The Countdown and Trust

Double title. Lots is happening and I figure why not write about both things?
In one week, I'll be debarking the Anacortes Ferry toward my destination: Moran State Park.
I'll begin my preparations for our three day wedding. I'll probably be broken out, highly energetic, and unable to eat. Josh will be beside me, probably in 'execute' mode, a mode he operates in very comfortably. I will be a bit frantic and hectic and excited. I will speak fast and be entertaining (it's a strange place when I get a rush from entertaining)

Until that time I am pursuing my more creative endeavors. I have a few sacred items to finish. The rest of the details seem to be fading away and I am happy for it. I am tired of details. I am a detailed person, no doubt, but this past year has been a plethora of details, and I will be happy to stare into nothingness for two weeks. (I probably won't do that for more than a day, but it will be a good day).
Some things I've been feeling/processing in the past few weeks:

FEAR-This is not a fear of being married or leaving my family or anything profound. It's simply fear. Apparently, it's a fear of ruin, of making a mistake. Now, you might be wondering, "Doesn't that relate to marriage?" Normally, I would say yes, if I never felt this kind of fear prior to this. But I do. I fear ruin all the time. It's like the color of my eyes or my fingerprints. I just thought it was a part of me? Doesn't everyone fear ruin? Who likes to be ruined? No one. Only they probably don't calculate EVERY move based on the fear. I do. I did. But the fearful state is exhausting. While I am calculating every move, taking in many environmental situations simultaneously, I'm living an incredibly serious, methodical, non-spontaneous life. Which I have designed to look like fun (although, most intuitive friends will kindly let me know I do not fool them). Sure, I engage in tickling and watching comedy and laughing at funny jokes. But it's not the same. I admit, it's not that fun. I have to WORK at fun. In fact, I usually calculate how much fun is appropriate and not juvenile. I try to not have more fun than the average working person (just so I don't seem like I am bragging when my day goes well, every day). I figure out how much fun will cost. How much time fun will take. Who will have the fun with me. My hands are tired even now simply recounting it all. FUN. I'M HAVING FUN.
Not really.

LIFE PURPOSE. If you have spoken to me in the last week or the last 29 years, you'll know this is always a sticking point. 'My god, woman, get a job and be done with it!"
It's never that easy (at least I never let it be) and I have been struggling with this since I knew it could be a struggle. (All of this was illuminated during a Reiki session this past week). But while I try to 'craft' my life, I am missing out on my life. I am only choosing the safest, most rational path...and the Source, the Universe, and God all know that there is a lot more available out there than what I have calculated.
It doesn't have to be that hard, nor that complicated, and it doesn't need to be pre-approved by the bank. What makes me happy? What inspires me? I don't have to know right away, but I have to be willing to listen. Craigslist does not offer the perfect job, if I am not looking for it. If I am looking for 'good enough' or 'struggle' or 'complacency' then I can always find it. And also, craigslist is not the only way God can talk to us (I know, this may be shocking to some folks). Inspiration can come in an instant. I don't have to wait 4-6 weeks. Or after I 'pay my dues' (consequently, when does one know when one has paid said dues?).

COMMUNITY
I've just been thinking about it a lot. And my upcoming partnership. And kids in the future. And a house/home where I feel at peace.

How does this all relate?
I had a great energy session a few days ago. As usual, my second chakra (read here http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/chakrasvadhisthana.htm ) is depleted. I don't trust. I'm not nuturing my creative, intuitive self. I'm actually willing myself to be creative (and failing miserably, actually) and thus, not listening to the Source, the world around me, or any guidance. My sensuality has been a bit vacant. I'm calculating not sensing. I tend to do that. It tends to tire me out.
Until this energy session, I have simply put any still quiet voice on mute so that I can carry on with my life. Because I saw spirituality and connection to Source as a hobby, I rarely entertained any practice. I know it's more like food. I will become cranky, irritable, spacey, and desperate if I ignore my connection to Source. I NEED the connection. It gives me vitality, shows me the path of least resistance, validates my happiness and intuition, gives me peace. I need it all the time. Just like I need to eat when I am both calm and stressed. I need that connection not just when I feel like a good Ohm in my quiet apartment, but also when I am running around crazy, preparing for my wedding. And my honeymoon. And my career. And my life. And buying a house. Having a baby. Getting a dog. Saying hello to Josh. Writing my blog. I need it all the time.
And this leads me to TRUST.
A word I don't really use often. In fact, I rarely entertain the idea for myself, although I have heard the word uttered from my mouth and encouraged for other people. Trust. Trust. Trust. I can trust only when I know what I am trusting (thus, completely negating it). I trust my own knowledge. I trust God sometimes, but only when it's convenient. I hear guidance and feel moved to act, but I always need a cross-reference, a second (or third) opinion, and I need to check it against common experience (which is almost always never something I enjoy or really pay attention to).

What happens when I don't trust?

Well, nothing. I get so bogged down by shoulds and coulds that I end up sleeping in more, going to bed early, not writing, not calling, and not acting. I second guess every thought, idea, inspiration. I check it against what I see in the world. I get depressed. I eat more. Every suggestion or helpful friend gets a lethargic and frustrated smile. Some are lucky enough to get tears (which is a sign of relief, and yet sometimes it's just a stalling technique). I stop listening to myself, which is the worst offense. I forget that I have infinite wisdom. I forget that the Source provides. That I am a spiritual person. That happiness is mine without any struggle. It's a shame.

Why am I telling you this?

I'm telling ME this. If you want some inspiration to act, you can watch my process unfold and see where it reflects your life. Maybe your second chakra is depleted too. The point is that I'm not telling you this so I can feel good about passing on some advice. I know I do that when I don't want to look at myself. But I am sharing this with you so that I can stop being right all the time. So I can stop controlling myself into a dark room with no people. So I can blow the whistle on the pretense I think no one can see (Who am I fooling?). I want to unwind. I want to go back to healing but I don't want to fear making a mistake when I do it. I want to sit quietly and allow. It won't hurt me. In fact, it could be the best medicine I have available to myself.

I am eager to get married and listen to the Source.

I'm happy to be writing.

Friends Indeed

I am so thankful to have such supportive friends and family. I had my farewell to maidenhood party last weekend and the girls all made me several pages of inspiration for my writing. It was really great. I haven't read them all yet, they will be bound into a book for me to read and get inspiration from. Very cool.

The weekend went perfectly. I had no expectations (no hints were given) and it was nice not to be in control. Challenging at times (I wanted to pick up dishes and kept deferring to everyone regarding decisions) but nice to be able to actually let go. We had yummy food (morrocan deliciousness and middle eastern, all from scratch, lunch), we made pages (I made a few pages for myself) for the book, then we went to paint pottery to bring back the idea of getting china for your wedding...I picked out a really easy glaze pattern (which we managed to screw up via the wrong layering of glaze) and I got two sushi plates, a charger, two seder holder things, and a bowl. It was all really nice. I loved it! We had the place to ourselves for the most part and despite the insecure, incompetent helper, it was great fun. I was happy to get some things that I'd be able to use. They sort of match our plates, even.

Then everyone split up and I went with Elise to her house and while she made dinner, I took a nap. Sometimes too much activity can be overwhelming (wait til the wedding, I remind myself) and that was GREAT. Then everyone got back together and we enjoyed an amazing meal cooked by Elise. All the while we were sharing stories, laughing, and I was actually relaxed.

Then we talked some more and Layla gave me an arm massage...whoa. So nice. It's great when my friends pamper me...it's a lot more powerful than simply going to a massage therapist and paying for the rub...friends bring a personal energy that I really value. Lauren rubbed my feet and legs and then gave me a pedicure. It was fabulous. I will remember to do that for my other friends as they celebrate special days.

We didn't go to sleep until about 3am and then at 7:15am I was wide awake again. The guys came over and made an amazing breakfast and we shared how our weekend went. It was truly the exact thing I wanted.

On a deeper level, during the grace over food that Elise did, I got a taste of the actual transition I am making in my life. Planning a wedding takes the spirit of it away a little as I get bogged down with details fairly easily. But when Elise asked God to guide me through this change in my life, I grounded and realized that this big move comes slowly and subtly but, make no mistake, is quite a big move in my life.

Being mostly independent for my whole life has made me get out of habit with regards to considering other people in my decisions, listening to others without judging, and truly seeing that another person may have a completely different view of life and yet it is just as legitimate as mine. Also, when I flip out and Josh wants to help, I need to let him sometimes. When I am going on about whatever and I am offered a respite, a moment to reflect, or a way to move through it, I am learning to take it, rather than push it away out of pride or anger or apathy. It's hard to learn those lessons. My upcoming marriage to Josh will provide many things I have not thought of or believed I would be able to get. I am joining a team that by definition is stronger than the individual. Choices and decisions, while they are still mine in many ways, now affect my new family. Things that took precedence before are changing their place in the priority order. A bit of grace goes a long way and it's strange to start learning humility and compassion not because it serves me, but because it serves the larger community I am joining and creating.

Seeing all our friends wish us well in our marriage this weekend, made me think harder about living in Europe. While I still want to birth our children there, I am less inclined to want to move permanently (the desire and the reality have always conflicted and this is a case where I can't just do what I want, when I want). Now I want to be there to have my kids, but I want to come home so that my kids know their family, biological and chosen. To be gifted with such supportive friends and family is the biggest gift of life and a village will truly help raise our children.

Commitment is a strange thing. It's not just a commitment to external, tangible things, either. It's a desire to let souls connect, hearts melt, and to feel truly connected, especially in times of pain and loss. It's easy to love your friends and family when you're having a good time and it's all going right...but the test is when you're feeling like shit and you can't get out of bed and you want to sit and eat all day...if you can still go to your friends, or they can come to you in those times, then you've got it made. And if those are the requirements, I got a good thing going.

I have one friend who lives in SF and I really miss her. But when I miss her, I call her now. I tell her stupid stories about nothing and I tell her when I am doing important things just to hear her supportive words or share the moment. And another friend lives in NC and I write her paper letters. I haven't done that in years, but we've been doing it for about a year and it's been great. I get physical, nostalgia-producing, love letters. Amazing. So distance doesn't mean a thing. It's an obstacle that can be overcome. So I am rethinking my Europe plan, trying to figure out how to visit more instead of move there...I go back and forth, but I want to pay attention to the shift I am going through regarding settling down, and committing to a community of loving friends and family.

Wedding Zombie

I'm in wedding mode full time and I have not really been processing much of anything. It's strange and uncomfortable to say the least. Even when I talk with Josh, I'm a bit out of it. He tries to pull me back down to earth, but sometimes that doesn't even work. It's time to get all the last minute things done as we don't really have a last minute so to speak...they just all have to be done. Yikes. I'm working as well, so that's a bit much at times. Although, I'll bring my laptop tomorrow and see if I can get more things done that way. Ha ha!
If I had any energy to write about all of this (other than blog) I would. It's a trip, for sure. I see why people elope. I mean, I wouldn't do it but I can see the attraction.

I have to start scheduling the completion of many things so that I don't leave them for all at once. I've been known to do that. Although all simple tasks, it's hard to hold all the details in my head. It's not a bride thing either. It's a Becca thing. I do this for some reason. Always gotta have my hand in everything. GRR. Well, it'll all be over soon enough. I hope I remember to do laundry.

Writing Vows

I had a big writing assignment last weekend. Writing my vows for our wedding. I won't go into details because the surprise would be ruined for Josh but it was an interesting experience. Writing something short and concise and yet saying the most fundamental things in regards to our future lives together. Tall order. My second draft seems to be good. It brings tears so that's a good sign. I'm a bit overwhelmed with details at the moment so I'm in "complete task" mode and I'm sure once I am in front of a lot of people, I will lose it completely, to my utter delight. I like expressing emotion.
This is a rare day when I get to write for as long as I want. I'm not cleaning today (three more cleaning days left!) and I'm trying not to only do things for the wedding in my 'free' time. I watched a lot of movies yesterday when I got home (after having found out that my dress is a bit too big now). I have to take care of me sometimes.

I'm easily forgetting the Spirit in my life again. A lot of decisions are getting made and being processed and I have no connection to a higher power. Which points to the fact that I need to simplify. It's easy to lose myself when there is too much to do, very little time and no checkpoints to take a moment and get present.

Josh and I have begun the process of building a house. Now that process is long, and full of challenges, and there has to be many opportunities for Spirit to be included. It's too much to be making huge decisions right before we get married so we've begun the discussions about which huge decisions are on the table. I think there is a lot of "settle down" energy coming up for me which is new, for sure. I still want to travel, but now I want a nice place to come home to. :)

I've exhausted my ability to sit still and write (my restlessness increases as I approach the wedding day...)