deep stuff...and most times the deep stuff isn't the 'i don't know' feelings...it's the 'I know but don't want to tell you' feelings...I know when I angry, when I am ecstatic, when I am overcome with grief. Feelings are going on all the time...but I don't let them out...I keep them in.

And yet I have this amazing image of myself capturing expression through fiber and fabric. I see myself as an artist...exploring all these different ways of expressing.

So it's a leap of faith. I believe in God. No sweat. Always have. But what do I believe in God? Do I believe God will be there when I am placing pieces of fabric or when I am thinking of how fiber plays many different metaphors in life? Do I feel God when I am creating...I don't know yet!

Well, this was a good exercise. I don't often get into that much detail regarding my highest best. I see the loft, but I don't zoom in...the zooming in is the best part!
Until next time

Challenge

I know that writing tends to disspate my energy, but I have mixed feelings about using it as a tool and also as a crutch.

The past couple of days (weeks?) I have been having this struggle inside. It involves some perfectionism, time management, and organization. All very close relatives of fear and paralyzation.

I see this image of myself...it's a self I don't always recognize, but one I am familiar with. I see myself happy, energetic, in the flow, and very clear. I see productivity and creativity and the tapping into the Ultimate Spirit very easily. I see abundance and right livelihood and inspiration. I see the smile on my face.

I see all of that and yet, it also looks far away...there's an invisible block...There's a switch to be tripped, a moment of time having to pass...and yet I have no idea when that kicks in. Is it in my own power (of course!)? Is it at the end of my fingertips (probably!)? Is that invisible block really just my fear of jumping off the cliff?

All the stuff...it seems like too much and yet, it's all a phantom, really, isn't it? There's nothing really there. I could walk right through. Why don't I?

I have been given many gifts recently. Steady work, financial stability in more ways than one, emotional support, etc. What else will it take? I guess the last thing is that I have to put one foot in front of the other...I have to walk the steps. No one else can. All the supposed blocks have diffused and now it's just a matter of moving forward. I have time, space, support, talent, inspiration...JUST MOVE AHEAD.

Here's Some Process for Ya

In an amazing turn of events, I am face to face with myself again. I was on an employment high for a few weeks...having booked many clients, worked very hard in a few houses, and orchestrated a schedule that can only be seen as "energetic multi-tasking." I was riding high...
And now, I am home, having missed yet another opp to clean and feeling pretty yucky about it. It's nothing too bad, mistakes get made, etc.

So I did a tarot reading (I often turn to cards when I am at a loss regarding events in my life). I didn't really WANT to do it...because I had an inkling I would read exactly what I predicted...which I did, of course.

The most interesting card said this: Seven of Pentacles

With his hoe in hand, a young man sits reflecting on his past efforts and considering the work ahead. Whether or not his expectations were fulfilled, he must plan to open up new avenues of work which may be more satisfying to him on all levels of body/mind/spirit.

There is hard work ahead and now is the time to gather the discipline and the strength necessary to move on to the next step in life. New fields need to be plowed, the weeds pulled, and the seeds planted.

However, the man must watch that he does not become so rigid or caught up in setbacks that he is inflexible and stubborn. On the other hand, he must guard himself from being undisciplined. Fears, failures, and worries connected to past and future efforts must not paralyze him to the point that nothing gets done.




Aha. That's interesting. So I will have 3 regular clients (which I have had consistently) and I spose that in trying to get more consistent work, I have been thwarted.
Now, I'd like to think it's just coincidence. BUT, I also have to say that the moment I wanted to make a full living doing housework, I got the leads, but not the follow-through. Any time I try to get more work than I (truly) want, I don't end up getting it.
I am relieved to be able to spend more time working for myself, and yet I still don't have a system (read: discipline) set up so that I can make the most of my time at home. I am usually at the computer trying to scrounge work.
I'm worried about a lot of things: wedding, house payments, savings, etc. That translates into very little patience for my own artistic musings...could that be my problem (she asks the Goddess of Creativity...) I am STILL creating situations where my own creative work sits lower on the totem pole.

In my own defense, I can see now that it won't work if I do that. I won't be able to simply neglect my own desires in favor of financial stability. No matter how I try to disguise it. Long sigh. It's silly, I know...why am I trying so hard to run away from the thing I really want?
I have not strengthened my faith at all, either. I have been coasting the whole time. I see that I have things I want to create and yet I postpone and procrastinate. My work ethic for other people is stellar. I am ALWAYS on time, thorough, responsible, honest, etc. For myself, I am flippant, disorganized, scattered, procrastinating, and negligent. It's strange to see my self-worth, in the privacy of my own home, be so low. I have a lot of projects waiting in the wings and yet NO organization for them. There's always an excuse filed away to keep me from doing it.

So I spose that I should get organized to be able to use any free time that I have (which, in the cleaning business, is more often than I thought). Just like if I worked for someone else, I would want a list of projects and expectations so that I could just come in and work. Instead of assessing and reassessing each project for value and worth, I should just sit and complete the projects.
When I didn't have to worry about making money from the clothes, the creativity was pouring out...now, it is up for criticism...but that's what makes me work less! That critical voice! That micro-managing supervisor who doesn't care about how I feel when I work, just my output! My god, I am my own factory worker!!! And my own taskmaster boss! That would thwart anyone's creativity.

I also think the pressure to make money for my household doesn't help either. I can't disguise the critic as Josh or the wedding or our unborn children. Leap of faith, my dear, that's what you need!

I love being able to pep-talk myself through writing...

Okay, so I feel a lot better. I started out feeling pretty defeated. But now I can see that some discipline and organization is in order and I can probably do that.

Until next time!