Cooked Food and Social Time

Since being mostly raw for several months now, I regularly struggle with how to be with my friends and family and not eat cooked food.
This weekend we said goodbye to friends of ours who are moving away and I went out to Tango and it was really delicious food. But of course most of it was cooked and I gave in to tasting a variety of things. I felt like crap afterward and had TERRIBLE gas for many hours.
Luckily, the next day I didn't feel too hungry and I abstained from eating breakfast and lunch so that I could clean out a bit.
This is indicative of an internal struggle I have between not wanting to rock the boat and listening to what my body and spirit want. I wanted to be with my friends but I hate the idea that I seem to only eat salad and that it draws attention. I try to eat ahead of time so that I am not hungry, but I think I get socially hungry and want to try things and fit in. No one makes me feel bad, but I just want to participate.
I went to dinner a while ago with friends and the restaurant owner made a bigger deal about eating raw than I felt comfortable with. I must say my desire to eat out is declining, but my desire to be with others is increasing...hence the struggle.
We hope to have more potlucks so that it's easier to eat without the shenanigans and then we'll still get to hang out with our friends.

Process, process, process

Maybe it's the Vitamin D I am taking, or the jolts of inspiration that I get from friends, family, husband and podcasts, but I am feeling optimistic.
About what?
Well, I don't know, actually. Usually the limbo feeling makes me CRAZY and I don't like being there, but after some realization that my dreamed of "golden ticket" is really not the best way for me to pursue my dreams, ideas have been trickling in.
For instance: I like to write. I don't do it enough. I am bogged down by the idea that I either AM or AM NOT a writer. Forget the proof of my writing existing, I am worried about labels. And agents. And book deals. Stuff that I'm not even close to at the moment. I don't write because I haven't written. Yikes. But in the end, words still make it to paper, I still love it, and it's something that can make big money or little money and I know I can do it.
#2 I feel and usually am creative. I have good (read: artistic and inspired) ideas. They come to me like they come to other successful people: in the shower, on the toilet, in the morning, on the bus. I see them, I like them, other people like them. And then somewhere they get lost in the shuffle. But they still come. Since I can remember. They probably came before I can remember.
#3 I have resources. I read a lot. I know people. I am persuasive. I am passionate. I have a lot of energy. I connect with the Divine Universe. I'm smart. All these things are necessary in being successful, to me.
#4 No matter how many times my logical mind wants to shut down the operation of pursuing my dreams, the rest of me comes back, either with a sneak attack or an idea or whatever. I can't keep myself from dreaming and wanting to pursue the dreams.

This should all culminate in something big, yes? Of course. My life!
I want to own my own business. I have in the past (and technically, on paper, I still do) but I want to provide quality goods/services to others and add valuable experiences to their lives. Our wedding was a great example. I had fun planning and attending the wedding because not only was it MY wedding, but it was fun, creative, experiential, and all my favorite people were there. I want MORE of that. More intention, more depth, more fun, more enjoyment of life. It was only for 3 days, and we had TONS of help, but it was SO fulfilling. I really liked that part. I got to be creative, social, spiritual, and of course see and hang out with all my friends and family. I got to know people better and it was simply the best weekend ever.
It was a good microcosm of what's possible. We had HIGH hopes and they were met time and again. I am inspired to keep with that theme. Sure, we could've gotten a wedding planner to do it all, and then sat back and watched it unfold. But it would NOT have been as much fun. And we wouldn't have learned as much for sure.

I tend to get caught up in details: "I can't do that because I don't know X" or "To have a business in X, I have to have experience in X." Many excuses (on repeat) come to mind. But if I quiet that annoying voice of naysaying for a second, I hear the other voice of hope and possibility. "One step at a time" or "You don't have to do it all alone" or " That's a great idea!"
I like that voice much better.

I don't know what's next, quite honestly. I think maybe feeling more hopeful was next and then I could move forward. I want to simply start to let the good feelings flow more. Sure, owning a business is hard. It's even harder if I do it alone. It's harder still if I always think that it will stay hard. :)

There is no golden ticket. Just moving forward with ideas. I can be creative and write and stay at my job and pursue other business ideas. I can continue to do Reiki. It's not that hard. I can do as much or as little as I like. I want to do more than one thing, so that I am able to keep all my interests in my life.

Letting go of old habits, thought patterns, etc is a challenge, but it's worth it!

Clarity

So I made a big deal about writing an article, and it turns out I don't really care for journalism so much. While the article is "okay" it doesn't really speak the experiences I've been having. Interviewing top raw food people in the movement has been extremely enlightening and really moving. The article doesn't show that. It's a typical piece: hook, history, story, opposing side, appropriate ending. It's dry and filled with quotes instead of reflections. It's probably informative but also superficial. Oh well.

I learned that writing is much bigger than that. What drew me to writing for this magazine was the $ and the ease of submission and that I knew the editor. None of those things are really good things to write for. What drew me to the subject was how people changed with raw food and the article doesn't reflect that. Food is becoming a spiritual aspect of daily life and I really dig that.
So I may not write for the mag again and/or probably won't pursue journalistic style writing/pieces again. I write from experience, and I enjoy it, and I believe it's good writing. I'm not closing all the doors, but I'm more selective now.

This process was brutal. I've never felt so much self-doubt regarding writing before and it was interesting to see what happened. Plus, my relationship with the editor has completely eroded. I don't like being micro-managed, it seems. I should've written the article first, then submitted it, and if she didn't like it, gone somewhere else. Now I know.

I also learned that my enthusiasm and excitement for the world around me is more important than making money. Writing is simply a tool to express myself, it is not the way I earn a living. I have a job. What I need to remember is that loving life is a good occupation and abundance comes from many places that I don't yet know about. :)

Writing an Article

I'm writing an article that I hope to publish, but I am finding it to be quite a challenging process. The editor is nitpicking everything, and while I know she is nervous about my ability, it feels shitty. I am close to giving up, but I don't want to, because I really enjoy the subject matter AND the interviews I've done are mind-blowing and life-changing. They have inspired me to continue pursuing a raw food lifestyle. I am not going 100% any time soon, but it feels just like when I went vegan/vegetarian. Milk is just no longer in my life. Sugar is no longer in my life. Wheat is next in line to be taken out of my life. It feels good. It's slow, for sure, but I am happy about it. I eat differently than most people, but I am happy to start learning how to eat better and how to share that with others. Spending my time in the kitchen, preparing delicious, nutrient-filled food can't be a bad thing.

The article will get written. The editor will have to fire me if she doesn't like my writing. Oh well. I will carry on.

My Way Works Great!

I discussed with my therapist this week that even though I worry about the future a lot, I don't really have much evidence that they way I live my life isn't working. I have exactly everything I want, despite my claim that I don't or might not. I live in abundance (even if I think I am poor), I have great relationships (even if some of them fall away necessarily), I eat well, live well, feel fulfilled for the most part (still working out the kinks of this) and generally feel good about my life, to say the least. I really do have a great life. I tend to get caught up in comparisons, guilt, judgement, criticisms, etc., and then I ignore that my connection with the Divine Universe is strong and openly communicative.
I am very healthy, I have lots of awareness, I am intelligent and open...while I have many things to work on of course, I can take time to appreciate that the way I live works great. I don't have to be like everyone else to live a good life. And of course, it is also true that everyone doesn't have to live like me to have a good life, either. I'm still learning that. But first things first.
I have a writing assignment that easily came into my life and instead of wasting time staring at it, wondering if it's real, and waiting til the last minute to accept it and begin work, I just decided to begin work now and skip the mumbo jumbo in the beginning.

And to be a member of this society, country, generation/age group, race, class, etc. I do NOT need to take digs at myself to fit in. I do not have to sit down and be quiet OR stand up and be counted. I can live my life the way that I feel most empowered. Sometimes it involves sitting, sometimes standing, other times dancing and singing. There is no judgment day...it's everyday! Am I doing everything in MY power (not someone else's power) to live MY life to its fullest? All I have to say is that one thing and immediately, my attitude changes.

I have an iPod now, which I was a bit against in the beginning, and I listen to it on the bus. Previously, I claimed that I like to listen to the world on the bus, just to keep contact. Sometimes I listen to my iPod, sometimes I listen to other people. I happened to be waiting for the bus on Dexter and Denny when one of my current favorite songs came on. I can hardly resist the urge to tap my feet or do a little understated dance when hearing a song I like. But I usually do resist because, well, I don't like looking crazy.
When I used to drive, I would have the music way up and be dancing in my car like said crazy person. I LOVED when people would honk and give me the thumbs up in encouragement. I miss those moments. And now with my white headphones and nothing but time waiting for the bus, I can exaggerate the toe tapping, lip sync the lyrics, and dance however I like. Because I AM crazy! I like not standing still! I LOVE to dance, so why the hell not? It's not illegal and the most I will do is provide someone in a passing car a moment of happiness (whether laughing at me or with me, makes no difference to me!). And of course I feel better no matter what. So I say BOP YOUR HEAD, LIPSYNC THOSE LYRICS, DANCE all you want.

The worry that I have a bad habit of inviting into my life never helps and frankly, is inauthentic. I'm not that worried. The world has gone on for this long without my control over it and I can't really see the difference I've made in worrying about it. Of course there are moments that are uncomfortable. I am only getting used to living the way I feel. It's hard when I interact with others...but I am learning that anger doesn't mean death, saying no doesn't mean forever, creating boundaries doesn't mean defense. It's just how I live and feel.

I get emails from Findhorn every so often and recently one of the founders,Eileen Caddy, who was living at Findhorn the whole time, recently passed away. Her connection to the Universe was profound and helped create this amazing community. I find some relief and inspiration in her final words:

“Tell them to be still and turn them within to find that place of peace and stillness, the God within. Then to live and move and have their being from that centre which is God within, and there you will find all the answers.”

I leave with that. I'm excited, I feel connected, and I am eager to work.

A nice dream

I had a dream last night where I was walking in this boutique-like market place. Upscale hippies, if you will. All clothes colorful, natural, and well-made. I was admiting this mustard yellow wool hat and the family at the booth was talking quietly, smiling at me and each other, and adjusting various items to look busy. I picked up the hat, fingering the softness of the wool felt. I don't wear hats regularly unless it's cold, but this was a NICE hat. Felt like the love was blended right into it.
So I started telling this family that I liked their stuff. The woman said, "Thank you." Then I asked if she made all the items, and she nodded with such pride! Then she told me that she was the sole bread-winner and the four person family thrived on her income from selling these amazing pieces. "Really?" I asked. The whole family nodded.
I felt such a warmth inside me at that point.
Of course then I woke up, but it was such an amazing feeling!
The part of me that adored my same ol' pattern of trying for a bit and then giving up after I'd barraged myself with enough negative self-talk is dying away. She has long out-stayed her welcome. Even when Josh says I should focus more on writing, I feel the pang of my hand being busy creating SOMETHING. I guess it's easy to tell myself it's not worth it. But I miss being in the studio. I dream about making clothes. I dream about an awesome studio space where I am inspired, drinking mug o' tea and trying different color combos. I don't care about making money at this point. I just want to be in the studio and make stuff. Give it to friends, sell a few things online, who knows?

I had a Reiki session tonight and that's another thing I really like. I don't want to have to pick one thing to do. I just want to do it all. Little bits as I go.

So the dream ignited the spark AGAIN and maybe this time, as I am learning about taking care of myself and my NEEDS (of which creativity ranks very high in the whole scheme of things) and listening to that inner voice say "It's okay, just make something."

On that note, it's important, when taking care of my inner child, to listen to her ask for what she DOES want and not only what she doesn't want. And if I am having trouble with motivation or will or self-esteem, it's a good time to turn it over to God.

In OA there's a lot of talk about turning the bad stuff over to God to help us deal with it. But why not also the good stuff? Can't I get some help from the Universe in pursuit of my dreams as well? Of course I can. So I meditate on getting myself to the studio and letting the Universal Inspiration flow through me. I don't care what comes out, just want to keep my hands moving.

And also, want to keep writing. I'm going to the raw potluck this weekend and then I will pitch the article to Ritzy. I also want to start submitting to The Sun and other mags. :) So I need help with that too...

Writing Group and more

I haven't posted yet about my writing group. IT ROCKS. At first I was just happy to have a place and folks to write with and now I feel as though I am actually (and we are) starting down the friendly, intimate road...how exciting. And organic. And not from my own steam! This is a step in the write (!) direction. I do believe writing is something that nourishes me so that I can move away from food, anger, obsession (unless it's with writing...). I really like the time, once a month, when I can show up, hair bedraggled, and listen, share, and write with the group. It's really powerful. I should write a piece about it.

Anyway, it's something that I am looking forward to each month and it gives me hope regarding my life as a writer.

Also, I saw the movie The Secret. It's a bit like this other movie with new agey folks in it, but I don't mind the simplicity with which the folks spoke. I need to hear that I have the power to attract whatever I want in my life. The Law of Attraction is powerful and I can learn to use it to my benefit, rather than deficit.

On that tip, I have felt this gentle nudging to go to the studio. I've also felt a desire to work on stuff, various projects. Not being on sugar I think helps me be more aware to the times when it (my work/the studio) calls to me. At work, I spend more time reading and writing and web surfing than I do working. Yes, this is fun for a while, but I realize that underemployment may also be a problem. I don't necessarily WANT more work per se, but then I need to balance that out when I am not at work. The studio pops in my mind.
I do feel some sort of shame in wanting to make stuff. Mostly because I always want to move into the aspect of selling the stuff I make and then I am instantly overwhelmed and therefore do nothing. Our studio is great, but half of it is vacant (other tenants haven't been there in months, but they are supposed to be paying rent and if they are not, then fine. If they are, then we shouldn't take over their area). I am considering outside work to cover any additional payments we'd have if we took over the whole rent.
Part of me knows that fear is keeping me from moving forward into owning the whole space. What if it costs too much for us? What if we end up not being able to pay? What if????

The Law of Attraction comes into play here. I definitely don't live abundantly in that way. We are always "steps away" from poverty in my mind. ACK! The Law of Attraction isn't just for good people, or worthy people. It's for people who spend time each day seeing themselves attracting what they want: new green house, life free from fear, success with selling handmade items, etc. There is no limit to abundance. So of course I can have as much as I want! And especially, if it means that I am working happily and successfully in matters that mean something.
I have this job with SCBI because I wanted a job where I could be supported while I pursued my other more creative interests. Now's the time!
ACTION!