Frustration

I'm getting pretty frustrated with myself. I've decided to stop cleaning for my wages (they weren't a lot and we're trying to buy a house so I need a better, more stable income). But writing takes a lot of work...and honestly, I feel a bit lost when I sit down to write. I need topics and structure. Here's the thing: I like to write. I have a lot of interest in many things. But I need some structure. Deadlines, guidance, etc. If I had to write everyday on one thing, then I could do that. But not without another external entity moving me in that direction. Now this external entity can't be a hardass...I respond well to gentle, constructive feedback. I can do good work with praise. I can be humorous, informative, and pleasant to read. When it comes time to sit and write, I draw a complete blank. Well, not a complete one, which I would be able to deal with, but I hear all these ideas in my head and not one speaks to me. Have you ever tried writing without passion? It sucks.
So I'm back to the freelancing drawing board, knowing that writing will still be hard, but at least I can look for writing gigs that offer some structure. Basically, I don't have enough literary energy to just make things up and have them be brilliant. I'm not sure anyone has this, although it seems that they do. But maybe that's because I want it to seem that writing is too hard and that I am destined to do manual labor (somewhat mediocrely) for the rest of my life.

Josh has informed me that it's not wise to go from one manual labor job to another thinking that my writing will improve with less time put in to do it. My pride is hurt of course, because I don't like admitting that hard work is really not my thing. I don't believe writing is hard work, as it stands, and yet, it is! I know that by admitting my work aversion, I am calling myself out, but at this point, it's not fair to assume that I have the slightest clue about what I am doing (or not doing...). I want to make money and yet, I don't want to work to do it. I want to write and yet I want it to come "organically" (which might mean in between my organic lunches, trips to the movies, and fabric store shopping sprees). Writing doesn't usually come on command like that, nor does it present the best idea within seconds, all ready to be published. I should know that from many years in school.
I should not (and hopefully won't) get another job simply to buy bread. I should work on writing. I work out 4 days a week now, and I go, no matter how I feel. Sometimes I have a great workout, and sometimes I am barely breathing by the end (and if I'm lucky, that's the same workout). But I notice the difference when I don't work out. My body doesn't change.

How do I create structure? How do I create a timeline where I have to submit something? When the wedding is over, I want to be in a writing group so that I HAVE to write. Sometimes I miss school. How easy was it to write every week what my instructor asked for? Self-discipline hasn't been my strong suit...unless it's FOR something else. Can I write for a new house? It's worth a try.

I've been getting up later too...I had a few days of getting up early to write, but then that stopped. UGH. And the frustration continues.