The Dark Side
And there's always a dark side...
I feel I have been pretty well-contained during this blogging experience. I have methodically looked at all the stuff that has come up, explained, reasoned, or organized it into little boxes, and then ended my entry and go on to do other things in my day.
Damn.
I've been bombarded these past couple of days (weeks?) with strange images of myself...and of course I am not actually that person I see in my images. I'm this slumped over, inactive, trying-to-fool-myself, pretend artist. No, that's not fair. I do see myself as an artist...just a lazy, can't complete anything, no self-worth one.
And no, this isn't a "poor me, I'm so awful" rant...this is just what I think. I have taken over our living room and dining table (which we were so excited to get, and now has been lost under my "crafts") and still I feel tortured by the fact that I feel paralyzed. No writing, pep-talking, good-food-eating antics have helped, it seems, and still I sit here waiting for the hand of God to give me a push.
And then I protest, "I have been given a push!"
I have not been able (or wanted to) have too many houses to clean, I have been making good money (from lots of odd gigs), and I don't have to worry about the wedding costs. So what then?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is in my way? I know how to sell stuff online. I know what's fashionable. I have supplies, space, time, and all that stuff...so who is this demon that keeps me from moving forward, WITH CONFIDENCE, into the freakin' light?
me.
But what do I hope to accomplish by keeping myself at bay?
I feel like my own drug dealer. I am addicted to this mediocrity. I really am. I know I want to live my highest best...I can see it in the distance...but then when I look at myself in the mirror, I see something totally different.
So what happens when I live my highest best, as if I have it at my fingertips (literally)?
It takes more work. I have to work a LOT more. Be a lot more vigilent. Say no more. Say yes more. I have to be seen...ugh. That's a lead weight right there. I have to be seen! I have preferred this solitary life...I prefer the automatic boundaries that come with being introverted, happy in my solitude, unwilling to "get out there" and "be someone." The work...I have always been afraid of too much work. And yet I clean houses. That doesn't feel like work, I guess. The hardest work to me is the commitment to myself...the constant, unwavering, strong, powerful commitment to myself. And I don't mean that in the "I go to therapy and 'love myself' " sort of way. Been there. I mean in the everyday, talking to friends, family, and strangers, smallest details sort of way. I live neither too anal or too crazy. I stay in the middle just in case I don't want to be anal one day. I claim to like things a particular way and yet I am too lazy to pursue that specified result...instead, I enjoy the constant critique of my lazy behavior! That's always fun. Or not.
When I live at my highest best I can't take life only going to ten. IT MUST GO TO ELEVEN...or more!
Most of what I have built from the past would have to be looked at, if I lived my highest best. I would have to examine my stuff, my values, my actions, my lifestyle, etc. God. That would be too much.
But would it?
I mean, would it be more energy to continue on in the same old vein or to clear out the cobwebs and get focused on what I want my life to be?
I know the answer...but man, it doesn't make it easier...
So let's go down this path. Might as well, since we're already here. Let's paint the picture.
If I lived my highest best...
(We'll start with the material stuff first, since that's where I hold most of my visual images)
I would have a large loft. In this loft I would live with Josh. It would have dark, hardwood floors and the one brick wall would have floor to ceiling windows so I could watch the world below. The downstairs part would have an open floor plan, where the dining area, living room, play room, studio would all be...but divided by creative walls, screens, fabric, etc. I would have this AWESOME work space that I designed and get to live my dream of art supplies in wire baskets (lots of my images come from design mags and IKEA). The desk would move (of course) so that it could be out of the way, or right up against the window.
Our bedroom would be simple and rich. Darkish fabrics in the winter and fall and we'd switch them in the summer and spring. Most things can be changed in our loft so that the space is always accomodating to our moods (I met a family that did this...changed things every 6 months...oooh, how I wanted that!)
We'd have a separate place for computers and papers...NOT ON THE STUDIO DESK. It would be organized and anal, like I like it. In contrast, I would never have to clean up the studio desk.
Our living room would really be the kitchen area with couches and chairs. There would be a stove top island so that whoever cooked could be participating in the conversation. We'd entertain all the time, of course. Movies, rituals, community fundraisers, slideshows, private art displays, game night, poetry readings...We wouldn't have a tv...just a projector and screen. Keeping things simple.
Our bathroom would be a haven. Our own mini-spa. Woods and natural light and plants and easy to clean surfaces (cleaning other people's houses has made my eye keen to simpler upkeep). Sky light. Composting toilet. Radiant floors. Insta-hot water. Huge tub. No walls on the shower (again, this is all about easy to clean).
The kitchen would be a food studio, really. A place to create masterpieces of food. Stainless steel, industrial, simple. Small fridge. Drawer dishwasher. Spices and staples would be abundant. (we would order big bulk items!) We'd have dinner parties and gatherings and always be ready to offer an amazing meal (no matter what food requirements there were!) to any guests who just want to stop by.
The "walls" that separate parts of the main room are only 7 ft high...we can hang pictures on them but they are 5 ft wide and on wheels so we can move them around...we can paint them, leave them blank, cut holes in them, hang pictures, art, etc. Kind of like set walls...but more mobile.
Our furniture is simple, firm, mobile, and modern. The couch can face the kitchen or a wall for movie watching or it can just be in the middle of the space. Dining can be anywhere but we have a table for more 'formal' arrangements.
The kids' rooms are downstairs so that we can have the upstairs.
Okay. Now for the personal details.
I work a maximum of 6 hours a day. I wake up early to enjoy my non-caffienated breakfast beverage and write for an hour. I write articles for magazines, websites, my own blog, and my own art. I also write letters to friends living in other places.
I do a little yogalates, some crunches, and jump on the trampoline while I listen to c89.5 on itunes (people are still sleeping!).
After that I spend time fixing a really healthy and delicious breakfast. Fresh-squeezed juice, oatmeal with fruit, wheat/gluten-free toast with vegan butter. Sometimes I'll make vegan, wheat-free french toast.
Then I shower in my luxurious, yet sustainable shower (greywater gets filtered through our residential living machine so that we can use it to water our rooftop garden). I put on a a funky top that I have made and comfortable pants that keep me warm.
Then at 9:30am (I wake up early!) I hit my studio table and continue working on custom pieces for a few clients. One piece is a tapestry for a family that is having a reunion and wanted a family tree. It's all fabric, but the family has given me pieces of their own clothes to represent them. And there are slots for pictures, as well. Another piece is a feng shui item and it's designed for the relationship area in a couple's house. It has deep pinks and reds and represents their first year of marriage. It's an anniversary present.
I have turned off the phone ringer but I can see it ring in case I want to get a call. I turn on itunes to listen to a podcast about the bioneers or Design Matters.
I work for three hours and then I have another scrumptious meal. Josh calls me from work and we chat about our news. I tell him that I have finished 1/2 of the family tree and he tells me that he has taken his new learning module to a meeting for critique.
I return to work for another three hours. My work is interrupted by my constant visual inspirations for other projects which I sketch in my sketchbook. I cut out early to head to the fabric store (not everything can be done online...) and get some ideas for colors.
When I get home, I play some music while I clean up the house a bit. My friend calls me on the phone to say hi and we chat for a bit about what's new. I start dinner so that when Josh comes home, he can join me in the kitchen to cook yet ANOTHER amazing, but simple meal.
I check my email and phone messages. I get an email from a woman who has seen my work and she wants to meet with me to talk about a special piece for her daughter's wedding. Ooh!
After dinner Josh and I snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie or a couple episodes of the latest series. We snuggle under the t-shirt blanket I made years ago of all my old t-shirts that have sentimental value. (I've made several others for people since then) At 11:00p, we get ready for bed. We have our daily catch up ritual and then read until we fall asleep. I sketch a few things before I turn out my bedside light.
And then it starts over again tomorrow!
That's my IDEAL day. I'm not too far away from that...except for the work and the sq. footage of my current apartment. :S
But what's on the inside? What do I think and feel?
When I get up, I feel rested. I can remember my dreams and they illuminate the night before and the day ahead. I look over at Josh and feel grateful for his partnership and presence in my life.
I sit down to write and dump the excess crap onto the page so my head is clear to write the real stuff. It's a great practice. I write non-stop for 30 minutes...just letting myself run away with my thoughts. I feel a mix of relief and frustration during this exercise...sometimes I wish I could say something new...but new is for my art later in the day...I write first thing in the morning so that I can get out the repetitive stuff that lingers in my mind each day. I let myself criticize and judge so that I don't have to entertain it later. I let myself be cranky and disappointed. I let myself be petty. I let myself be myself in all its glory.
Then I write the 'good stuff.'
After writing, I feel clear. I feel in touch with my heart, soul and body. My fingers start out a bit cold, but warm up as they fly effortlessly across the keyboard.
I change into workout clothes, grab my inch of chub and notice that it's going away. I have been eating better and exercising more, and my clothes are fitting more loosely. Nothing extreme, but when I pinch my skin it feels energetic and vibrant. I can feel the muscle and the life force pulsing underneath. I flex my abs to see how much muslce I have gained. I stand up straighter, feeling the energetic skeleton guiding my movement. I am a dancer. My chest extends forward and my shoulders sit back easily as my head gently floats atop. I feel light.
I enthusiastically begin my routine, talking to my body about any tight spots or areas of concern. My body and I get along well...she sends me warning signals and I try to pay attention as much as possible so that I don't need any extra 'help.'
After breaking a sweat and feeling the life force much stronger inside my body, I go clean off. In the shower I take time to reflect on what I want my day to be like. I think about meetings with customers, yummy food, thoughtful interaction. I sluff off any doubts that might have crept in and I appreciate my body for its strength, endurance, and guidance.
When I start to cook, I appreciate the beautiful color in the food. The bright orange color of the carrots and oranges that go into my juice. The green of the wheatgrass. The pale yellow of the apple. I am so thankful that we get to eat organic fruit and veggies. They taste so crisp and flavorful. I used bread I baked for the french toast. It's dense but moist.
I feel full after eating a small amount because the food tastes so good. I don't need much to feel satisfied.
When I start to work I take a moment to sit in silence. I want to center before I start working so that my full intention and attention can be on the piece. I want to weave solid, grounded, and focused energy into my work so that it's not just a piece of art, but a piece of me. I want the energy to flow even when I am not there with it. The piece invokes Spirit.
After a moment I begin to work. I feel full, clear, present, and inspired. I let thoughts drift in and out, following whichever inspiration I feel the strongest connection to. Maybe I pick green instead of blue, or shiny instead of matte. In any case, I can feel energy flowing from my fingertips into the fabric as I sew. The sweet smell of the sewing machine motor running....
I get up several times to pace..I tend to get excited when I work but don't like to rush the art.
Then when I get to a nice stopping point, I turn the machine off and go make lunch.
When I return, I entertain some ideas that I thought of during lunch...I sketch out some details to a new piece which I am making for a gallery show coming up. I am excited about the show...its theme is dark shadows and I am entering a piece about sexual abuse. The piece is one of many in a series that explores healing through fiber art.
I take a lot of pleasure in using fiber art for more than one thing. It can be art or decoration or healing...or anything.
I am working on developing a curriculum for a class on fiber art and healing. I am nervous but confident that the class will be successful. I'm also excited to go and speak about the development of the curriculum at a fiber art convention. It's exciting work!
So the rest of the day is more laid back but it's nice to have the down time. Working can take a lot of energy and it's nice to turn off the faucet sometimes.
As I get ready for bed I am tired, but really happy. Being comfortable expressing myself in more than one way (teaching, writing, art, cooking, exercising, etc) is really great. I am thankful for a supportive relationship and many close friends and family who buy, encourage, and appreciate my work. I feel proud of my perseverance and commitment to art. I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel right with my life.
Maybe I fear that being an artist is not something 'necessary' in the world...cleaning is easy. People need clean. But people don't always think they need beautiful things in their home. The feng shui angle is a bit more useful/helpful but then again, people have to think that feng shui is the way to go. I guess setting myself up to fail is not really part of the dream...:)
My expression of self IS necessary. I think it's important to know that. I forget that all the time. Like I mentioned toward the beginning of this blog, that I usually find my worth through approval from others (getting paid for my art, for instance) but my worth is really measured by my willingness to express even the darkest parts of myself. And as Marianne Williamson implies, it also lies in the expression of the brightest light I can be. Those places are often untouched in my world of living in the middle...I do not express the anger or the elation...I just smile, nod, work, eat, sleep and go again. In contained places I may express a little of the extremes, but since they are contained, it's almost as if they don't really exist.
Sure, they do in my mind and memory, but I am always scared to share the deep stuff...and most times the deep stuff isn't the 'i don't know' feelings...it's the 'I know but don't want to tell you' feelings...I know when I angry, when I am ecstatic, when I am overcome with grief. Feelings are going on all the time...but I don't let them out...I keep them in.
And yet I have this amazing image of myself capturing expression through fiber and fabric. I see myself as an artist...exploring all these different ways of expressing.
So it's a leap of faith. I believe in God. No sweat. Always have. But what do I believe in God? Do I believe God will be there when I am placing pieces of fabric or when I am thinking of how fiber plays many different metaphors in life? Do I feel God when I am creating...I don't know yet!
Well, this was a good exercise. I don't often get into that much detail regarding my highest best. I see the loft, but I don't zoom in...the zooming in is the best part!
Until next time
I feel I have been pretty well-contained during this blogging experience. I have methodically looked at all the stuff that has come up, explained, reasoned, or organized it into little boxes, and then ended my entry and go on to do other things in my day.
Damn.
I've been bombarded these past couple of days (weeks?) with strange images of myself...and of course I am not actually that person I see in my images. I'm this slumped over, inactive, trying-to-fool-myself, pretend artist. No, that's not fair. I do see myself as an artist...just a lazy, can't complete anything, no self-worth one.
And no, this isn't a "poor me, I'm so awful" rant...this is just what I think. I have taken over our living room and dining table (which we were so excited to get, and now has been lost under my "crafts") and still I feel tortured by the fact that I feel paralyzed. No writing, pep-talking, good-food-eating antics have helped, it seems, and still I sit here waiting for the hand of God to give me a push.
And then I protest, "I have been given a push!"
I have not been able (or wanted to) have too many houses to clean, I have been making good money (from lots of odd gigs), and I don't have to worry about the wedding costs. So what then?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is in my way? I know how to sell stuff online. I know what's fashionable. I have supplies, space, time, and all that stuff...so who is this demon that keeps me from moving forward, WITH CONFIDENCE, into the freakin' light?
me.
But what do I hope to accomplish by keeping myself at bay?
I feel like my own drug dealer. I am addicted to this mediocrity. I really am. I know I want to live my highest best...I can see it in the distance...but then when I look at myself in the mirror, I see something totally different.
So what happens when I live my highest best, as if I have it at my fingertips (literally)?
It takes more work. I have to work a LOT more. Be a lot more vigilent. Say no more. Say yes more. I have to be seen...ugh. That's a lead weight right there. I have to be seen! I have preferred this solitary life...I prefer the automatic boundaries that come with being introverted, happy in my solitude, unwilling to "get out there" and "be someone." The work...I have always been afraid of too much work. And yet I clean houses. That doesn't feel like work, I guess. The hardest work to me is the commitment to myself...the constant, unwavering, strong, powerful commitment to myself. And I don't mean that in the "I go to therapy and 'love myself' " sort of way. Been there. I mean in the everyday, talking to friends, family, and strangers, smallest details sort of way. I live neither too anal or too crazy. I stay in the middle just in case I don't want to be anal one day. I claim to like things a particular way and yet I am too lazy to pursue that specified result...instead, I enjoy the constant critique of my lazy behavior! That's always fun. Or not.
When I live at my highest best I can't take life only going to ten. IT MUST GO TO ELEVEN...or more!
Most of what I have built from the past would have to be looked at, if I lived my highest best. I would have to examine my stuff, my values, my actions, my lifestyle, etc. God. That would be too much.
But would it?
I mean, would it be more energy to continue on in the same old vein or to clear out the cobwebs and get focused on what I want my life to be?
I know the answer...but man, it doesn't make it easier...
So let's go down this path. Might as well, since we're already here. Let's paint the picture.
If I lived my highest best...
(We'll start with the material stuff first, since that's where I hold most of my visual images)
I would have a large loft. In this loft I would live with Josh. It would have dark, hardwood floors and the one brick wall would have floor to ceiling windows so I could watch the world below. The downstairs part would have an open floor plan, where the dining area, living room, play room, studio would all be...but divided by creative walls, screens, fabric, etc. I would have this AWESOME work space that I designed and get to live my dream of art supplies in wire baskets (lots of my images come from design mags and IKEA). The desk would move (of course) so that it could be out of the way, or right up against the window.
Our bedroom would be simple and rich. Darkish fabrics in the winter and fall and we'd switch them in the summer and spring. Most things can be changed in our loft so that the space is always accomodating to our moods (I met a family that did this...changed things every 6 months...oooh, how I wanted that!)
We'd have a separate place for computers and papers...NOT ON THE STUDIO DESK. It would be organized and anal, like I like it. In contrast, I would never have to clean up the studio desk.
Our living room would really be the kitchen area with couches and chairs. There would be a stove top island so that whoever cooked could be participating in the conversation. We'd entertain all the time, of course. Movies, rituals, community fundraisers, slideshows, private art displays, game night, poetry readings...We wouldn't have a tv...just a projector and screen. Keeping things simple.
Our bathroom would be a haven. Our own mini-spa. Woods and natural light and plants and easy to clean surfaces (cleaning other people's houses has made my eye keen to simpler upkeep). Sky light. Composting toilet. Radiant floors. Insta-hot water. Huge tub. No walls on the shower (again, this is all about easy to clean).
The kitchen would be a food studio, really. A place to create masterpieces of food. Stainless steel, industrial, simple. Small fridge. Drawer dishwasher. Spices and staples would be abundant. (we would order big bulk items!) We'd have dinner parties and gatherings and always be ready to offer an amazing meal (no matter what food requirements there were!) to any guests who just want to stop by.
The "walls" that separate parts of the main room are only 7 ft high...we can hang pictures on them but they are 5 ft wide and on wheels so we can move them around...we can paint them, leave them blank, cut holes in them, hang pictures, art, etc. Kind of like set walls...but more mobile.
Our furniture is simple, firm, mobile, and modern. The couch can face the kitchen or a wall for movie watching or it can just be in the middle of the space. Dining can be anywhere but we have a table for more 'formal' arrangements.
The kids' rooms are downstairs so that we can have the upstairs.
Okay. Now for the personal details.
I work a maximum of 6 hours a day. I wake up early to enjoy my non-caffienated breakfast beverage and write for an hour. I write articles for magazines, websites, my own blog, and my own art. I also write letters to friends living in other places.
I do a little yogalates, some crunches, and jump on the trampoline while I listen to c89.5 on itunes (people are still sleeping!).
After that I spend time fixing a really healthy and delicious breakfast. Fresh-squeezed juice, oatmeal with fruit, wheat/gluten-free toast with vegan butter. Sometimes I'll make vegan, wheat-free french toast.
Then I shower in my luxurious, yet sustainable shower (greywater gets filtered through our residential living machine so that we can use it to water our rooftop garden). I put on a a funky top that I have made and comfortable pants that keep me warm.
Then at 9:30am (I wake up early!) I hit my studio table and continue working on custom pieces for a few clients. One piece is a tapestry for a family that is having a reunion and wanted a family tree. It's all fabric, but the family has given me pieces of their own clothes to represent them. And there are slots for pictures, as well. Another piece is a feng shui item and it's designed for the relationship area in a couple's house. It has deep pinks and reds and represents their first year of marriage. It's an anniversary present.
I have turned off the phone ringer but I can see it ring in case I want to get a call. I turn on itunes to listen to a podcast about the bioneers or Design Matters.
I work for three hours and then I have another scrumptious meal. Josh calls me from work and we chat about our news. I tell him that I have finished 1/2 of the family tree and he tells me that he has taken his new learning module to a meeting for critique.
I return to work for another three hours. My work is interrupted by my constant visual inspirations for other projects which I sketch in my sketchbook. I cut out early to head to the fabric store (not everything can be done online...) and get some ideas for colors.
When I get home, I play some music while I clean up the house a bit. My friend calls me on the phone to say hi and we chat for a bit about what's new. I start dinner so that when Josh comes home, he can join me in the kitchen to cook yet ANOTHER amazing, but simple meal.
I check my email and phone messages. I get an email from a woman who has seen my work and she wants to meet with me to talk about a special piece for her daughter's wedding. Ooh!
After dinner Josh and I snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie or a couple episodes of the latest series. We snuggle under the t-shirt blanket I made years ago of all my old t-shirts that have sentimental value. (I've made several others for people since then) At 11:00p, we get ready for bed. We have our daily catch up ritual and then read until we fall asleep. I sketch a few things before I turn out my bedside light.
And then it starts over again tomorrow!
That's my IDEAL day. I'm not too far away from that...except for the work and the sq. footage of my current apartment. :S
But what's on the inside? What do I think and feel?
When I get up, I feel rested. I can remember my dreams and they illuminate the night before and the day ahead. I look over at Josh and feel grateful for his partnership and presence in my life.
I sit down to write and dump the excess crap onto the page so my head is clear to write the real stuff. It's a great practice. I write non-stop for 30 minutes...just letting myself run away with my thoughts. I feel a mix of relief and frustration during this exercise...sometimes I wish I could say something new...but new is for my art later in the day...I write first thing in the morning so that I can get out the repetitive stuff that lingers in my mind each day. I let myself criticize and judge so that I don't have to entertain it later. I let myself be cranky and disappointed. I let myself be petty. I let myself be myself in all its glory.
Then I write the 'good stuff.'
After writing, I feel clear. I feel in touch with my heart, soul and body. My fingers start out a bit cold, but warm up as they fly effortlessly across the keyboard.
I change into workout clothes, grab my inch of chub and notice that it's going away. I have been eating better and exercising more, and my clothes are fitting more loosely. Nothing extreme, but when I pinch my skin it feels energetic and vibrant. I can feel the muscle and the life force pulsing underneath. I flex my abs to see how much muslce I have gained. I stand up straighter, feeling the energetic skeleton guiding my movement. I am a dancer. My chest extends forward and my shoulders sit back easily as my head gently floats atop. I feel light.
I enthusiastically begin my routine, talking to my body about any tight spots or areas of concern. My body and I get along well...she sends me warning signals and I try to pay attention as much as possible so that I don't need any extra 'help.'
After breaking a sweat and feeling the life force much stronger inside my body, I go clean off. In the shower I take time to reflect on what I want my day to be like. I think about meetings with customers, yummy food, thoughtful interaction. I sluff off any doubts that might have crept in and I appreciate my body for its strength, endurance, and guidance.
When I start to cook, I appreciate the beautiful color in the food. The bright orange color of the carrots and oranges that go into my juice. The green of the wheatgrass. The pale yellow of the apple. I am so thankful that we get to eat organic fruit and veggies. They taste so crisp and flavorful. I used bread I baked for the french toast. It's dense but moist.
I feel full after eating a small amount because the food tastes so good. I don't need much to feel satisfied.
When I start to work I take a moment to sit in silence. I want to center before I start working so that my full intention and attention can be on the piece. I want to weave solid, grounded, and focused energy into my work so that it's not just a piece of art, but a piece of me. I want the energy to flow even when I am not there with it. The piece invokes Spirit.
After a moment I begin to work. I feel full, clear, present, and inspired. I let thoughts drift in and out, following whichever inspiration I feel the strongest connection to. Maybe I pick green instead of blue, or shiny instead of matte. In any case, I can feel energy flowing from my fingertips into the fabric as I sew. The sweet smell of the sewing machine motor running....
I get up several times to pace..I tend to get excited when I work but don't like to rush the art.
Then when I get to a nice stopping point, I turn the machine off and go make lunch.
When I return, I entertain some ideas that I thought of during lunch...I sketch out some details to a new piece which I am making for a gallery show coming up. I am excited about the show...its theme is dark shadows and I am entering a piece about sexual abuse. The piece is one of many in a series that explores healing through fiber art.
I take a lot of pleasure in using fiber art for more than one thing. It can be art or decoration or healing...or anything.
I am working on developing a curriculum for a class on fiber art and healing. I am nervous but confident that the class will be successful. I'm also excited to go and speak about the development of the curriculum at a fiber art convention. It's exciting work!
So the rest of the day is more laid back but it's nice to have the down time. Working can take a lot of energy and it's nice to turn off the faucet sometimes.
As I get ready for bed I am tired, but really happy. Being comfortable expressing myself in more than one way (teaching, writing, art, cooking, exercising, etc) is really great. I am thankful for a supportive relationship and many close friends and family who buy, encourage, and appreciate my work. I feel proud of my perseverance and commitment to art. I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel right with my life.
Maybe I fear that being an artist is not something 'necessary' in the world...cleaning is easy. People need clean. But people don't always think they need beautiful things in their home. The feng shui angle is a bit more useful/helpful but then again, people have to think that feng shui is the way to go. I guess setting myself up to fail is not really part of the dream...:)
My expression of self IS necessary. I think it's important to know that. I forget that all the time. Like I mentioned toward the beginning of this blog, that I usually find my worth through approval from others (getting paid for my art, for instance) but my worth is really measured by my willingness to express even the darkest parts of myself. And as Marianne Williamson implies, it also lies in the expression of the brightest light I can be. Those places are often untouched in my world of living in the middle...I do not express the anger or the elation...I just smile, nod, work, eat, sleep and go again. In contained places I may express a little of the extremes, but since they are contained, it's almost as if they don't really exist.
Sure, they do in my mind and memory, but I am always scared to share the deep stuff...and most times the deep stuff isn't the 'i don't know' feelings...it's the 'I know but don't want to tell you' feelings...I know when I angry, when I am ecstatic, when I am overcome with grief. Feelings are going on all the time...but I don't let them out...I keep them in.
And yet I have this amazing image of myself capturing expression through fiber and fabric. I see myself as an artist...exploring all these different ways of expressing.
So it's a leap of faith. I believe in God. No sweat. Always have. But what do I believe in God? Do I believe God will be there when I am placing pieces of fabric or when I am thinking of how fiber plays many different metaphors in life? Do I feel God when I am creating...I don't know yet!
Well, this was a good exercise. I don't often get into that much detail regarding my highest best. I see the loft, but I don't zoom in...the zooming in is the best part!
Until next time
posted by Becca Campbell @ 9:56 AM
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