I'm sitting in a hotel room, in Sao Paulo Brazil. I am typing contentedly, listening to music from home. There's no samba beat in the background, and no friendly hand clutching my arm, affirming my worth. Not right now, anyway.
But I didn't come here for that. I don't travel for the "me & you" experience. Because it has begun to feel like a commodity I pick up in the gift shop. I don't dare have that look in my eye when the skin colors change around me. "They" is a concept I have stamped in my passport and I don't like to think of myself that way. I used to worry that I wasn't consuming culture enough. Will my sunburnt skin get my off the hook. I "did" Brazil, see? My skin is proof. No one wants to know what my digestional track did, or how I felt not speaking the language. I hate it, now that I mention it. I feel like language is a huge part of a culture and although I am proficient in Spanish, I feel like I cheat people when I smile sheepishly, slightly ashamed of my paler skin and inabilityto ask for the bathroom, say excuse me when I pass, and affirm their existence with a squeeze of the arm. How I wish to squeeze and smile brilliantly, like it's the only currency I have. It should be the ONLY currency. Do you feel good? Then I will eat! What a different world it would be, right? A place I wouldn't recognize, I'm sure. How much do I rely on exclusionary competition? More than I want to admit, I'm sure.
But here I am in Brazil, overwhelmed with the edges of myself. Which is really why travel is nice. We can always learn about a culture in a more passive way, but here I learn about my OWN culture. How do I deal with compromise? Is it really compromise, or a simple stretching of my limits? They look so similar!
And what happens when I can't speak the language? I find that I have less to say. And talking doesn't become my primary way of communicating, listening does. And eye contact, or lack there of. And eating. I eat a lot more. Or at least I pay attention to it more. Where is my next meal? Do I want this in my body? I have a little conversation with my food as it goes in, letting it know my intentions and my concerns. Most times(if not all) I am reassured and I move forward. So far I have luckily (but is it luck?) averted any stomach issues. I keep to my carbs and juice staples and it's been fine. I must admit though, rarely do I feel concern regarding food. I already don't eat most sketchy food anyway. I don't always need a food experience to highlight what I enjoy about a culture. I learned that early on. :)
This trip has been surprisingly relaxed. We have spent a lot of it sleeping. I wonder if my hibernative desires are just enjoying the warmer weather and still going ahead as planned. Fine by me. I like winter for the "stay close to hearth" concept. In fact, I'm eager to create Hearth at home so that I don't suffer the consequences of a cold house during the cold months. It's nice to have the fire burning, so to speak. We've been told to keep the heat at 70 degrees. Growl.
It's weird to be here while Josh works. Not that it's bad, but it's closer than I have been to him in this way. He is constantly meeting, interacting, chatting, running into, and worrying about work things. It's his nature, of course, which I've known, but it's odd. Not like me. My work is private and although there are stories, I keep work at work. It's the case with Reiki, writing, law office, etc. I think I just like it separate.
I have been missing my more healer aspects, on this trip. I'm constantly keeping my crew's health in check, listening for the underlying issues: homesickness, ungroundedness, unrest, instability, poor digestion, minimal sleep, bad food choices. I came armed with the basics to survive mild situations and they have kept me healthy so far. But I have been wondering about more indepth work, when I get home. Classes are kind of expensive, but I am craving some depth, energy-wise. I learned from LRZ and Stan that my lymphnodes are needing some love. I need to get back to more massage when I get home. I need to really commit to more of a spiritual relationship to my body. The dance classes are great, but I don't think 4 times a week is necessary if I can get some regular energy and/or body work. I think I just want to take the extra money I have left over to really care for myself. Once a month is good for now. I don't need to go overboard, but a bit of care goes a long way. In a similar vein, more education or practice or depth in energy work methods seems attractive to me. I'm just interested in getting back to Reiki. Playing with the pendulum and dowsing rods and just perceiving energy is such an intense calling. When I am asked about it, I feel an uplifting in my body, I feel a sense of clarity, etc. When I'm asked to do Reiki, there is a ray of clarity that allows me to do it very easily, without fanfare, and I slip into my own wisdom and the wisdom of the universe without thinking about it. I want more of that.
That's why I travel. To hear myself think and sense my feelings. They lie dormant when I am worried about catching buses and paying bills (is this a cliche? I wonder how much I think about bills)
