Dumping the Brain
It's useful for me to wake up and write right away because it allows me to dump my brain. Like this morning I woke from a weird dream where I was with a group of people and we were on a marine biology type boat and there were all these fishy things that people were looking for. Someone told me I had a "good hook" (which I have no idea about). And we rescued a woman who was going to be eaten by an eel. And the people on the boat with me were catching weird, white, flat fish. Flounder? Anyway, I was eager to get off the boat and stop investigating this stuff.
I also like to write because it lets me sluff off the day before a little. I can start new. As well as I can start to frame my day through writing. I can have some productive time looking at the space before me and try to organize it.
Today I will have a lot of time alone to work...I think time isn't the issue...I was afraid to discover that. Materials can be another "imagined" block as well but it comes down to taking that shaky step forward. My feet feel like lead when I think about actually starting a project (or finishing it, for that matter). I could find so many other things to do.
I read a book called "Getting Things Done" and one of the major points it made was that when you have a project to do, you can't just put your project on the "to do" list and move from there. You have to break it down to its most basic steps.
For instance, to start a sewing project I have to go to the fabric store and by the fabric. It may sound simple but you wouldn't believe how many times I have been stalled by the "next step." I am having a hard time deciding what to do first (Another easy way to stay immobile!). I have many things I need to get done, a few I want to get done, and a few still that scare the shit out of me and probably won't get done anytime soon.
-->to that end (the one about being scared), I am frightened of using my art to explore the darker side of my childhood. I know it's there to be explored and I have made a living ignoring it, but it seems so vast, like I would never finish looking and probing. It's not just that my dad died, or that I was sexually abused, but it was the aftermath of those things. It was how they affected me and maybe how they still affect me that haunt me. Sure, I lead a very nice, comfortable, even stable life now, but it's daunting to know that my fear of creating may even link to those events.
I guess that's why I have to keep going...I have to dig in.
I was doing some inner work and this idea came to me that if I didn't acknowledge this shadow part of me, I wouldn't be able to access my purpose very effectively. It was a profound thought.
I don't even think I have written about it much. Maybe metaphorically, but generally I try to stay away from that stuff. Where to begin? And how many pieces? And, and, and...
This is my real struggle...if I open the beans, then what happens? How do I know I can survive the opening?
Faith, I guess. I have to trust that closer examination of my life won't kill me (which is a real, even if irrational, fear I have). I'm beginning to understand my energy system better through this too. I know I can feel the presence of people who aren't standing in front of me, but can I also access my own childhood energy? Can I also sit with those images and feelings?
How do I CREATE fear artistically?
How do I face this part of me that would rather just keep writing until my fingers fell off?
What does the blank canvas represent?
Another good book I read recently is called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and a big point in that book was writing a mission statement. You can write a personal one, one for your relationship, one for your family, for a project, for work, etc. It helps you clearly define your purpose and keep you on track.
I'll start there.
My mission is to tap into my wealth of creativity by exploring my shadow side, opening up to my intuition, and letting my experience of life be reflected in my art.
Wow, that just tumbled right out.
I had a moment with a friend recently, talking about how I dress, and I realized that I have this love hate relationship with my wardrobe. But the exciting part is that I have made that choice. I picked out/bought the clothes, I choose when to wear them, I choose how they fit, etc. Because I have all the power in deciding what I wear, there's no reason I should hate anything I wear. There's no reason I should feel shame or awkwardness...and really no reason I should keep things that don't make me feel good. When designing clothes, I'll keep that in mind. It's not just what looks cool or trendy, but how I want to experience myself. Do I want to be comfortable? Do I want to be versatile? Do I want clothes that do or don't accentuate certain parts? All those things should go into designing. I want to feel and look confident and stylish. I can create that.
Okay, I won't go on anymore. I am trying to make these entries somewhat readable and enjoyable. If I have more to say I can always come back...:)
I also like to write because it lets me sluff off the day before a little. I can start new. As well as I can start to frame my day through writing. I can have some productive time looking at the space before me and try to organize it.
Today I will have a lot of time alone to work...I think time isn't the issue...I was afraid to discover that. Materials can be another "imagined" block as well but it comes down to taking that shaky step forward. My feet feel like lead when I think about actually starting a project (or finishing it, for that matter). I could find so many other things to do.
I read a book called "Getting Things Done" and one of the major points it made was that when you have a project to do, you can't just put your project on the "to do" list and move from there. You have to break it down to its most basic steps.
For instance, to start a sewing project I have to go to the fabric store and by the fabric. It may sound simple but you wouldn't believe how many times I have been stalled by the "next step." I am having a hard time deciding what to do first (Another easy way to stay immobile!). I have many things I need to get done, a few I want to get done, and a few still that scare the shit out of me and probably won't get done anytime soon.
-->to that end (the one about being scared), I am frightened of using my art to explore the darker side of my childhood. I know it's there to be explored and I have made a living ignoring it, but it seems so vast, like I would never finish looking and probing. It's not just that my dad died, or that I was sexually abused, but it was the aftermath of those things. It was how they affected me and maybe how they still affect me that haunt me. Sure, I lead a very nice, comfortable, even stable life now, but it's daunting to know that my fear of creating may even link to those events.
I guess that's why I have to keep going...I have to dig in.
I was doing some inner work and this idea came to me that if I didn't acknowledge this shadow part of me, I wouldn't be able to access my purpose very effectively. It was a profound thought.
I don't even think I have written about it much. Maybe metaphorically, but generally I try to stay away from that stuff. Where to begin? And how many pieces? And, and, and...
This is my real struggle...if I open the beans, then what happens? How do I know I can survive the opening?
Faith, I guess. I have to trust that closer examination of my life won't kill me (which is a real, even if irrational, fear I have). I'm beginning to understand my energy system better through this too. I know I can feel the presence of people who aren't standing in front of me, but can I also access my own childhood energy? Can I also sit with those images and feelings?
How do I CREATE fear artistically?
How do I face this part of me that would rather just keep writing until my fingers fell off?
What does the blank canvas represent?
Another good book I read recently is called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and a big point in that book was writing a mission statement. You can write a personal one, one for your relationship, one for your family, for a project, for work, etc. It helps you clearly define your purpose and keep you on track.
I'll start there.
My mission is to tap into my wealth of creativity by exploring my shadow side, opening up to my intuition, and letting my experience of life be reflected in my art.
Wow, that just tumbled right out.
I had a moment with a friend recently, talking about how I dress, and I realized that I have this love hate relationship with my wardrobe. But the exciting part is that I have made that choice. I picked out/bought the clothes, I choose when to wear them, I choose how they fit, etc. Because I have all the power in deciding what I wear, there's no reason I should hate anything I wear. There's no reason I should feel shame or awkwardness...and really no reason I should keep things that don't make me feel good. When designing clothes, I'll keep that in mind. It's not just what looks cool or trendy, but how I want to experience myself. Do I want to be comfortable? Do I want to be versatile? Do I want clothes that do or don't accentuate certain parts? All those things should go into designing. I want to feel and look confident and stylish. I can create that.
Okay, I won't go on anymore. I am trying to make these entries somewhat readable and enjoyable. If I have more to say I can always come back...:)
posted by Becca Campbell @ 9:31 AM
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