Writing an Article

I'm writing an article that I hope to publish, but I am finding it to be quite a challenging process. The editor is nitpicking everything, and while I know she is nervous about my ability, it feels shitty. I am close to giving up, but I don't want to, because I really enjoy the subject matter AND the interviews I've done are mind-blowing and life-changing. They have inspired me to continue pursuing a raw food lifestyle. I am not going 100% any time soon, but it feels just like when I went vegan/vegetarian. Milk is just no longer in my life. Sugar is no longer in my life. Wheat is next in line to be taken out of my life. It feels good. It's slow, for sure, but I am happy about it. I eat differently than most people, but I am happy to start learning how to eat better and how to share that with others. Spending my time in the kitchen, preparing delicious, nutrient-filled food can't be a bad thing.

The article will get written. The editor will have to fire me if she doesn't like my writing. Oh well. I will carry on.

My Way Works Great!

I discussed with my therapist this week that even though I worry about the future a lot, I don't really have much evidence that they way I live my life isn't working. I have exactly everything I want, despite my claim that I don't or might not. I live in abundance (even if I think I am poor), I have great relationships (even if some of them fall away necessarily), I eat well, live well, feel fulfilled for the most part (still working out the kinks of this) and generally feel good about my life, to say the least. I really do have a great life. I tend to get caught up in comparisons, guilt, judgement, criticisms, etc., and then I ignore that my connection with the Divine Universe is strong and openly communicative.
I am very healthy, I have lots of awareness, I am intelligent and open...while I have many things to work on of course, I can take time to appreciate that the way I live works great. I don't have to be like everyone else to live a good life. And of course, it is also true that everyone doesn't have to live like me to have a good life, either. I'm still learning that. But first things first.
I have a writing assignment that easily came into my life and instead of wasting time staring at it, wondering if it's real, and waiting til the last minute to accept it and begin work, I just decided to begin work now and skip the mumbo jumbo in the beginning.

And to be a member of this society, country, generation/age group, race, class, etc. I do NOT need to take digs at myself to fit in. I do not have to sit down and be quiet OR stand up and be counted. I can live my life the way that I feel most empowered. Sometimes it involves sitting, sometimes standing, other times dancing and singing. There is no judgment day...it's everyday! Am I doing everything in MY power (not someone else's power) to live MY life to its fullest? All I have to say is that one thing and immediately, my attitude changes.

I have an iPod now, which I was a bit against in the beginning, and I listen to it on the bus. Previously, I claimed that I like to listen to the world on the bus, just to keep contact. Sometimes I listen to my iPod, sometimes I listen to other people. I happened to be waiting for the bus on Dexter and Denny when one of my current favorite songs came on. I can hardly resist the urge to tap my feet or do a little understated dance when hearing a song I like. But I usually do resist because, well, I don't like looking crazy.
When I used to drive, I would have the music way up and be dancing in my car like said crazy person. I LOVED when people would honk and give me the thumbs up in encouragement. I miss those moments. And now with my white headphones and nothing but time waiting for the bus, I can exaggerate the toe tapping, lip sync the lyrics, and dance however I like. Because I AM crazy! I like not standing still! I LOVE to dance, so why the hell not? It's not illegal and the most I will do is provide someone in a passing car a moment of happiness (whether laughing at me or with me, makes no difference to me!). And of course I feel better no matter what. So I say BOP YOUR HEAD, LIPSYNC THOSE LYRICS, DANCE all you want.

The worry that I have a bad habit of inviting into my life never helps and frankly, is inauthentic. I'm not that worried. The world has gone on for this long without my control over it and I can't really see the difference I've made in worrying about it. Of course there are moments that are uncomfortable. I am only getting used to living the way I feel. It's hard when I interact with others...but I am learning that anger doesn't mean death, saying no doesn't mean forever, creating boundaries doesn't mean defense. It's just how I live and feel.

I get emails from Findhorn every so often and recently one of the founders,Eileen Caddy, who was living at Findhorn the whole time, recently passed away. Her connection to the Universe was profound and helped create this amazing community. I find some relief and inspiration in her final words:

“Tell them to be still and turn them within to find that place of peace and stillness, the God within. Then to live and move and have their being from that centre which is God within, and there you will find all the answers.”

I leave with that. I'm excited, I feel connected, and I am eager to work.