What do I choose?
I have to sit and write for a bit before I work. I want to do this more frequently, but alas, I am easily distracted. I have mostly finished this one piece that I am giving to a friend for her (now belated) birthday. It took me a while to just embrace it, but I think it's really awesome and I plan to do the same process again for a different piece and I am happy that I've had some practice. It's really cool. I may just repeat it several times over just to make an inventory for upcoming markets or something like that.
Anyway, it's been a great process.
What's not been a great process is that I have been feeling like I have allergies for the past week and I have no logical reason why. But when I shelf the logical part of me, I hypothesize that my congestion is due to the fact that I am not doing enough work toward my desired vocation. I am not expressing myself in the best way. I am not fully committed to the process. Sure, I do some one off pieces and think that I am "back in the game" but then I fantasize about getting PT work so I don't have to think about money (which is always how I do it...even if I have enough money).
This block/congestion is a great way for me to focus on the deeper issues at hand.
FEAR. EXPRESSION. CREATIVITY. PERSONAL POWER. CHOICE.
All of those are 5th chakra issues. 5th chakra is a common weakness for me. I usually act in fear to get what I want and of course, I don't usually get what I want exactly. Yes, finances are secured...and then what? I still worry and the worry doesn't help. I usually listen when my body freaks out because it doesn't do it very often. And now with this daily congestion, I am all ears.
I don't think being an artist has been a spiritual experience for me yet. I feel it in my heart, which is part of it, but when it comes to connecting to God, I don't exactly look in my art for that 'tingly' feeling. I certainly don't ask for guidance regarding my art either. I just march in, work on stuff, and unfortunately, march right back out. No crying in gratitude, no euphoric moment of clarity, no internal knowingness of right livelihood. Each piece I work on is accompanied by frantic, frenzied worry coupled with negative self-talk and preparation for possible fiasco. I don't believe God shows up in those moments. I don't invite Spirit in for those sessions. I am all grins and smiles when I am done, but it's a private (lonely) battle when I work. I spose that takes the fun out of it. If the time working is laced with worry, then no wonder I don't think this could work out for me. What a shame.
It's too bad that I let myself get to myself...I really am very creative. I really do get inspiration from my dreams, and my life, and the imagined beauty I see in my mind...I feel divinely inspired, but then I feel abandoned while I work. Or maybe I feel like I have to 'go it alone' when I work. What ever happened to Divine Collaboration?
I like feeling industrious but what happens when I'm not? Is my worth only about creating something pretty and useful? What about expressing myself through fabric and fiber? What about inspiration and collaboration? What about creating something to instill a sense of Spirit in others? It's not all about the money...it never is. When I think of someone's home, and poor feng shui movement, I get an image of something I can make for them. When I see house after house with the same IKEA artwork, my heart sinks a little, because I know those people have individual creative pulses that long to be expressed. When I daydream about my future artist's loft, I see all things made by us, using our ideas and industriousness. I have books and books of architects, designers, artists, and creatives who have chosen to realize their artistic vision in their home, no matter who small, awkward, or out of the box it may be. I surround myself with those people, those homes, to help me create that in my own life. Could I possibly take a solid-color IKEA couch cover and alter it? Could I make curtains that inspire me on my way to the kitchen?
Somewhere in the distance, is the Universe calling me to acknowledge who I am, what I do, and what I gift to the world? And can those things be inspired by artistic vision?
I guess I expect everything to be so hard. I expect that I can't be an artist because I should have a harder time first. I should struggle more. I should not be allowed to do something that comes so naturally and easily.
I must admit however, that I am always relieved when I come back to this place (this place of only being satisfied with creativity and artistic endeavor). Artistic vision and imagination is something I find so much comfort in. I don't always have to realize every idea, but I really love having the ideas. They are as comforting as libraries and sun-filled cafes to me. When I let go of our messy apt and not making any money right now, and feeling like my work is just like everyone else's, I am quite happy underneath it all. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have proof because I wrote it down when I was 8. I made sure to document my youthful aspirations...because they were important.
If someone told me I was here on earth to be an artist, my heart would sing, and I would sigh in relief.
*moment of reflection*
I guess that someone has to be me. I can hear the other voices in my stadium cheering...but the most important voice is the one I hear in my heart: mine. I want so badly to be an artist. It doesn't mean that I feel 100% confident in my abilities all the time, but the strongest images I have of my future are where I am able to express my creativity, not just as a hobby in a second bedroom, but as my livelihood. As the thing that gets me up in the morning (this morning I got up just to show Josh the piece that is almost done...) and connects me to other people and the world...I can see that so clearly. I guess now all I have to do is commit myself and move forward.
I don't have to pick a medium or graduate from a school with a degree...I just have to choose this life for myself. My body, heart, and soul choose it but I have to allow my mind to really see how art benefits me. It's almost anti-climatic. Choosing something that I have always been. It broke my heart when people asked me what I did...nothing I said felt good. Student, bum, temp worker, house cleaner...I think I answered artist once and then when someone asked what medium, I froze and never said 'artist' again. ALL MEDIA. ALL ART. ANY ART. I'll take art, design, production, theorist, historian. It's all interesting.
Wow. I feel really good right now. Seriously. I feel really light and clear and warm. I feel a lot closer to God even. I am an artist. I am an artist. I AM AN ARTIST!!!
I could just say that all day long. I am an artist. I love that word: artist. It even looks cool: art-ist. I do art. I make art. I live art. I breathe art.
I have never worn 'artist' with confidence. Even in art school, I felt fraudulent...I thought I should look like the other students. I wasn't tortured like Van Gogh or inventive like DaVinci...I struggle with everything. I don't have sketchbooks and award winning ideas...does that still make me an artist...you bet!
Nobody gets to define what being an artist is for me, except me. I don't have to have a studio or a business license or a plaque or a degree...I get to say I'm an artist simply because I WANT to. I get to own what it means for me. There are no checkpoints. Nobody can take it away. I have been creative all my life and that is just who I am.
Okay, I have to go now. I have things I want to do.
Anyway, it's been a great process.
What's not been a great process is that I have been feeling like I have allergies for the past week and I have no logical reason why. But when I shelf the logical part of me, I hypothesize that my congestion is due to the fact that I am not doing enough work toward my desired vocation. I am not expressing myself in the best way. I am not fully committed to the process. Sure, I do some one off pieces and think that I am "back in the game" but then I fantasize about getting PT work so I don't have to think about money (which is always how I do it...even if I have enough money).
This block/congestion is a great way for me to focus on the deeper issues at hand.
FEAR. EXPRESSION. CREATIVITY. PERSONAL POWER. CHOICE.
All of those are 5th chakra issues. 5th chakra is a common weakness for me. I usually act in fear to get what I want and of course, I don't usually get what I want exactly. Yes, finances are secured...and then what? I still worry and the worry doesn't help. I usually listen when my body freaks out because it doesn't do it very often. And now with this daily congestion, I am all ears.
I don't think being an artist has been a spiritual experience for me yet. I feel it in my heart, which is part of it, but when it comes to connecting to God, I don't exactly look in my art for that 'tingly' feeling. I certainly don't ask for guidance regarding my art either. I just march in, work on stuff, and unfortunately, march right back out. No crying in gratitude, no euphoric moment of clarity, no internal knowingness of right livelihood. Each piece I work on is accompanied by frantic, frenzied worry coupled with negative self-talk and preparation for possible fiasco. I don't believe God shows up in those moments. I don't invite Spirit in for those sessions. I am all grins and smiles when I am done, but it's a private (lonely) battle when I work. I spose that takes the fun out of it. If the time working is laced with worry, then no wonder I don't think this could work out for me. What a shame.
It's too bad that I let myself get to myself...I really am very creative. I really do get inspiration from my dreams, and my life, and the imagined beauty I see in my mind...I feel divinely inspired, but then I feel abandoned while I work. Or maybe I feel like I have to 'go it alone' when I work. What ever happened to Divine Collaboration?
I like feeling industrious but what happens when I'm not? Is my worth only about creating something pretty and useful? What about expressing myself through fabric and fiber? What about inspiration and collaboration? What about creating something to instill a sense of Spirit in others? It's not all about the money...it never is. When I think of someone's home, and poor feng shui movement, I get an image of something I can make for them. When I see house after house with the same IKEA artwork, my heart sinks a little, because I know those people have individual creative pulses that long to be expressed. When I daydream about my future artist's loft, I see all things made by us, using our ideas and industriousness. I have books and books of architects, designers, artists, and creatives who have chosen to realize their artistic vision in their home, no matter who small, awkward, or out of the box it may be. I surround myself with those people, those homes, to help me create that in my own life. Could I possibly take a solid-color IKEA couch cover and alter it? Could I make curtains that inspire me on my way to the kitchen?
Somewhere in the distance, is the Universe calling me to acknowledge who I am, what I do, and what I gift to the world? And can those things be inspired by artistic vision?
I guess I expect everything to be so hard. I expect that I can't be an artist because I should have a harder time first. I should struggle more. I should not be allowed to do something that comes so naturally and easily.
I must admit however, that I am always relieved when I come back to this place (this place of only being satisfied with creativity and artistic endeavor). Artistic vision and imagination is something I find so much comfort in. I don't always have to realize every idea, but I really love having the ideas. They are as comforting as libraries and sun-filled cafes to me. When I let go of our messy apt and not making any money right now, and feeling like my work is just like everyone else's, I am quite happy underneath it all. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have proof because I wrote it down when I was 8. I made sure to document my youthful aspirations...because they were important.
If someone told me I was here on earth to be an artist, my heart would sing, and I would sigh in relief.
*moment of reflection*
I guess that someone has to be me. I can hear the other voices in my stadium cheering...but the most important voice is the one I hear in my heart: mine. I want so badly to be an artist. It doesn't mean that I feel 100% confident in my abilities all the time, but the strongest images I have of my future are where I am able to express my creativity, not just as a hobby in a second bedroom, but as my livelihood. As the thing that gets me up in the morning (this morning I got up just to show Josh the piece that is almost done...) and connects me to other people and the world...I can see that so clearly. I guess now all I have to do is commit myself and move forward.
I don't have to pick a medium or graduate from a school with a degree...I just have to choose this life for myself. My body, heart, and soul choose it but I have to allow my mind to really see how art benefits me. It's almost anti-climatic. Choosing something that I have always been. It broke my heart when people asked me what I did...nothing I said felt good. Student, bum, temp worker, house cleaner...I think I answered artist once and then when someone asked what medium, I froze and never said 'artist' again. ALL MEDIA. ALL ART. ANY ART. I'll take art, design, production, theorist, historian. It's all interesting.
Wow. I feel really good right now. Seriously. I feel really light and clear and warm. I feel a lot closer to God even. I am an artist. I am an artist. I AM AN ARTIST!!!
I could just say that all day long. I am an artist. I love that word: artist. It even looks cool: art-ist. I do art. I make art. I live art. I breathe art.
I have never worn 'artist' with confidence. Even in art school, I felt fraudulent...I thought I should look like the other students. I wasn't tortured like Van Gogh or inventive like DaVinci...I struggle with everything. I don't have sketchbooks and award winning ideas...does that still make me an artist...you bet!
Nobody gets to define what being an artist is for me, except me. I don't have to have a studio or a business license or a plaque or a degree...I get to say I'm an artist simply because I WANT to. I get to own what it means for me. There are no checkpoints. Nobody can take it away. I have been creative all my life and that is just who I am.
Okay, I have to go now. I have things I want to do.
posted by Becca Campbell @ 7:45 AM
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