Here's Some Process for Ya

In an amazing turn of events, I am face to face with myself again. I was on an employment high for a few weeks...having booked many clients, worked very hard in a few houses, and orchestrated a schedule that can only be seen as "energetic multi-tasking." I was riding high...
And now, I am home, having missed yet another opp to clean and feeling pretty yucky about it. It's nothing too bad, mistakes get made, etc.

So I did a tarot reading (I often turn to cards when I am at a loss regarding events in my life). I didn't really WANT to do it...because I had an inkling I would read exactly what I predicted...which I did, of course.

The most interesting card said this: Seven of Pentacles

With his hoe in hand, a young man sits reflecting on his past efforts and considering the work ahead. Whether or not his expectations were fulfilled, he must plan to open up new avenues of work which may be more satisfying to him on all levels of body/mind/spirit.

There is hard work ahead and now is the time to gather the discipline and the strength necessary to move on to the next step in life. New fields need to be plowed, the weeds pulled, and the seeds planted.

However, the man must watch that he does not become so rigid or caught up in setbacks that he is inflexible and stubborn. On the other hand, he must guard himself from being undisciplined. Fears, failures, and worries connected to past and future efforts must not paralyze him to the point that nothing gets done.




Aha. That's interesting. So I will have 3 regular clients (which I have had consistently) and I spose that in trying to get more consistent work, I have been thwarted.
Now, I'd like to think it's just coincidence. BUT, I also have to say that the moment I wanted to make a full living doing housework, I got the leads, but not the follow-through. Any time I try to get more work than I (truly) want, I don't end up getting it.
I am relieved to be able to spend more time working for myself, and yet I still don't have a system (read: discipline) set up so that I can make the most of my time at home. I am usually at the computer trying to scrounge work.
I'm worried about a lot of things: wedding, house payments, savings, etc. That translates into very little patience for my own artistic musings...could that be my problem (she asks the Goddess of Creativity...) I am STILL creating situations where my own creative work sits lower on the totem pole.

In my own defense, I can see now that it won't work if I do that. I won't be able to simply neglect my own desires in favor of financial stability. No matter how I try to disguise it. Long sigh. It's silly, I know...why am I trying so hard to run away from the thing I really want?
I have not strengthened my faith at all, either. I have been coasting the whole time. I see that I have things I want to create and yet I postpone and procrastinate. My work ethic for other people is stellar. I am ALWAYS on time, thorough, responsible, honest, etc. For myself, I am flippant, disorganized, scattered, procrastinating, and negligent. It's strange to see my self-worth, in the privacy of my own home, be so low. I have a lot of projects waiting in the wings and yet NO organization for them. There's always an excuse filed away to keep me from doing it.

So I spose that I should get organized to be able to use any free time that I have (which, in the cleaning business, is more often than I thought). Just like if I worked for someone else, I would want a list of projects and expectations so that I could just come in and work. Instead of assessing and reassessing each project for value and worth, I should just sit and complete the projects.
When I didn't have to worry about making money from the clothes, the creativity was pouring out...now, it is up for criticism...but that's what makes me work less! That critical voice! That micro-managing supervisor who doesn't care about how I feel when I work, just my output! My god, I am my own factory worker!!! And my own taskmaster boss! That would thwart anyone's creativity.

I also think the pressure to make money for my household doesn't help either. I can't disguise the critic as Josh or the wedding or our unborn children. Leap of faith, my dear, that's what you need!

I love being able to pep-talk myself through writing...

Okay, so I feel a lot better. I started out feeling pretty defeated. But now I can see that some discipline and organization is in order and I can probably do that.

Until next time!