Writing as a Way of Healing

Well, I think I've maintained a very surface, somewhat objective view on my process as of late. Sometimes my writing voice is geared toward audience and I don't always write from the deepest depths.
But in reading this book (title above), I realize that I am pretty anxious about writing about the deepest parts of my life. There are thoughts that run through my head daily that are not about buying milk, or getting the mail. They center more on what I have swirling inside me about my past, my childhood, my fears, etc.
Louise DeSalvo, the author of WAAWOH, gives concrete advise and examples that have inspired me to look at this shadowy part of my self, my life, and the things that swim around when I am waiting for the bus, or trying to brush my teeth.

I have written about sexual abuse in my journal, at some distance. I've spoken with many therapists about it, gone through extensive healing, and been able to even feel somewhat normal (relatively, of course). But the fact is, I haven't really written about it. About how I felt at the time (did I feel?), about how it happened, even about what exactly happened. I tend to spare others and myself the nitty gritty because it's sometimes embarrassing and also sometimes really painful to talk about it. I also know that writing it down makes it "real" in the sense that it gives me something to read again at a later time and I know I have a habit of not wanting to read or even acknowledge stuff that is upsetting (to say the least).
I've written many an unsent letter and shared with a therapist or two, only to be told to rewrite it or not send it because something hadn't been expressed. They were always gentle, but I never really felt supported in the writing about it.

Similarly with the death of my dad. I've written about it a lot, but from a distant, poetic place, rather than a close-up, 'this is how I felt' place. I have much more to write about, I see.

I've been treating my writing and writing itself as a pleasant pasttime that can be brought out on vcacations and shared only in school settings (where it's okay for it to be bad, unpolished, and amateur). This has discounted my love, my need of/for writing. I have been writing since I was in second grade. I can remember (even if I haven't read it in over 7 years) my first entry. I can remember the rage I used to feel (and scribble with) when I wrote. In retrospect, I can see how my writing styles were methods of healing styles and how those helped me see a bigger world, without having to directly navigate it.

Writing as a career is a great thing. I hope to do it one day. Soon. But before I can get to a career, with crossed t's and dotted i's, I feel pulled to really get down into myself and reveal my life. It scares the shit out of me, make no mistake about that, but I realize that it's necessary. It's not about publishing my tragic memoir of surviving sexual abuse while enduring the loss of my father. It's about how I survived, how I was effected, how writing helped me, how it continues to help me, and how speaking the truth isn't just for politicians and well-known writers and heroes.

I'm embarking on this journey with a lot more self-care. I'm creating a writing/reading schedule. I'm going to be gentle with my process, while at the same time trying to challenge myself to share more and more deeply.

What scares me is that revealing details and secrets can be terrifying. It can have repurcussions that I can't control. It can be painful to revisit. But what scares me even more, is that I could live the rest of my life NOT doing it...and I believe that will harm me (and others) more.

I chose my concentration for my degree to be "Writing for Sustainable Community." What I just realized today is that I'm writing to sustain my OWN community. I have a very amazing family, that has its share of tragedy, that I am of course a part of. I see my writing as a way to examine my past and empathize with others in light of those tragedies. While my family, in all its configurations might not necessarily cheer me on in my endeavors, it's nonetheless an important part of healing. At least for me, but I believe it to be the case for them too.

I won't always share my writing here, right away. That's just a boundary/precaution that I want to have. But I will feel free to talk about the writing (forgive please, it's possible crypticness) so that I can still share about the process I am going through. That is an important part!

When I decided to be a writer, I had completely different intentions (I flashed to Dave Eggers, JK Rowling, Maya Angelou, Stephen King, etc.) but really, they wrote for similar reasons. Fame isn't the goal, expressing myself is. And that is something I can do without any previous experience.

So thanks for reading, commenting, and supporting me. It doesn't go unnoticed.