The Countdown and Trust
Double title. Lots is happening and I figure why not write about both things?
In one week, I'll be debarking the Anacortes Ferry toward my destination: Moran State Park.
I'll begin my preparations for our three day wedding. I'll probably be broken out, highly energetic, and unable to eat. Josh will be beside me, probably in 'execute' mode, a mode he operates in very comfortably. I will be a bit frantic and hectic and excited. I will speak fast and be entertaining (it's a strange place when I get a rush from entertaining)
Until that time I am pursuing my more creative endeavors. I have a few sacred items to finish. The rest of the details seem to be fading away and I am happy for it. I am tired of details. I am a detailed person, no doubt, but this past year has been a plethora of details, and I will be happy to stare into nothingness for two weeks. (I probably won't do that for more than a day, but it will be a good day).
Some things I've been feeling/processing in the past few weeks:
FEAR-This is not a fear of being married or leaving my family or anything profound. It's simply fear. Apparently, it's a fear of ruin, of making a mistake. Now, you might be wondering, "Doesn't that relate to marriage?" Normally, I would say yes, if I never felt this kind of fear prior to this. But I do. I fear ruin all the time. It's like the color of my eyes or my fingerprints. I just thought it was a part of me? Doesn't everyone fear ruin? Who likes to be ruined? No one. Only they probably don't calculate EVERY move based on the fear. I do. I did. But the fearful state is exhausting. While I am calculating every move, taking in many environmental situations simultaneously, I'm living an incredibly serious, methodical, non-spontaneous life. Which I have designed to look like fun (although, most intuitive friends will kindly let me know I do not fool them). Sure, I engage in tickling and watching comedy and laughing at funny jokes. But it's not the same. I admit, it's not that fun. I have to WORK at fun. In fact, I usually calculate how much fun is appropriate and not juvenile. I try to not have more fun than the average working person (just so I don't seem like I am bragging when my day goes well, every day). I figure out how much fun will cost. How much time fun will take. Who will have the fun with me. My hands are tired even now simply recounting it all. FUN. I'M HAVING FUN.
Not really.
LIFE PURPOSE. If you have spoken to me in the last week or the last 29 years, you'll know this is always a sticking point. 'My god, woman, get a job and be done with it!"
It's never that easy (at least I never let it be) and I have been struggling with this since I knew it could be a struggle. (All of this was illuminated during a Reiki session this past week). But while I try to 'craft' my life, I am missing out on my life. I am only choosing the safest, most rational path...and the Source, the Universe, and God all know that there is a lot more available out there than what I have calculated.
It doesn't have to be that hard, nor that complicated, and it doesn't need to be pre-approved by the bank. What makes me happy? What inspires me? I don't have to know right away, but I have to be willing to listen. Craigslist does not offer the perfect job, if I am not looking for it. If I am looking for 'good enough' or 'struggle' or 'complacency' then I can always find it. And also, craigslist is not the only way God can talk to us (I know, this may be shocking to some folks). Inspiration can come in an instant. I don't have to wait 4-6 weeks. Or after I 'pay my dues' (consequently, when does one know when one has paid said dues?).
COMMUNITY
I've just been thinking about it a lot. And my upcoming partnership. And kids in the future. And a house/home where I feel at peace.
How does this all relate?
I had a great energy session a few days ago. As usual, my second chakra (read here http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/chakrasvadhisthana.htm ) is depleted. I don't trust. I'm not nuturing my creative, intuitive self. I'm actually willing myself to be creative (and failing miserably, actually) and thus, not listening to the Source, the world around me, or any guidance. My sensuality has been a bit vacant. I'm calculating not sensing. I tend to do that. It tends to tire me out.
Until this energy session, I have simply put any still quiet voice on mute so that I can carry on with my life. Because I saw spirituality and connection to Source as a hobby, I rarely entertained any practice. I know it's more like food. I will become cranky, irritable, spacey, and desperate if I ignore my connection to Source. I NEED the connection. It gives me vitality, shows me the path of least resistance, validates my happiness and intuition, gives me peace. I need it all the time. Just like I need to eat when I am both calm and stressed. I need that connection not just when I feel like a good Ohm in my quiet apartment, but also when I am running around crazy, preparing for my wedding. And my honeymoon. And my career. And my life. And buying a house. Having a baby. Getting a dog. Saying hello to Josh. Writing my blog. I need it all the time.
And this leads me to TRUST.
A word I don't really use often. In fact, I rarely entertain the idea for myself, although I have heard the word uttered from my mouth and encouraged for other people. Trust. Trust. Trust. I can trust only when I know what I am trusting (thus, completely negating it). I trust my own knowledge. I trust God sometimes, but only when it's convenient. I hear guidance and feel moved to act, but I always need a cross-reference, a second (or third) opinion, and I need to check it against common experience (which is almost always never something I enjoy or really pay attention to).
What happens when I don't trust?
Well, nothing. I get so bogged down by shoulds and coulds that I end up sleeping in more, going to bed early, not writing, not calling, and not acting. I second guess every thought, idea, inspiration. I check it against what I see in the world. I get depressed. I eat more. Every suggestion or helpful friend gets a lethargic and frustrated smile. Some are lucky enough to get tears (which is a sign of relief, and yet sometimes it's just a stalling technique). I stop listening to myself, which is the worst offense. I forget that I have infinite wisdom. I forget that the Source provides. That I am a spiritual person. That happiness is mine without any struggle. It's a shame.
Why am I telling you this?
I'm telling ME this. If you want some inspiration to act, you can watch my process unfold and see where it reflects your life. Maybe your second chakra is depleted too. The point is that I'm not telling you this so I can feel good about passing on some advice. I know I do that when I don't want to look at myself. But I am sharing this with you so that I can stop being right all the time. So I can stop controlling myself into a dark room with no people. So I can blow the whistle on the pretense I think no one can see (Who am I fooling?). I want to unwind. I want to go back to healing but I don't want to fear making a mistake when I do it. I want to sit quietly and allow. It won't hurt me. In fact, it could be the best medicine I have available to myself.
I am eager to get married and listen to the Source.
I'm happy to be writing.
In one week, I'll be debarking the Anacortes Ferry toward my destination: Moran State Park.
I'll begin my preparations for our three day wedding. I'll probably be broken out, highly energetic, and unable to eat. Josh will be beside me, probably in 'execute' mode, a mode he operates in very comfortably. I will be a bit frantic and hectic and excited. I will speak fast and be entertaining (it's a strange place when I get a rush from entertaining)
Until that time I am pursuing my more creative endeavors. I have a few sacred items to finish. The rest of the details seem to be fading away and I am happy for it. I am tired of details. I am a detailed person, no doubt, but this past year has been a plethora of details, and I will be happy to stare into nothingness for two weeks. (I probably won't do that for more than a day, but it will be a good day).
Some things I've been feeling/processing in the past few weeks:
FEAR-This is not a fear of being married or leaving my family or anything profound. It's simply fear. Apparently, it's a fear of ruin, of making a mistake. Now, you might be wondering, "Doesn't that relate to marriage?" Normally, I would say yes, if I never felt this kind of fear prior to this. But I do. I fear ruin all the time. It's like the color of my eyes or my fingerprints. I just thought it was a part of me? Doesn't everyone fear ruin? Who likes to be ruined? No one. Only they probably don't calculate EVERY move based on the fear. I do. I did. But the fearful state is exhausting. While I am calculating every move, taking in many environmental situations simultaneously, I'm living an incredibly serious, methodical, non-spontaneous life. Which I have designed to look like fun (although, most intuitive friends will kindly let me know I do not fool them). Sure, I engage in tickling and watching comedy and laughing at funny jokes. But it's not the same. I admit, it's not that fun. I have to WORK at fun. In fact, I usually calculate how much fun is appropriate and not juvenile. I try to not have more fun than the average working person (just so I don't seem like I am bragging when my day goes well, every day). I figure out how much fun will cost. How much time fun will take. Who will have the fun with me. My hands are tired even now simply recounting it all. FUN. I'M HAVING FUN.
Not really.
LIFE PURPOSE. If you have spoken to me in the last week or the last 29 years, you'll know this is always a sticking point. 'My god, woman, get a job and be done with it!"
It's never that easy (at least I never let it be) and I have been struggling with this since I knew it could be a struggle. (All of this was illuminated during a Reiki session this past week). But while I try to 'craft' my life, I am missing out on my life. I am only choosing the safest, most rational path...and the Source, the Universe, and God all know that there is a lot more available out there than what I have calculated.
It doesn't have to be that hard, nor that complicated, and it doesn't need to be pre-approved by the bank. What makes me happy? What inspires me? I don't have to know right away, but I have to be willing to listen. Craigslist does not offer the perfect job, if I am not looking for it. If I am looking for 'good enough' or 'struggle' or 'complacency' then I can always find it. And also, craigslist is not the only way God can talk to us (I know, this may be shocking to some folks). Inspiration can come in an instant. I don't have to wait 4-6 weeks. Or after I 'pay my dues' (consequently, when does one know when one has paid said dues?).
COMMUNITY
I've just been thinking about it a lot. And my upcoming partnership. And kids in the future. And a house/home where I feel at peace.
How does this all relate?
I had a great energy session a few days ago. As usual, my second chakra (read here http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/chakrasvadhisthana.htm ) is depleted. I don't trust. I'm not nuturing my creative, intuitive self. I'm actually willing myself to be creative (and failing miserably, actually) and thus, not listening to the Source, the world around me, or any guidance. My sensuality has been a bit vacant. I'm calculating not sensing. I tend to do that. It tends to tire me out.
Until this energy session, I have simply put any still quiet voice on mute so that I can carry on with my life. Because I saw spirituality and connection to Source as a hobby, I rarely entertained any practice. I know it's more like food. I will become cranky, irritable, spacey, and desperate if I ignore my connection to Source. I NEED the connection. It gives me vitality, shows me the path of least resistance, validates my happiness and intuition, gives me peace. I need it all the time. Just like I need to eat when I am both calm and stressed. I need that connection not just when I feel like a good Ohm in my quiet apartment, but also when I am running around crazy, preparing for my wedding. And my honeymoon. And my career. And my life. And buying a house. Having a baby. Getting a dog. Saying hello to Josh. Writing my blog. I need it all the time.
And this leads me to TRUST.
A word I don't really use often. In fact, I rarely entertain the idea for myself, although I have heard the word uttered from my mouth and encouraged for other people. Trust. Trust. Trust. I can trust only when I know what I am trusting (thus, completely negating it). I trust my own knowledge. I trust God sometimes, but only when it's convenient. I hear guidance and feel moved to act, but I always need a cross-reference, a second (or third) opinion, and I need to check it against common experience (which is almost always never something I enjoy or really pay attention to).
What happens when I don't trust?
Well, nothing. I get so bogged down by shoulds and coulds that I end up sleeping in more, going to bed early, not writing, not calling, and not acting. I second guess every thought, idea, inspiration. I check it against what I see in the world. I get depressed. I eat more. Every suggestion or helpful friend gets a lethargic and frustrated smile. Some are lucky enough to get tears (which is a sign of relief, and yet sometimes it's just a stalling technique). I stop listening to myself, which is the worst offense. I forget that I have infinite wisdom. I forget that the Source provides. That I am a spiritual person. That happiness is mine without any struggle. It's a shame.
Why am I telling you this?
I'm telling ME this. If you want some inspiration to act, you can watch my process unfold and see where it reflects your life. Maybe your second chakra is depleted too. The point is that I'm not telling you this so I can feel good about passing on some advice. I know I do that when I don't want to look at myself. But I am sharing this with you so that I can stop being right all the time. So I can stop controlling myself into a dark room with no people. So I can blow the whistle on the pretense I think no one can see (Who am I fooling?). I want to unwind. I want to go back to healing but I don't want to fear making a mistake when I do it. I want to sit quietly and allow. It won't hurt me. In fact, it could be the best medicine I have available to myself.
I am eager to get married and listen to the Source.
I'm happy to be writing.
posted by Becca Campbell @ 12:47 PM
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