The Process in Art

The Whole

2009-01-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

I have taken a LOT of time to find out what makes me go: physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. I spent a lot of time with each aspect, fine-tuning the separate mechanisms. Now I feel as though they are all learning to interact like a real whole system. It's very cool.
Food, intellectual pursuit, spiritual pursuit, nature, relationships, solitude, and more. They are beginning to play well together.

More Than a Year

2008-10-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

While this blog has been quiet for over a year, I just want everyone to know that I am still blogging. You can find more specific blogs at insiderawfood.blogspot.com and occasional posts on inspiredreiki.blogspot.com. I have branched out in my specific interests, which still talk about my process, but because I have chosen to go down specific, detail-oriented paths, I simply blog there more.

I'm debating coming back to a more general blog, maybe with double posts for those who don't just want to read about raw food...We'll see.

Hope you're enjoying the beginning of fall...

Cooked Food and Social Time

2007-04-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

Since being mostly raw for several months now, I regularly struggle with how to be with my friends and family and not eat cooked food.
This weekend we said goodbye to friends of ours who are moving away and I went out to Tango and it was really delicious food. But of course most of it was cooked and I gave in to tasting a variety of things. I felt like crap afterward and had TERRIBLE gas for many hours.
Luckily, the next day I didn't feel too hungry and I abstained from eating breakfast and lunch so that I could clean out a bit.
This is indicative of an internal struggle I have between not wanting to rock the boat and listening to what my body and spirit want. I wanted to be with my friends but I hate the idea that I seem to only eat salad and that it draws attention. I try to eat ahead of time so that I am not hungry, but I think I get socially hungry and want to try things and fit in. No one makes me feel bad, but I just want to participate.
I went to dinner a while ago with friends and the restaurant owner made a bigger deal about eating raw than I felt comfortable with. I must say my desire to eat out is declining, but my desire to be with others is increasing...hence the struggle.
We hope to have more potlucks so that it's easier to eat without the shenanigans and then we'll still get to hang out with our friends.

Process, process, process

2007-04-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the Vitamin D I am taking, or the jolts of inspiration that I get from friends, family, husband and podcasts, but I am feeling optimistic.
About what?
Well, I don't know, actually. Usually the limbo feeling makes me CRAZY and I don't like being there, but after some realization that my dreamed of "golden ticket" is really not the best way for me to pursue my dreams, ideas have been trickling in.
For instance: I like to write. I don't do it enough. I am bogged down by the idea that I either AM or AM NOT a writer. Forget the proof of my writing existing, I am worried about labels. And agents. And book deals. Stuff that I'm not even close to at the moment. I don't write because I haven't written. Yikes. But in the end, words still make it to paper, I still love it, and it's something that can make big money or little money and I know I can do it.
#2 I feel and usually am creative. I have good (read: artistic and inspired) ideas. They come to me like they come to other successful people: in the shower, on the toilet, in the morning, on the bus. I see them, I like them, other people like them. And then somewhere they get lost in the shuffle. But they still come. Since I can remember. They probably came before I can remember.
#3 I have resources. I read a lot. I know people. I am persuasive. I am passionate. I have a lot of energy. I connect with the Divine Universe. I'm smart. All these things are necessary in being successful, to me.
#4 No matter how many times my logical mind wants to shut down the operation of pursuing my dreams, the rest of me comes back, either with a sneak attack or an idea or whatever. I can't keep myself from dreaming and wanting to pursue the dreams.

This should all culminate in something big, yes? Of course. My life!
I want to own my own business. I have in the past (and technically, on paper, I still do) but I want to provide quality goods/services to others and add valuable experiences to their lives. Our wedding was a great example. I had fun planning and attending the wedding because not only was it MY wedding, but it was fun, creative, experiential, and all my favorite people were there. I want MORE of that. More intention, more depth, more fun, more enjoyment of life. It was only for 3 days, and we had TONS of help, but it was SO fulfilling. I really liked that part. I got to be creative, social, spiritual, and of course see and hang out with all my friends and family. I got to know people better and it was simply the best weekend ever.
It was a good microcosm of what's possible. We had HIGH hopes and they were met time and again. I am inspired to keep with that theme. Sure, we could've gotten a wedding planner to do it all, and then sat back and watched it unfold. But it would NOT have been as much fun. And we wouldn't have learned as much for sure.

I tend to get caught up in details: "I can't do that because I don't know X" or "To have a business in X, I have to have experience in X." Many excuses (on repeat) come to mind. But if I quiet that annoying voice of naysaying for a second, I hear the other voice of hope and possibility. "One step at a time" or "You don't have to do it all alone" or " That's a great idea!"
I like that voice much better.

I don't know what's next, quite honestly. I think maybe feeling more hopeful was next and then I could move forward. I want to simply start to let the good feelings flow more. Sure, owning a business is hard. It's even harder if I do it alone. It's harder still if I always think that it will stay hard. :)

There is no golden ticket. Just moving forward with ideas. I can be creative and write and stay at my job and pursue other business ideas. I can continue to do Reiki. It's not that hard. I can do as much or as little as I like. I want to do more than one thing, so that I am able to keep all my interests in my life.

Letting go of old habits, thought patterns, etc is a challenge, but it's worth it!

Clarity

2007-04-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

So I made a big deal about writing an article, and it turns out I don't really care for journalism so much. While the article is "okay" it doesn't really speak the experiences I've been having. Interviewing top raw food people in the movement has been extremely enlightening and really moving. The article doesn't show that. It's a typical piece: hook, history, story, opposing side, appropriate ending. It's dry and filled with quotes instead of reflections. It's probably informative but also superficial. Oh well.

I learned that writing is much bigger than that. What drew me to writing for this magazine was the $ and the ease of submission and that I knew the editor. None of those things are really good things to write for. What drew me to the subject was how people changed with raw food and the article doesn't reflect that. Food is becoming a spiritual aspect of daily life and I really dig that.
So I may not write for the mag again and/or probably won't pursue journalistic style writing/pieces again. I write from experience, and I enjoy it, and I believe it's good writing. I'm not closing all the doors, but I'm more selective now.

This process was brutal. I've never felt so much self-doubt regarding writing before and it was interesting to see what happened. Plus, my relationship with the editor has completely eroded. I don't like being micro-managed, it seems. I should've written the article first, then submitted it, and if she didn't like it, gone somewhere else. Now I know.

I also learned that my enthusiasm and excitement for the world around me is more important than making money. Writing is simply a tool to express myself, it is not the way I earn a living. I have a job. What I need to remember is that loving life is a good occupation and abundance comes from many places that I don't yet know about. :)

Writing an Article

2007-03-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

I'm writing an article that I hope to publish, but I am finding it to be quite a challenging process. The editor is nitpicking everything, and while I know she is nervous about my ability, it feels shitty. I am close to giving up, but I don't want to, because I really enjoy the subject matter AND the interviews I've done are mind-blowing and life-changing. They have inspired me to continue pursuing a raw food lifestyle. I am not going 100% any time soon, but it feels just like when I went vegan/vegetarian. Milk is just no longer in my life. Sugar is no longer in my life. Wheat is next in line to be taken out of my life. It feels good. It's slow, for sure, but I am happy about it. I eat differently than most people, but I am happy to start learning how to eat better and how to share that with others. Spending my time in the kitchen, preparing delicious, nutrient-filled food can't be a bad thing.

The article will get written. The editor will have to fire me if she doesn't like my writing. Oh well. I will carry on.

My Way Works Great!

2007-03-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

I discussed with my therapist this week that even though I worry about the future a lot, I don't really have much evidence that they way I live my life isn't working. I have exactly everything I want, despite my claim that I don't or might not. I live in abundance (even if I think I am poor), I have great relationships (even if some of them fall away necessarily), I eat well, live well, feel fulfilled for the most part (still working out the kinks of this) and generally feel good about my life, to say the least. I really do have a great life. I tend to get caught up in comparisons, guilt, judgement, criticisms, etc., and then I ignore that my connection with the Divine Universe is strong and openly communicative.
I am very healthy, I have lots of awareness, I am intelligent and open...while I have many things to work on of course, I can take time to appreciate that the way I live works great. I don't have to be like everyone else to live a good life. And of course, it is also true that everyone doesn't have to live like me to have a good life, either. I'm still learning that. But first things first.
I have a writing assignment that easily came into my life and instead of wasting time staring at it, wondering if it's real, and waiting til the last minute to accept it and begin work, I just decided to begin work now and skip the mumbo jumbo in the beginning.

And to be a member of this society, country, generation/age group, race, class, etc. I do NOT need to take digs at myself to fit in. I do not have to sit down and be quiet OR stand up and be counted. I can live my life the way that I feel most empowered. Sometimes it involves sitting, sometimes standing, other times dancing and singing. There is no judgment day...it's everyday! Am I doing everything in MY power (not someone else's power) to live MY life to its fullest? All I have to say is that one thing and immediately, my attitude changes.

I have an iPod now, which I was a bit against in the beginning, and I listen to it on the bus. Previously, I claimed that I like to listen to the world on the bus, just to keep contact. Sometimes I listen to my iPod, sometimes I listen to other people. I happened to be waiting for the bus on Dexter and Denny when one of my current favorite songs came on. I can hardly resist the urge to tap my feet or do a little understated dance when hearing a song I like. But I usually do resist because, well, I don't like looking crazy.
When I used to drive, I would have the music way up and be dancing in my car like said crazy person. I LOVED when people would honk and give me the thumbs up in encouragement. I miss those moments. And now with my white headphones and nothing but time waiting for the bus, I can exaggerate the toe tapping, lip sync the lyrics, and dance however I like. Because I AM crazy! I like not standing still! I LOVE to dance, so why the hell not? It's not illegal and the most I will do is provide someone in a passing car a moment of happiness (whether laughing at me or with me, makes no difference to me!). And of course I feel better no matter what. So I say BOP YOUR HEAD, LIPSYNC THOSE LYRICS, DANCE all you want.

The worry that I have a bad habit of inviting into my life never helps and frankly, is inauthentic. I'm not that worried. The world has gone on for this long without my control over it and I can't really see the difference I've made in worrying about it. Of course there are moments that are uncomfortable. I am only getting used to living the way I feel. It's hard when I interact with others...but I am learning that anger doesn't mean death, saying no doesn't mean forever, creating boundaries doesn't mean defense. It's just how I live and feel.

I get emails from Findhorn every so often and recently one of the founders,Eileen Caddy, who was living at Findhorn the whole time, recently passed away. Her connection to the Universe was profound and helped create this amazing community. I find some relief and inspiration in her final words:

“Tell them to be still and turn them within to find that place of peace and stillness, the God within. Then to live and move and have their being from that centre which is God within, and there you will find all the answers.”

I leave with that. I'm excited, I feel connected, and I am eager to work.

A nice dream

2007-02-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night where I was walking in this boutique-like market place. Upscale hippies, if you will. All clothes colorful, natural, and well-made. I was admiting this mustard yellow wool hat and the family at the booth was talking quietly, smiling at me and each other, and adjusting various items to look busy. I picked up the hat, fingering the softness of the wool felt. I don't wear hats regularly unless it's cold, but this was a NICE hat. Felt like the love was blended right into it.
So I started telling this family that I liked their stuff. The woman said, "Thank you." Then I asked if she made all the items, and she nodded with such pride! Then she told me that she was the sole bread-winner and the four person family thrived on her income from selling these amazing pieces. "Really?" I asked. The whole family nodded.
I felt such a warmth inside me at that point.
Of course then I woke up, but it was such an amazing feeling!
The part of me that adored my same ol' pattern of trying for a bit and then giving up after I'd barraged myself with enough negative self-talk is dying away. She has long out-stayed her welcome. Even when Josh says I should focus more on writing, I feel the pang of my hand being busy creating SOMETHING. I guess it's easy to tell myself it's not worth it. But I miss being in the studio. I dream about making clothes. I dream about an awesome studio space where I am inspired, drinking mug o' tea and trying different color combos. I don't care about making money at this point. I just want to be in the studio and make stuff. Give it to friends, sell a few things online, who knows?

I had a Reiki session tonight and that's another thing I really like. I don't want to have to pick one thing to do. I just want to do it all. Little bits as I go.

So the dream ignited the spark AGAIN and maybe this time, as I am learning about taking care of myself and my NEEDS (of which creativity ranks very high in the whole scheme of things) and listening to that inner voice say "It's okay, just make something."

On that note, it's important, when taking care of my inner child, to listen to her ask for what she DOES want and not only what she doesn't want. And if I am having trouble with motivation or will or self-esteem, it's a good time to turn it over to God.

In OA there's a lot of talk about turning the bad stuff over to God to help us deal with it. But why not also the good stuff? Can't I get some help from the Universe in pursuit of my dreams as well? Of course I can. So I meditate on getting myself to the studio and letting the Universal Inspiration flow through me. I don't care what comes out, just want to keep my hands moving.

And also, want to keep writing. I'm going to the raw potluck this weekend and then I will pitch the article to Ritzy. I also want to start submitting to The Sun and other mags. :) So I need help with that too...

Writing Group and more

2007-02-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted yet about my writing group. IT ROCKS. At first I was just happy to have a place and folks to write with and now I feel as though I am actually (and we are) starting down the friendly, intimate road...how exciting. And organic. And not from my own steam! This is a step in the write (!) direction. I do believe writing is something that nourishes me so that I can move away from food, anger, obsession (unless it's with writing...). I really like the time, once a month, when I can show up, hair bedraggled, and listen, share, and write with the group. It's really powerful. I should write a piece about it.

Anyway, it's something that I am looking forward to each month and it gives me hope regarding my life as a writer.

Also, I saw the movie The Secret. It's a bit like this other movie with new agey folks in it, but I don't mind the simplicity with which the folks spoke. I need to hear that I have the power to attract whatever I want in my life. The Law of Attraction is powerful and I can learn to use it to my benefit, rather than deficit.

On that tip, I have felt this gentle nudging to go to the studio. I've also felt a desire to work on stuff, various projects. Not being on sugar I think helps me be more aware to the times when it (my work/the studio) calls to me. At work, I spend more time reading and writing and web surfing than I do working. Yes, this is fun for a while, but I realize that underemployment may also be a problem. I don't necessarily WANT more work per se, but then I need to balance that out when I am not at work. The studio pops in my mind.
I do feel some sort of shame in wanting to make stuff. Mostly because I always want to move into the aspect of selling the stuff I make and then I am instantly overwhelmed and therefore do nothing. Our studio is great, but half of it is vacant (other tenants haven't been there in months, but they are supposed to be paying rent and if they are not, then fine. If they are, then we shouldn't take over their area). I am considering outside work to cover any additional payments we'd have if we took over the whole rent.
Part of me knows that fear is keeping me from moving forward into owning the whole space. What if it costs too much for us? What if we end up not being able to pay? What if????

The Law of Attraction comes into play here. I definitely don't live abundantly in that way. We are always "steps away" from poverty in my mind. ACK! The Law of Attraction isn't just for good people, or worthy people. It's for people who spend time each day seeing themselves attracting what they want: new green house, life free from fear, success with selling handmade items, etc. There is no limit to abundance. So of course I can have as much as I want! And especially, if it means that I am working happily and successfully in matters that mean something.
I have this job with SCBI because I wanted a job where I could be supported while I pursued my other more creative interests. Now's the time!
ACTION!

Friendship Through Blogs

2007-02-02T15:20:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of friends who blog. Okay, a lot, not accurate. Maybe a few.
In any case, we have slowed our communication from phone to IM to email to blog. I don't know what's happening to one friend unless I read her blog. I originally wanted to read it because it seemed like a good way to get to know her writing...and now, almost every time, I want to cry my eyes out after an entry.

Another friend writes really well, but his blogs are sporatic and when he is busy, I am left wanting. Most friends abandon their blogs after a while...maybe they feel like no one is listening. I am. I want to.

What happens to us? Where do we slip away to? The mind can hold so much...I guess I'd be afraid of unearthing it. But alas, I know that the darkness will remain dark until I shine a light. And it may not be pretty at first.
Doing any kind of moral inventory (I do it often in my mind) is hard work. But I also know that it weighs me down to know that I told an old boyfriend that I hoped that he would never know love in his life again. Wow. I was a hurt kid. I told another kid (also a former boyfriend) in my 6th grade class that I hoped he died of cancer, like my dad, and then promptly shoved him up against the lockers. Double wow. I lied to my family about being sexually abused. It's not considered 'omission' when it affects others, right? That's just lying. I stole money and just never talked about it to the person. I haven't paid people back. Countless times. It'll all come out in the process, line by line. I will have to look at the thing I have tried so hard to cover up. I might even have to look at pictures and read entries (my own homework, not the 12 steps) of myself so that I can get a good idea of who I was then. UGH. I'm only 29, but it seems like it could be a long list. I never stood up for my brother when my mom hit him and it wasn't his fault. I DID provoke him. And I didn't think he would get hit. I wouldn't play with my little brother several times when he was younger and I remember the heartbreak it caused him, and I am truly, truly sorry. I get my own medicine because sometimes now he doesn't have time for me. I wrote a nasty note about my stepdad, which was later found, photocopied, and maniacally placed around my room by my mother. I never asked for forgiveness around that. It's all coming.

I have been incognito for several days. Without Josh around, I tend to stop socializing. Or I socialize too much and I am sad that I petered away my alone time. But Josh is gone and I have no real desire to DO anything. I have been over-OA-ing it for a few days. I am eager to clean out my personal cobwebs and feel frustrated that I have not started. Another thing to leave before completion, I wonder? Maybe. Well, no. NO. I will do the 12 steps even if I am not an overeater, just an unconscious eater. I don't care if I AM an overeater...the label is not what I want, I want the relief. I want the connection to spirit. I want to not relate to my friend who hides her depression behind cute clothes, stylish shoes, amazing food, and a killer smile. I want to show people who I am, warts and all, and then get the fuck on with it. I don't want to move to Europe with a heavy bag. I want to go with a light backpack, taking only what will serve me. Literally and figuratively.

Probably no surprise to you, I am realizing that I really want to write about my life. I find it interesting. Sure, that's self-centered in a way. But take into consideration that I don't feel like I have been there for most of it. Having a stellar memory has almost made the memorizing of my life more important than my life itself. Ah. I know strange details about the past that are perfect for picking through...I just don't. Man, it seems dark in there.

I always laugh when I tell people about my "little habits" as a kid: getting up early to play by myself so I wouldn't be disturbed, buying MY OWN kitchen items because I didn't want to use my parents' stuff (it was messy or burnt or lost), having two imaginary friends that I mediated (this one is especially interesting...), feeling nostalgia for a stethescope my dad gave to me from a "friend" (which was really a doctor trying to save him from brain cancer). Oh there are more. So many more. It's like I am telling people about another kid. A weird kid. A kid who is obviously sad and lonely...not me! I wonder what it will be like to connect those things.
I am afraid to read the tombs of my life that I wrote just so I could read them again. I am afraid of finding out how long I have really been sleeping. I am afraid of being as sad as my friend.

I am afraid because I want there to be something on the other side of taking a moral inventory. I want to be able to say that there is some relief, forgiveness, lightening of the load. I simply want to be able to live life in the fucking PRESENT.

I won't write well until I can look at myself. I won't be able to have any kind of relationship with my future kids until I stare my past, my follies, straight in the face. I have to admit that I am only human, and that I will stay human. I have to admit that my humanity includes all kinds of mistakes. Until I go there, I won't ever get there.

I'm kind of depressing myself. I relate to my friend...we both like to hide. The other one likes to seek us out. We don't always like that, even though sometimes we crave it. I have other hiding friends.

6am Write

2007-01-31T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have a reminder on my daily calendar to write at 6am. I never do that. I barely get up at 6am, so why do I still keep it on my calendar? I like the reminder. Even if I don't do it everyday at 6am, I know that that part of me still exists. My writer, although not a full time worker, is always 'writing.' I know that writing is like bathing, tooth-brushing, and eating for me. I think about it all the time, I love it when I do it, and it brings me a comfort that nothing else can.

I met with the 'editor' and I'm going to hopefully do a local blurb for her (she's writing the national article). I'm into the idea of writing nationally. I really want to be a writer. There is a point where I will try to sabotage, but I have already agreed to let go at that point and let my guides, whoever they are, help me. I need to let writing enter the spiritual world, because it is a spiritual act and if I think I can control it, then I will be sad and unhappy...constantly pushing away the thing I crave.

As of late, I have been writing a lot regarding my physical life. I mentioned that I'm in OA and that I've started writing about my experiences. That has been an amazing tool. If you don't write or feel like a writer, I can only say that simply sitting down to handwrite or type your feelings, experiences, questions, etc is an invaluable tool. If you never look at it again, that's fine, because really, it's about bringing the thoughts, ideas, fears, out of your head and into the world to be dealt with. Truly amazing. OA is big on sponsorship and while I go through the painstaking process of finding a sponsor, I love that I can write for support. It's a bit solitary, but that's okay right now. In due time I will be all up in someone's grill, and they in mine, and until then, writing is good for me.

I have been getting paid higher amounts for my web content. While it still isn't a lot, it's good to get paid more than $5 for an article. I'm writing better articles too. More in-depth. :)

At this point I feel like I am in motion. Not like I am close to a destination, but I feel like several parts of my life and working and moving forward, versus spinning wheels or at a complete standstill. It's a nice feeling. It sure as hell isn't a familiar feeling. I believe it has to do with the lack of sugar and chocolate in my life. Every time I look at an alluring hot cocoa or cookie, I think, "Do I want to go back to a standstill? Or am I willing to give up the forward motion?" The answer is usually no. There are times when I get scared of the forward motion, but alas, it's all good, and I regain some sort of understanding that food is not where my life is at anymore. There's so much out there!

The Spirit of Writing

2007-01-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

I've written about this before but here's a different take.

I'm in Brussels right now, staying with a friend. I have no idea what really brought me to Europe other than my friend. She's a great person so that should be enough, eh? But there is something spiritual about this place. It's the same as love, I cannot describe it but being here just feels right.

Writing brings me to that place sometimes, but I need to reconnect with some of the physicality of spirituality, y'know? There is something that we grasp for in the spirit world that is accessed through the physical world. This is something I do a lot in Europe. What is it? I don't know. But I know that it fills my spiritual well to be here. I like that. There is something historical and ancestral about being here that I adore.

There is an element of my writing that really enjoys the background of Europe. It could be that I am outside my own daily life. It could be that I am surrounded by culture even if I am not looking for it. It could be the simplicity. Sure they have shops and things like we do. But we saw a doctor today after we called for a last minute appointment. We went to her office, which was not in a medical park, it was off the street. And she didn't have a receptionist. She just had a nice quaint office. Like it was normal! I love it. I love it. I can't help it. I won't help it! Living here may take away the quaintness of it, which might be necessary to keep me grounded, but man, I don't care. I want to live here to see what it's like daily.

Writing is the way I access the spirit and the Spirit is the way I access my writing. They go hand in hand and it's good. They feed each other. I can access Spirit here very easily. Is it possible at home? I must make it so. This is nice every once in a while, but it's an expensive spiritual habit. Perhaps I need to call to God more often when I sit down to write.
And I need to do more energy work to maintain the higher vibration. I must remember the higher vibration thing. It's necessary for me to progress through life.

Perhaps more later. It's good to be here though.

Published Again!

2007-01-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

Writing web content is strangely satisfying because it's almost instant gratification. I wrote a piece on How to Have a Green Valentine's Day. Click on the Associated Content link on the right side ---> and then look at my published pieces. It was a good article, I thought. Hopefully I will be able to use a few ideas for my own Valentine's Day which normally I hate, but my ideas made it a bit more exciting.

I've been in Brussels for the past few days. Although the weather has been stormy, I rather like it. There's something comforting about being here. Can't seem to put my finger on it. Maybe later tonight I'll sit and write about it. I really love it here. Even if I don't go out and don't speak the languages. The fact that there is history and new things is quite nice. The buildings are not excavated to make room for condos. The flats are really nice. I really like the way people live. It's usually quite simple, to be honest, and I like it.

I'm investigating sustainability for an editor in Seattle (did I mention this?) and although I am not getting the interviews I hoped for, I am still able to pay attention to the fact that sustainability is so different here. No one thinks they are sustainable and yet there they are with their front loading washer and dryer, minimal electrical appliances, lack of microwaves, recycling in the subway (!), and triple-glazed windows. Y'know, if that's all we did in the US, we'd be ahead of the sustainability game. I mean the whole US, not just Seattle, San Francisco and New York. So there's that. I'll write more later.
If I didn't mention this, I want to say now that I am talking to the editor of Conscious Choice and while there are no definites, there is ample possibility. I am eager to write more about the changes a few people can participate in so that it becomes trendy even. No big things have to happen. Just a few things here and there for each person. Better lights/lamps, less crap, more human interaction. I just love it here.

Anyway, more later, with proper time to go into detail. Must get some things down at some point.

Meditation in Our Step Out Into the Sun

2007-01-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Meditation huh?
Josh just recommended I read #10 in "As Bill Sees It" (an AA text for daily meditations).

"Constructive meditation is the first requirement for each new step in our spiritual growth."

I'm not sure what is exactly meant by "constructive meditation" but alas, it doesn't really matter, right? Time alone to sit with myself and be loving, gentle and observant seems like enough.

My first meeting was intense. I wasn't nervous until people started sharing and I noticed I was nodding and smiling in agreement. We read the first step and man! That was like "Hello, and welcome to this part of your life that you neglect!" I can see how easy it is to be in denial. Most people may not even know they are in denial. I didn't.

While I am almost certain (I'm afraid to be certain for sure!) that food has been a way to slow myself down, I don't want to turn this into my OA blog. I will link to it so that you can keep up to date but don't have to read my constant process update. I understand that it can be tiring to hear about each food I decided not to eat every day. :)

I am going to Brussels on Monday and I'm taking the laptop so that I may write to my heart's content about life in Europe and sustainability. It'll be interesting for sure.

Anyway, I am definitely interested in how different my life can be once I start looking at the shadows. Shedding light on the dark parts will probably give me more energy to deal with everyday stuff. I am looking forward to that.

Patience, My Friend

2007-01-09T07:41:00.000-08:00

I have to write about this because I recently saw the first DVD of Buckminster Fuller's "Lost Interviews." He says at one point that for the first 30 years or so of his life, people were telling him what to think. Then one day he realized that they were wrong. So he started to think for himself. He explained this process innocently and simply. He decided that other people didn't know his life better than he did so he started to think for himself. While I have always struggled with this idea, it was nice to hear one of my heroes mirror my sentiments. I have tried to listen to others many times throughout my life and finally, I have decided, in all matters, that listeninig to others only wastes time because I listen then I follow then I have to reconcile myself with something I may not (and usually don't) agree with and then I have to come back to myself. I could skip all the steps in between and immediately come back to myself and therefore save time.
What I'm getting at is that I'm going to call a friend/acquaintance this morning, who works for a magazine I'd like to write for, and we'll be discussing possible assignments.
Now, many people have been putting the pressure on me to write write write. And I love the support. But what I felt is that it was supposed to be MY power that published my writing.
Really, my writing is just my writing. I can hawk it to others, but it has to be a symbiotic relationship. That's a matter of timing.

But the timing isn't under my control. It's just the natural order of things. Busting down a door isn't always necessary to gain entry and I find that sometimes a casual knock will work just fine. I got my job that way. I found my husband that way. I met this editor that way. It's not that I can discard the natural order and impose my own willpower and the world will cater to me. I am learning that in many areas of my life now. All I can simply do is get myself to a place where I can see the opportunities when they come a 'knockin'.

So it's a big deal that this editor wants to talk to me. I'm stoked. It could be a break for me. It may show me some personal challenge. But ultimately, it's my next step.

I've been writing for the content website (check the link on this site!) and although I am told that they pay very little, I don't care. It's a way to start seeing the strands of energy connect value with my writing and that's good enough for me right now. It doesn't mean I don't want more, but I am okay with the first steps. Usually I get frustrated because I wonder why The New Yorker isn't calling me up, begging for my work. I forget that writers are an interesting bunch and it takes time to be discovered and at the same time, it takes time to develop my craft. I'm not ready for the New Yorker. I just got an office 3 months ago. I need the pacing to match me otherwise I will miss the miracle of process. I need process in my life. I enjoy it. I reflect on it. It's a good, helpful part of my life. So of course I won't be able to be discovered overnight. I don't like moving that fast.

Maybe it's in our thirties that we realize listening to other people isn't even necessary. I mean, their point of view for their life is great. Good stories, very revealing, etc. When it comes to my life though, it's best to try things out the way I am moved to. I feel as though I can avoid mistakes if I follow someone else's guidelines, but really, sometimes those are the mistakes I need to make, so following someone else simply shortcuts me out of my life experiences.

One thing I have been thinking about is having kids. There are all these people that have led lives in one way or another and they have good advice. But there are times when my heart has to say, "That's good for YOU, but I am looking for something else." It's hard. I feel a bit lonely when I hear myself say that. But at the same time, I know that if I don't heed myself, my heart, my Spirit, my Self, then I will be more sad and things will have to be corrected anyhow. And I was saved nothing.

The moral for me is to listen to myself. I have enough access to Universal Wisdom that I don't feel I will lead myself astray.

I'll be going to my first Overeaters Anon. meeting tonight. I'm a bit scared, but honestly, it's a good move for me. I am looking for some deep personal work to support the denied shadow aspects in my life. I feel as though it'll be good to start uncovering things that are starting to actively weigh me down. This goes along the same idea that if I listen to everyone and their special diets and try to follow along, then all will be well. I realize that while I may look good for a week or so, and feel better for a bit longer, that I will fall back into my patterns if I don't spend some time looking at the patterns. This is a process that only I can do. I can watch others, of course, but the work is all mine. Which I am thankful for. I've been in therapy enough to know that no matter how much you talk, words may not dig deep enough. And an hour a week is not enough time to devote to my spiritual well-being.

I've submitted a few pieces already to Associated Content while I write bigger things for other mags. If you have any topic ideas, feel free to pass them along. My passion is writing about green/sustainable things, but there's a huge range in that. I'm especially interested in writing about lifestyle changes in the green world. I love the simplicity movement but I know there can be a gap between the SUV driving, barely recycling, processed food buying folks and those that grind their own grains, breastfeed for 3+ years, and wear all biodegradable clothing. That's what I hope to write about soon!

Anyway, I just wanted to share those thoughts. I apologize that this blog is published so sporatically. I write two other blogs, as well as content and emails galore so hopefully you can understand.

See you next time!

Time Enough to Write

2006-12-07T17:17:00.000-08:00

There isn't much these days. Luckily, my holiday shopping will be sparce and I've done a lot of it. Our house is being loved up to entertain folks for our housewarming. Yay! I feel some creative energy sneaks through when I get to do stuff like that. It's not everyday, but it's good when it happens.
Did I mention that I started a writing group? Our second meeting is on Sunday and I am so excited. Although, I haven't really written the piece I wanted to write. It's in there though. It'll come out on Sunday morning, I'm sure. The group has grown to 8 people potentially and that feels good. I have been dying to write! I think we may have to do some homework or at least do stuff in between meetings. I need more exercises. I'm just happy to write.

I find that a lot of my creativity is coming out in dance class and in cooking. I spose I just need to be able to do many things so that the juice can flow however it wants to and doesn't have to wait for the right time. I am finding though that it would be nice to be able to sell some stuff right now. Clothes, housewares, etc. Just to have some extra cash. In any case, I am eager to just have a bit more dough for the credit cards. Not really wanting to clean houses, but sometimes I go there.

Got the piece I wrote on the Bush School published. Weird. I forgot all about that. I could do more stuff like that. Small stuff. It takes time but it's good for me to write stuff down.

Oh! Brazil was great. It was nice to be in the sun, even if most of the time, there was pollution between us. I still got burnt of course. I wonder what it's like not to put on sunscreen everyday. I must say that although I had a good time, I wasn't all that impressed. The traffic made an impression though. Warm, slow-moving people. Crazy language. We didn't do much else, which is fine by me, but it always makes the time a bit less enjoyable when there's nothing new learned. Mostly I learned about my own traveling habits and how they are changing. I think I feel less inclined to travel (the airport and plane rides are enough to keep me from going as often) than I used to. Josh's "great" job is no longer enticing in terms of travel. He likes it fine, but I'd rather go to the places that I want to be in, rather than simply travel because he is there. It's a weird thing. I think I just know what I enjoy and I like to keep going back.

I had fun with my friends Stan and Lauren though. It's always better with friends. I should have spent more time learning Portuguese. My bad.

The Next Adventure

2006-11-28T06:42:00.000-08:00

We're leaving Sao today for Sao Sabatioao (my goodness, I'll never get used to that!). We have a few last minute things hanging, but for the most part I'm ready to get out of the city. I don't think I can do the city thing any more. It's all weird to see commercialism so rampant. And oddly enough, it's my buying behaviors that encourage this. Well, not me, myself, but my habits. There is this strange paradox that exists. Sure, I like to live nicely, go to the spa, wear cute clothes, etc., but how do I live well and NOT consume the same way? I think the Green Festival helped me get a handle on what is necessary and what isn't. We can have compostable packaging and cute hemp/cotton/bamboo clothes. It's not that hard. But I need to commit more. Wearing clothes that I altered and not shopping at stores is a big deal. I went shopping here because I thought it would be fun/interesting and really, it was just as expensive, clothes just as imported. And recycling is the same. Should I buy stuff that can't be recycled? We realized that staying in hotels is not the best for long term business travel. Not being able to cook is really uncomfortable after a while. So much cheese, bread, sugar, meat, processing.

I saw a shirt that said "Kyoto Protocol." It was awesome. I think I might steal that idea. It's exactly where my mind goes. I'm excited about that. Anyway, I'm eager to go home and work on some clothes ideas, t-shirt ideas, etc.

In Brazil

2006-11-25T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in a hotel room, in Sao Paulo Brazil. I am typing contentedly, listening to music from home. There's no samba beat in the background, and no friendly hand clutching my arm, affirming my worth. Not right now, anyway.
But I didn't come here for that. I don't travel for the "me & you" experience. Because it has begun to feel like a commodity I pick up in the gift shop. I don't dare have that look in my eye when the skin colors change around me. "They" is a concept I have stamped in my passport and I don't like to think of myself that way. I used to worry that I wasn't consuming culture enough. Will my sunburnt skin get my off the hook. I "did" Brazil, see? My skin is proof. No one wants to know what my digestional track did, or how I felt not speaking the language. I hate it, now that I mention it. I feel like language is a huge part of a culture and although I am proficient in Spanish, I feel like I cheat people when I smile sheepishly, slightly ashamed of my paler skin and inabilityto ask for the bathroom, say excuse me when I pass, and affirm their existence with a squeeze of the arm. How I wish to squeeze and smile brilliantly, like it's the only currency I have. It should be the ONLY currency. Do you feel good? Then I will eat! What a different world it would be, right? A place I wouldn't recognize, I'm sure. How much do I rely on exclusionary competition? More than I want to admit, I'm sure.
But here I am in Brazil, overwhelmed with the edges of myself. Which is really why travel is nice. We can always learn about a culture in a more passive way, but here I learn about my OWN culture. How do I deal with compromise? Is it really compromise, or a simple stretching of my limits? They look so similar!
And what happens when I can't speak the language? I find that I have less to say. And talking doesn't become my primary way of communicating, listening does. And eye contact, or lack there of. And eating. I eat a lot more. Or at least I pay attention to it more. Where is my next meal? Do I want this in my body? I have a little conversation with my food as it goes in, letting it know my intentions and my concerns. Most times(if not all) I am reassured and I move forward. So far I have luckily (but is it luck?) averted any stomach issues. I keep to my carbs and juice staples and it's been fine. I must admit though, rarely do I feel concern regarding food. I already don't eat most sketchy food anyway. I don't always need a food experience to highlight what I enjoy about a culture. I learned that early on. :)
This trip has been surprisingly relaxed. We have spent a lot of it sleeping. I wonder if my hibernative desires are just enjoying the warmer weather and still going ahead as planned. Fine by me. I like winter for the "stay close to hearth" concept. In fact, I'm eager to create Hearth at home so that I don't suffer the consequences of a cold house during the cold months. It's nice to have the fire burning, so to speak. We've been told to keep the heat at 70 degrees. Growl.
It's weird to be here while Josh works. Not that it's bad, but it's closer than I have been to him in this way. He is constantly meeting, interacting, chatting, running into, and worrying about work things. It's his nature, of course, which I've known, but it's odd. Not like me. My work is private and although there are stories, I keep work at work. It's the case with Reiki, writing, law office, etc. I think I just like it separate.
I have been missing my more healer aspects, on this trip. I'm constantly keeping my crew's health in check, listening for the underlying issues: homesickness, ungroundedness, unrest, instability, poor digestion, minimal sleep, bad food choices. I came armed with the basics to survive mild situations and they have kept me healthy so far. But I have been wondering about more indepth work, when I get home. Classes are kind of expensive, but I am craving some depth, energy-wise. I learned from LRZ and Stan that my lymphnodes are needing some love. I need to get back to more massage when I get home. I need to really commit to more of a spiritual relationship to my body. The dance classes are great, but I don't think 4 times a week is necessary if I can get some regular energy and/or body work. I think I just want to take the extra money I have left over to really care for myself. Once a month is good for now. I don't need to go overboard, but a bit of care goes a long way. In a similar vein, more education or practice or depth in energy work methods seems attractive to me. I'm just interested in getting back to Reiki. Playing with the pendulum and dowsing rods and just perceiving energy is such an intense calling. When I am asked about it, I feel an uplifting in my body, I feel a sense of clarity, etc. When I'm asked to do Reiki, there is a ray of clarity that allows me to do it very easily, without fanfare, and I slip into my own wisdom and the wisdom of the universe without thinking about it. I want more of that.
That's why I travel. To hear myself think and sense my feelings. They lie dormant when I am worried about catching buses and paying bills (is this a cliche? I wonder how much I think about bills)

Process? What Process?

2006-11-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

Oh! The one where I pay attention to the life I want to create and then that specific focus creates it!
Well, I am on my way to Brazil today, how's that for creating?
Josh is working (a lot) down there at present and my friends and I will meet him for Turkey Day (where we will probably stuff ourselves with various things non-American).
I am eager to be traveling again...I know I travel a lot it seems, but honestly, when it's one of the only things that consistently makes me happy, can you blame me? There's talk of more travel in January. I look forward to it. I thrive on it.

Our Last Day at Lock Vista

2006-10-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

As I've written before, place is very important in my life. And today is the last day in *this* place. We've been slowly moving the whole week (it's much easier for me to move slowly) and I've been saying goodbye with each load brought to the new place.
I won't miss much physically. The apartment is cute, for sure, but the experiences are far more memorable. I've changed SO much in that apartment. I remember leaving a friend's car one night in a heap of tears because I thought I was going to be single for the rest of my life.
I remember the day I changed my apartment around, bought a new couch and met new people 24 hours later. I remember when Dave spent two months sleeping on a bed in the living room and we watched Fear Factor, drank gatorade, and compared our parking trials. I stopped talking to a few friends at one point. I quit my final school. I graduated from college. I got a real job with a paycheck! I lived in Scotland. I got engaged. I got married. I got a better real job. All in 4 years.
Place provides a good container for life, an easy way to mark change. It holds imagery and memory well. I am excited to live somewhere new and see what experiences that place will hold.
When I moved into Lock Vista, all I knew was that I wanted a place that would let me grow. And grow I did. In this new place in Greenwood I'm setting an intention to develop my writing life. With a whole room dedicated to quiet, clear communication, and spiritual connection, I intend to have a writing routine, publish, and commit to using writing as a healing tool.
I went through some boxes from my high school days and got rid of a lot of crap that I'd been hanging on to for no real reason. Clearing the clutter out, simplifying my files, and creating a sacred space will really help me out.
My writing life has been a long one, but not necessarily an intentional one. I've taken MANY classes and yet once I write something I almost never look at it again. Not that I need to look at everything, but maybe some revisions or at least some organization would help. I look forward to being able to catalog some history. I plan to create a chronological anthology of my best work through the years. It's interesting stuff for sure.
The studio in Fremont will stay as a work space and not as a writing studio...I'll be able to keep writing at home, where I feel inspired and safe and the studio can be covered in crap, paint, and other things and I won't have to worry about writing in a messy place ( I can't seem to write in mess).
Another thing about place has to do with taking space energetically. While I am still very much in favor of not having a room for each activity in a house, I do recognize that consecrating spaces for specific things allows the energy of that thing (let's use writing as an example) to stay there and grow, collect, etc. Of course I'm not looking for a personal library with engraved pens (although, not a bad idea) and parchment paper but, if my writing could be personified for a moment, it might be nice to know that writing is done in a special place at a special time and it can come to that place to settle and get creative. I like that idea. My writing does not have to put on hold or set aside for "free time," which I rarely have. It can go to the writing room, and wait patiently til I set my tea down and begin. I can create a playlist for inspiring music, have a nice chair to read in, and hang pieces up that I am proud of. This all seems glaringly obvious to me NOW but I have to admit that I didn't really give my writing this kind of attention before. Which is why I don't do it too much. All things creative are not equal in my life. I love to play with textiles and paint furniture, but I've been treating writing as a similar hobby and it's not. I have an amazing job that lets me work only in the afternoon and I really want to use my mornings to write (and submit!).
Another exciting part of this new place that we're living in is that it's big enough to entertain people. We've crammed groups into the small apt, but this time we can have a place where more than 3 people can sit comfortably, and we don't have to share the space with a table, an office, a hallway and all of our worldly possesions. Very exciting. Our kitchen is also big enough to cook in, versus throw together meals. Now I can be in there WITH Josh and that's great because we do well as a team, especially if we have room to work. I used to cook a lot more when I lived with roommates but the kitchen at Lock Vista was just not big enough. Only one or two shelves for food, barely enough room for all the baking/cooking equipment, and then almost no counter space (we had a dishrack because there was no dishwasher and that takes up half the space!). So things will be a bit different now. Cooking and hosting are a big part of making our home a home and I can't wait to set the place up.

I've put my Reiki practice on hold as well for various reasons. When it just wasn't feeling right I took the shingle down and went on to other things (constant employment). Since I've stopped I've only seen one or two people and I've been missing more energetic work. I'm not sure where it will fit, but I am welcoming energy work back into my life because although I wasn't the best at marketing, I did really enjoy it. Our downstairs is big enough that I can create a nice practice space (or at least a transformable space) so that I can go back to see friends and family. I'm even going to buy my own table!

So I have high hopes for this house. I have good relationships with the places I live (a few hiccups in the past not included) and I think this will be a great experience. I'm going to start a new blog (Blue House Blog) so I can document our changes, improvements, and anything house related. I also plan to strengthen my relationship with this house through my writing. Stranger things have happened.

That's all for now. I'm going to set up the new blog. I'm excited.

On Our Way

2006-10-10T08:08:00.001-07:00

In a very short amount of time (thanks guides!) we found our new place to live. We're signing the lease today and will start to move in shortly afterward. We've already set up to have our phone and computer switched (a few days lag time will be okay), we're in the process of packing (it's a bit chaotic, but fortunately we'll have time to move instead of all in one day. I like that kind of moving. Losing money for living in two places at once is fine by me. The stress can be overwhelming when it's one day of moving.
So we've printed up our termination agreement and we will officially be out by Oct 22nd. I'll spend the following week cleaning and be done with Lock Vista by Oct 26th. Wahoo! Anyway, it feels good to be leaving finally. Our new place is much bigger, has a W/D (I am surprised about how much this swayed my decision), has a loud bright color (aqua, we're told), carport parking (inlcuded!), a nice patio, a basement for our rec room, and an open kitchen. It's great fun. It'll be nice to have space and get to know a new area. We're still on three bus lines, I can still get to work within an hour, and we're closer so a few friends (sorry, we're farther from a few now too).

I'm happy it's gone so flawlessly. That's what happens when my second chakra is open. Wedding, job, new house, seemlessly flowing. I know I should feel overwhelmed, and I am a bit, but mostly, it feels good to have some positive flow. I feel ready for good things to happen. In the new place we get to have an office and it will be pristine and clutter free and NOT in our living room.
There is also the possibility that I go back to doing Reiki with friends and family on the side (the rec room will double as practice space) and that's good for me too. I realize that even though I don't want a full blown practice at this point, I really like practicing Reiki and I really want to develop my skills as a healing practitioner. I know there is a lot more to learn and I am still really interested in that.

My job is still a lot of fun (after 6 days!) and even the little dramatic moments are entertaining. I don't take things too seriously, as only so much is in my power. Thank goodness. My co-workers are great and it's really nice to coast in at 1pm, work for four hours and then leave at 5pm. I also don't sit around too much either, which feels good. Busy, busy. It's just challenging enough to be learning new things each day.

So it's all in motion and luckily, it's not moving too fast for me. That's what I like, a flow I can keep up with. It must be right! We're excited to be able to entertain people and host them. We'll have a bed for guests and a space to eat AND sit and talk. It's an open layout but there's enough room for everything. Plus, having our tv downstairs REALLY excites me. We'll get to make that place a real den and make it nice and cozy. It's also big enough for people to BE in, versus just a place where chairs can be set up. It'll be really great. I can't wait. Our shit is all over the apartment now, but we'll move it a bunch at a time and then we'll do a big move on the 21st. YAY!
Anyway, I just wanted to share that because I am very excited to move. I've been in this apt for 4 years now and it's time to live in a new place!

The Place I Grew Up In

2006-10-04T07:27:00.001-07:00

When I think of growing up in certain places, it's mostly a childhood thing. I remember birthdays, adolescence, the movement from a shared room to a room just for me and then to a room upstairs, away from my parents. But even though my childhood is long gone, I still notice that I am growing up in places I live.
We're about to move away from our apartment in Ballard. I've lived here since August 2002 and it has been as eventful as some of my teenage years.
I had an intention when I moved: I wanted a place that would let me grow and change and help me to expand myself. I had no idea what that would entail, but four years later I can say that I have done just that.
I moved in as a student in art school. I finally had a place that didn't sap the creative energy away from me when I got there. It had wood floors, nice light, a big enough kitchen, and a bedroom that only needed to house a bed. The bathroom was classic and small enough to clean with ease. My neighbors (most of which are still here) provided ample entertainment between their march to the garbage, occasional angry outbursts, and odd conversations around the building.
I live walking distance from the heart of Ballard where food, shopping, and nightlife are only increasing. I've watched as delapidated buildings get extreme makeovers and become hot night spots. I've seen what seemed to be the essence of the old gritty Ballard be knocked down to make way for expensive condos and new lifestyles.
None of it goes unnoticed. I observe the changes outside and feel similar ones inside.
This apartment has seen me in my most single, introverted time and encouraged me to break out and allow more people into my life, one of them being my husband Josh. I switched schools one last time (without having to move) and finally graduated with a BA degree. I found myself in these 575 sq ft. I realized that love was less romantic and idealistic and more everyday and routine and I preferred it that way. I even learned that it can be both.
When I lived alone the first time, I wanted to stay alone. I never answered the phone, I ate too simply (no one could comment on it because I didn't invite them over), I spent hours a day walking, I had minimal work.
But in this sacred place, I became the person I love. With painted furniture and art on the walls, I could come home and see myself and feel comforted by that. If I had a bad day, I walked over the threshold of B106 and it all went away.
I invited people to my apartment without shame. I was proud of my place. With help I turned a single person's pad into a home. With a new couch and a few chairs to sit at the table, I could entertain. Welcoming new energy into my home was the beginning of a new life. I had a few dates come over, but when Josh spent the night the first time, I felt that something was shifting again. I realized that I would share this home with someone more permanently.
I had a few guests before that. My brother David had a bed behind the couch. While certainly not that private, it was nice to share my space with him. When I left to go to Scotland, I was sad to leave my roommate. But shortly after I got back and Josh and I realized we were in it for the long haul, this crucible for growth welcomed both of us in. Our huge lives were joining in this small apartment. We had an office in the living room and a tv in the dining room and our workspace was in the middle of it all. No place to run, no place to hide. We could go into the bedroom but eventually we had to share it again. The bathroom was no place for a conference and yet there were times when we both had to brush our teeth. The kitchen became a hazardous work environment for two so only one worked in there at a time.
I lost some of myself when it was the two of us. I stopped cooking as much (to be fair, I was on the decline anyway). I slept more because it was just me in my dreams. I went back to seeking alone time. It's not about my relationship, but more about the space.
We've outgrown this hardwood floor, tile bathroom, double paned windowed respite from the world. Josh and I are looking to expand our lives, our family, our own space. I have learned what is important to me. I know that artistic living cannot be avoided but if I can't have more than three people over, I will be sad. I can feel that material energy feels less inspiring than human energy. I am in no rush to go out and buy more things to fill a bigger house, unless it can help me be a better host and homemaker. I love being a homemaker. I love the feeling of sleeping on clean sheets, eating a meal cooked with love, bathing in a sparkling clean bathroom. I can't wait to host sleepovers and game nights and five-course meals.
This apartment has given me strength to ask the universe for what I want and then stand confidently and graciously while I receive it. It has given me the gift of interaction, normally a fear that kept me from moving out of myself and into the lives of others. It has shown me my weaknesses and never abadoned me while I built them into strengths. It has constantly asked me for the truth of myself, especially when I tried to hide it from others.
These walls DO talk. They tell me everyday that my visions and dreams can become real. They whisper, "Go ahead and try it," when I am skeptical. They console me when I am beside myself with immobility and fear. These are more than walls, they are my womb when I need nourishment and protection. They are my blank canvas when I feel inspired and creative. They are my boundaries when I have forgotten my own. They are my friends when I'm having a party.
I am sad to leave this place. It is necessary of course, but I am careful not to forsake the power of this home in my life. Even if it's got the same floorplan of several other units and when I leave it will be stripped of my personal touches and unique additions. I adore this apartment and all its flavor. The metal cabinets, tiny closets, bland paint color which I never painted over. I am excited for the next home but will always have a special place in my heart for B106.

The Smell of Fall

2006-10-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

I know it's Fall when the air starts to fill with wood fires, apple cider, and the leaves become fractals of color as they bid farewell to the summer.

It's dark out again. I wonder if that's just a good time for me to write. I just love the mornings before the world has had its coffee. I'm excited to get back to writing in the morning. I have missed it since the wedding prep got so intense. For a while there I simply needed sleep and lack of stimulation just to balance out all the extroverted behavior. I just realized that I am a cusp-er in many things: astrology, Meyer's Briggs, Ayurveda. It's just that I like both sides. In the Fall I love to begin the process of hunkering down, getting quieter, preparing for the cold months and in the Summer I love to wake up early, wear bright clothes, eat lots of fruit. I like them equally. They each have benefits.

We're preparing to move this month, which is already upon us. We need to expand a little and embrace married life. Everyone asks do I feel different now that I am married. Yes. Most certainly. I feel more mature. I feel as though now not only will I be taken seriously, but I can take myself more seriously. Often, this is not something I need, because I take myself plenty seriously, but I mean it differently. I feel now that I have become more powerful, that I stand out more, that what I do matters more. For instance, I can look at clothes in my closet and say, "I can't wear that anymore. I don't FEEL married in it." I know it may sound strange, but I feel a much stronger sense of pride in my relationship, in myself and in my husband. We are a team and we can change the world. I've always wanted that. I've thought long and hard about what I gain from being married, and besides the obvious, I really feel it presents this change in power. Like our rings are inscribed: From their united being, a single brighter light goes forth. I *feel* that now. It's pretty sweet.
And because the light is SO bright now, we have to move out of our small, 1 bedroom apartment. We need just a bit more space. Plus, we need to create a more sacred intention about buying land and building our fab pre-fab. Our house is constantly messy now, no amount of storage units can hold what we need/want. I want to invite people over again, I want to have guests spend the night, I want to drag my compost outside, rather than to a friend's house. :S

So we're hunting for a place to move into before November 1st so we don't have to rush at the last minute. We both HATE to move. So that's a big deal and a big change, but a necessary one. Lots of things are in motion now.

I went to my first official day of work yesterday. I took notes about things I didn't understand, I said hello to my co-workers...it's all very exciting. Oddly enough, I have done probably more legal work than anything (SBUX) so although I would NEVER have thought I'd end up here, I guess it's not THAT weird considering how much I've enjoyed working with the legal stuff. It's interesting. Not that the boring stuff is interesting, but I guess I find the subject matter to be interesting and it feels good to to be proud of where I work.
I get an office and an extension and ergonomic furniture. Sweet! And I get paid!

But most of all, I have time to write and create, which is what I want. I want to be able to get into a routine so that I don't just fart away my morning before I head out to work. Technically, I work full time but I need to actually put in those hours in the morning with writing. Josh said he'll push me to write even though I also want to make some clothes. Just for side cash. Anyway, I should go and work on something now.

Employment

2006-09-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

After a great wedding and honeymoon we're back to our regular (but now married) life. Except for the fact that I am now employed! The law firm that I've been temping for off and on has hired me PT, 20 hrs a week, M-F for a handsome pay and it was an offer I couldn't refuse. It'll still let me write in the morning (my main goal) and I really love working there. The people really like me and I really like them. It's great fun. So starting next week, I'll be employed.

It's a real blessing since I was about to start looking for work when we got back and I wanted a job with the exact ramification that I've been offered. It gives me some structure, but allows me to work on clothing or writing as well. Very exciting.

I'll also start the two writing projects I've been thinking about and now there won't be the pressure of making money right away to cause any panic. Very cool. That's all for today...I have more to update but I'll do it later.

Honeymoon and Wedding!

2006-09-17T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's all over and yet, it's all just beginning. I'm on my honeymoon, the majority of it is already over and it's only been a week since I got married to Josh. Can't believe it's been over for a week already...it felt like it was never going to happen! Well, we're out on the California coast, enjoying nature. We are not, however, enjoying the bad food, mediocre massages, and frayed bathrobes that have been advertised. I should speak for myself. Josh thinks it's all the cat's pajamas (he dislikes the food though). I had a nasty cold for a few days. My head was full of snot and ache-y-ness. Looking around hurt. So I slept the first couple of days and stared at people blankly. Now I still stare a bit blankly (some things just leave me dumbfounded), but at least my face is back to its original color and I'm feeling better about hiking. Although I notice I just lost signal from the wireless provider! Drat!

But first, the wedding. A MAZ ING. Probably the best wedding I have been to. I think all brides and grooms think this about their own wedding. But many people told us that it was the best wedding they had been too and I think it was because it was such a large community effort. So many people made it this awesome experience. We had tons of our closest friends and family kick it into high gear. Michael and Selena were AWESOME registrars, Luke and Kate made awesome signs and made sure the whole place looked fabulous, Aaron took care of all things Audio and Visual, Elise held the clipboard and whistle to keep everyone in line, Stan took a ton of pictures and kept things running smoothly, Lauren made sure not to leave me alone too much and help make me up to look beautiful for the dinner, Tristen was always around to be in good spirits (even when things were a bit touch and go), Taylor held space and helped me ground when I started to float away, my family was awesome, Josh’s family was awesome, and our friends who came for the ceremony were so nice to see and share time with!
The weekend was awesome and the ceremony was heart blowing! The Quaker ceremony was the pinnacle. So many people stood and shared and their heartfelt words were so moving! Ricardo stood and offered the story of his first paycheck going to pay for a ET doll that I so desparately wanted. I practically sobbed my eyes out. And my oldest friends stood as well and to see them and hear them reaffirm our commitment was great. There really aren’t words that can categorically describe and praise the event. Then we lit candles and everyone lined up so we could walk through them on our way to the Jewish ceremony. It was beautiful! The Jewish ceremony was short and sweet and we read our vows and Josh stomped the glass. It was really a nice ceremony. Rabbi Michael was a hit (we had no doubts about that though). Then we went off to a chilly yichud, guarded by Stan. It was great. People were so amazing. We went to change into our matching track suits (since we’d become a married couple) and Stan and Aaron did an amazing job of getting the laptop, setting it up, queuing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in about 15 minutes (with no prior knowledge that they had to do this). We ran in and danced our first song to Eye of the Tiger complete with air punches and speedbag punches. It was so awesome!
Of course there were some major misses, but no one knew and we didn’t care eventually. It’s hard to plan events like this! I know why they have rehearsals!
The food was great too. Our friends Dylan and Kurt, as well as several other folks for other meals, did a great job of getting lots of food out and filling many bellies.

I can’t wait to see pictures. I wanted them to be downloaded right there, but that was another miss…too many things for AV to deal with!

I’d do a few things differently next time but luckily, there won’t be a next time. I hope we still have friends after THIS event!

Our honeymoon has been nice. We had a great first few days in Seattle. The hotel rocked. We seemed to hit the accommodations in descending order, from nicest to less nice. It’s been okay though because they’ve all had their high points. San Francisco was nice, if not a bit overwhelming. Lots of places to eat and hang out. We’re thankful for the recommendations from our friends.

What have I learned?

That just because we’re on our honeymoon and we’re finally married, we’re still human and we’re on the vacation too…my demons still surface and my fears come along for the ride. Overpacking doesn’t crowd them out, to my dismay.

Do a search for reviews of places you’re going to stay if that’s a big deal. If it’s not a big deal, and you like surprises, then have no fear, there will be lots of surprises.

If internet is a big deal, call ahead and make sure about what’s provided. We read that internet was “everywhere” and it’s not. Wireless connections have been weak.

Make sure your basic needs (food, sleep, health) are NOT compromised. I do this often. It’s a good reminder for marriage. I so easily let my preferences become second on the list and then I end up getting sick, or having a bad time. If I can keep that from happening, then all parties will have a better time. Josh prefers good attitude over his good time. Otherwise, I’m a pain.

Although somewhat delicious at times, Parisian cuisine is too meaty and cheesy for me. It’s okay to not each French. Just because I don’t like meat and cheese doesn’t mean I have bad taste in food.

Relaxing is less about lots of sleep and lots of food and more about unwinding, talking things out, being able to write, and listening to my heart.

I get sick when I don’t listen to myself and when I don’t speak up.

Overall, life keeps going and lessons keep popping up. I have a few things I wish I could’ve done differently regarding the wedding and then the honeymoon, but then again, I think I will just note this stuff and try again another time. Perfection never tells a good story.

No sense in beating myself up over anything. It’s all in the past now.

The Countdown and Trust

2006-08-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Double title. Lots is happening and I figure why not write about both things?
In one week, I'll be debarking the Anacortes Ferry toward my destination: Moran State Park.
I'll begin my preparations for our three day wedding. I'll probably be broken out, highly energetic, and unable to eat. Josh will be beside me, probably in 'execute' mode, a mode he operates in very comfortably. I will be a bit frantic and hectic and excited. I will speak fast and be entertaining (it's a strange place when I get a rush from entertaining)

Until that time I am pursuing my more creative endeavors. I have a few sacred items to finish. The rest of the details seem to be fading away and I am happy for it. I am tired of details. I am a detailed person, no doubt, but this past year has been a plethora of details, and I will be happy to stare into nothingness for two weeks. (I probably won't do that for more than a day, but it will be a good day).
Some things I've been feeling/processing in the past few weeks:

FEAR-This is not a fear of being married or leaving my family or anything profound. It's simply fear. Apparently, it's a fear of ruin, of making a mistake. Now, you might be wondering, "Doesn't that relate to marriage?" Normally, I would say yes, if I never felt this kind of fear prior to this. But I do. I fear ruin all the time. It's like the color of my eyes or my fingerprints. I just thought it was a part of me? Doesn't everyone fear ruin? Who likes to be ruined? No one. Only they probably don't calculate EVERY move based on the fear. I do. I did. But the fearful state is exhausting. While I am calculating every move, taking in many environmental situations simultaneously, I'm living an incredibly serious, methodical, non-spontaneous life. Which I have designed to look like fun (although, most intuitive friends will kindly let me know I do not fool them). Sure, I engage in tickling and watching comedy and laughing at funny jokes. But it's not the same. I admit, it's not that fun. I have to WORK at fun. In fact, I usually calculate how much fun is appropriate and not juvenile. I try to not have more fun than the average working person (just so I don't seem like I am bragging when my day goes well, every day). I figure out how much fun will cost. How much time fun will take. Who will have the fun with me. My hands are tired even now simply recounting it all. FUN. I'M HAVING FUN.
Not really.

LIFE PURPOSE. If you have spoken to me in the last week or the last 29 years, you'll know this is always a sticking point. 'My god, woman, get a job and be done with it!"
It's never that easy (at least I never let it be) and I have been struggling with this since I knew it could be a struggle. (All of this was illuminated during a Reiki session this past week). But while I try to 'craft' my life, I am missing out on my life. I am only choosing the safest, most rational path...and the Source, the Universe, and God all know that there is a lot more available out there than what I have calculated.
It doesn't have to be that hard, nor that complicated, and it doesn't need to be pre-approved by the bank. What makes me happy? What inspires me? I don't have to know right away, but I have to be willing to listen. Craigslist does not offer the perfect job, if I am not looking for it. If I am looking for 'good enough' or 'struggle' or 'complacency' then I can always find it. And also, craigslist is not the only way God can talk to us (I know, this may be shocking to some folks). Inspiration can come in an instant. I don't have to wait 4-6 weeks. Or after I 'pay my dues' (consequently, when does one know when one has paid said dues?).

COMMUNITY
I've just been thinking about it a lot. And my upcoming partnership. And kids in the future. And a house/home where I feel at peace.

How does this all relate?
I had a great energy session a few days ago. As usual, my second chakra (read here http://www.iloveulove.com/spirituality/hindu/chakrasvadhisthana.htm ) is depleted. I don't trust. I'm not nuturing my creative, intuitive self. I'm actually willing myself to be creative (and failing miserably, actually) and thus, not listening to the Source, the world around me, or any guidance. My sensuality has been a bit vacant. I'm calculating not sensing. I tend to do that. It tends to tire me out.
Until this energy session, I have simply put any still quiet voice on mute so that I can carry on with my life. Because I saw spirituality and connection to Source as a hobby, I rarely entertained any practice. I know it's more like food. I will become cranky, irritable, spacey, and desperate if I ignore my connection to Source. I NEED the connection. It gives me vitality, shows me the path of least resistance, validates my happiness and intuition, gives me peace. I need it all the time. Just like I need to eat when I am both calm and stressed. I need that connection not just when I feel like a good Ohm in my quiet apartment, but also when I am running around crazy, preparing for my wedding. And my honeymoon. And my career. And my life. And buying a house. Having a baby. Getting a dog. Saying hello to Josh. Writing my blog. I need it all the time.
And this leads me to TRUST.
A word I don't really use often. In fact, I rarely entertain the idea for myself, although I have heard the word uttered from my mouth and encouraged for other people. Trust. Trust. Trust. I can trust only when I know what I am trusting (thus, completely negating it). I trust my own knowledge. I trust God sometimes, but only when it's convenient. I hear guidance and feel moved to act, but I always need a cross-reference, a second (or third) opinion, and I need to check it against common experience (which is almost always never something I enjoy or really pay attention to).

What happens when I don't trust?

Well, nothing. I get so bogged down by shoulds and coulds that I end up sleeping in more, going to bed early, not writing, not calling, and not acting. I second guess every thought, idea, inspiration. I check it against what I see in the world. I get depressed. I eat more. Every suggestion or helpful friend gets a lethargic and frustrated smile. Some are lucky enough to get tears (which is a sign of relief, and yet sometimes it's just a stalling technique). I stop listening to myself, which is the worst offense. I forget that I have infinite wisdom. I forget that the Source provides. That I am a spiritual person. That happiness is mine without any struggle. It's a shame.

Why am I telling you this?

I'm telling ME this. If you want some inspiration to act, you can watch my process unfold and see where it reflects your life. Maybe your second chakra is depleted too. The point is that I'm not telling you this so I can feel good about passing on some advice. I know I do that when I don't want to look at myself. But I am sharing this with you so that I can stop being right all the time. So I can stop controlling myself into a dark room with no people. So I can blow the whistle on the pretense I think no one can see (Who am I fooling?). I want to unwind. I want to go back to healing but I don't want to fear making a mistake when I do it. I want to sit quietly and allow. It won't hurt me. In fact, it could be the best medicine I have available to myself.

I am eager to get married and listen to the Source.

I'm happy to be writing.

Friends Indeed

2006-08-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful to have such supportive friends and family. I had my farewell to maidenhood party last weekend and the girls all made me several pages of inspiration for my writing. It was really great. I haven't read them all yet, they will be bound into a book for me to read and get inspiration from. Very cool.

The weekend went perfectly. I had no expectations (no hints were given) and it was nice not to be in control. Challenging at times (I wanted to pick up dishes and kept deferring to everyone regarding decisions) but nice to be able to actually let go. We had yummy food (morrocan deliciousness and middle eastern, all from scratch, lunch), we made pages (I made a few pages for myself) for the book, then we went to paint pottery to bring back the idea of getting china for your wedding...I picked out a really easy glaze pattern (which we managed to screw up via the wrong layering of glaze) and I got two sushi plates, a charger, two seder holder things, and a bowl. It was all really nice. I loved it! We had the place to ourselves for the most part and despite the insecure, incompetent helper, it was great fun. I was happy to get some things that I'd be able to use. They sort of match our plates, even.

Then everyone split up and I went with Elise to her house and while she made dinner, I took a nap. Sometimes too much activity can be overwhelming (wait til the wedding, I remind myself) and that was GREAT. Then everyone got back together and we enjoyed an amazing meal cooked by Elise. All the while we were sharing stories, laughing, and I was actually relaxed.

Then we talked some more and Layla gave me an arm massage...whoa. So nice. It's great when my friends pamper me...it's a lot more powerful than simply going to a massage therapist and paying for the rub...friends bring a personal energy that I really value. Lauren rubbed my feet and legs and then gave me a pedicure. It was fabulous. I will remember to do that for my other friends as they celebrate special days.

We didn't go to sleep until about 3am and then at 7:15am I was wide awake again. The guys came over and made an amazing breakfast and we shared how our weekend went. It was truly the exact thing I wanted.

On a deeper level, during the grace over food that Elise did, I got a taste of the actual transition I am making in my life. Planning a wedding takes the spirit of it away a little as I get bogged down with details fairly easily. But when Elise asked God to guide me through this change in my life, I grounded and realized that this big move comes slowly and subtly but, make no mistake, is quite a big move in my life.

Being mostly independent for my whole life has made me get out of habit with regards to considering other people in my decisions, listening to others without judging, and truly seeing that another person may have a completely different view of life and yet it is just as legitimate as mine. Also, when I flip out and Josh wants to help, I need to let him sometimes. When I am going on about whatever and I am offered a respite, a moment to reflect, or a way to move through it, I am learning to take it, rather than push it away out of pride or anger or apathy. It's hard to learn those lessons. My upcoming marriage to Josh will provide many things I have not thought of or believed I would be able to get. I am joining a team that by definition is stronger than the individual. Choices and decisions, while they are still mine in many ways, now affect my new family. Things that took precedence before are changing their place in the priority order. A bit of grace goes a long way and it's strange to start learning humility and compassion not because it serves me, but because it serves the larger community I am joining and creating.

Seeing all our friends wish us well in our marriage this weekend, made me think harder about living in Europe. While I still want to birth our children there, I am less inclined to want to move permanently (the desire and the reality have always conflicted and this is a case where I can't just do what I want, when I want). Now I want to be there to have my kids, but I want to come home so that my kids know their family, biological and chosen. To be gifted with such supportive friends and family is the biggest gift of life and a village will truly help raise our children.

Commitment is a strange thing. It's not just a commitment to external, tangible things, either. It's a desire to let souls connect, hearts melt, and to feel truly connected, especially in times of pain and loss. It's easy to love your friends and family when you're having a good time and it's all going right...but the test is when you're feeling like shit and you can't get out of bed and you want to sit and eat all day...if you can still go to your friends, or they can come to you in those times, then you've got it made. And if those are the requirements, I got a good thing going.

I have one friend who lives in SF and I really miss her. But when I miss her, I call her now. I tell her stupid stories about nothing and I tell her when I am doing important things just to hear her supportive words or share the moment. And another friend lives in NC and I write her paper letters. I haven't done that in years, but we've been doing it for about a year and it's been great. I get physical, nostalgia-producing, love letters. Amazing. So distance doesn't mean a thing. It's an obstacle that can be overcome. So I am rethinking my Europe plan, trying to figure out how to visit more instead of move there...I go back and forth, but I want to pay attention to the shift I am going through regarding settling down, and committing to a community of loving friends and family.

Wedding Zombie

2006-08-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm in wedding mode full time and I have not really been processing much of anything. It's strange and uncomfortable to say the least. Even when I talk with Josh, I'm a bit out of it. He tries to pull me back down to earth, but sometimes that doesn't even work. It's time to get all the last minute things done as we don't really have a last minute so to speak...they just all have to be done. Yikes. I'm working as well, so that's a bit much at times. Although, I'll bring my laptop tomorrow and see if I can get more things done that way. Ha ha!
If I had any energy to write about all of this (other than blog) I would. It's a trip, for sure. I see why people elope. I mean, I wouldn't do it but I can see the attraction.

I have to start scheduling the completion of many things so that I don't leave them for all at once. I've been known to do that. Although all simple tasks, it's hard to hold all the details in my head. It's not a bride thing either. It's a Becca thing. I do this for some reason. Always gotta have my hand in everything. GRR. Well, it'll all be over soon enough. I hope I remember to do laundry.

Writing Vows

2006-08-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had a big writing assignment last weekend. Writing my vows for our wedding. I won't go into details because the surprise would be ruined for Josh but it was an interesting experience. Writing something short and concise and yet saying the most fundamental things in regards to our future lives together. Tall order. My second draft seems to be good. It brings tears so that's a good sign. I'm a bit overwhelmed with details at the moment so I'm in "complete task" mode and I'm sure once I am in front of a lot of people, I will lose it completely, to my utter delight. I like expressing emotion.
This is a rare day when I get to write for as long as I want. I'm not cleaning today (three more cleaning days left!) and I'm trying not to only do things for the wedding in my 'free' time. I watched a lot of movies yesterday when I got home (after having found out that my dress is a bit too big now). I have to take care of me sometimes.

I'm easily forgetting the Spirit in my life again. A lot of decisions are getting made and being processed and I have no connection to a higher power. Which points to the fact that I need to simplify. It's easy to lose myself when there is too much to do, very little time and no checkpoints to take a moment and get present.

Josh and I have begun the process of building a house. Now that process is long, and full of challenges, and there has to be many opportunities for Spirit to be included. It's too much to be making huge decisions right before we get married so we've begun the discussions about which huge decisions are on the table. I think there is a lot of "settle down" energy coming up for me which is new, for sure. I still want to travel, but now I want a nice place to come home to. :)

I've exhausted my ability to sit still and write (my restlessness increases as I approach the wedding day...)

Real Life

2006-07-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

I admit that I am an escapist at times. I like to write to remove myself from life and watch from a distance (albeit, a short one at times). There was a shooting on Friday at the Jewish Federation. 4 women were wounded and one was killed. The assailant said that he was a muslim and he wanted the Jews out. I can't help but think that a completely ridiculous thing to say about killing another human being. Is religion more important than human life?

I am distressed by this. Who's child is that man who killed in the name of religion? He was only two years older than me. What did he learn that made him think killing was going to help anything? Who are his elders? Who are his friends? What world does he live in that I don't see?
He was from Pasco. I lived in Kennewick when I was young. What thoughts were going through his head when he pulled the trigger? I can't begin to imagine. I don't think I want to. In fact, to be honest, I know I don't want to. I don't want to think about how he got to that point. How did my lifstyle, my decisions, my patterns help him get there? And how will I help my kids come to different conclusions?

While my Judaism is a somewhat private thing, I know there are other lifestyle choices I have made that I feel are more public. I was reading a magazine recently about what is happening to the world (it's also summed up in "The Inconvenient Truth") and I started to retreat into my mind. I do that often these days. Everything seems threatened: land, water, humans, animals, future, hope...it freaks me out. I HAVE to do something about it. I'm figuring out what that is right now. I know it will have something to do with how I live my everyday life. I know it will be hard. And I will write it down and share it with others.

There's no way to make sense of what's going on the world...rather than spend (waste?) time doing it, I'd rather get to work on not being a part of the problem.

What do I love to write about?

2006-07-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

That's a very important question. And one that I probably ask myself 15-20 times throughout the day. It always changes. It's not that I simply love to write, it's that I like a certain kind of writing. Personal narrative is my favorite, but coming in a close second is ecological/social transformation. I love to read about people changing the world and I would love to be one of those writers. Someone who brought a unique story to the masses.
Do I have any unique stories?
My parents (Mom, Ricardo and my dad)
Pursuing the Ecological Dream (first I have to pursue it, and this would require some hefty travel--carbon-offset of course)
Surviving sexual abuse--although not unique, I do feel that I have become a very well-functioning part of society through my healing process

On my mind a lot lately has been what can I do about my impact in the world. I have been obsessed with living in Europe mostly for ecological reasons (recycling, waste reduction, social and political progressive lifestyle, mass transit that WORKS, health care, etc) and I have been torn regarding the social community I have here and the ecological community that already exists over there. So my idea was to research how I live here and then when we move temporarily, I can research life there. Then I can document the ease or the difficulty of the different lifestyles. In any case it would give me a good writing project that has the major components of research, experience, ecology, writing and living in Europe...all of which I love and all of which I do anyway.

So after I get married, I'll begin my project. Now I have to set up the process. First I want to document how I live. I know that I live an atypical life compared to most Americans but my point is NOT to be another 'jane' trying to increase my recycling habits. I notice in the more alternative world that I struggle with having one foot in each world. I support Starbucks AND I eat raw food. Usually, those two have a tough time co-existing.
Did you know that Starbucks HAS what's called 'for here ware?' Yep. They have ceramic mugs and glasses for your drinks if you decide to stay and sip. Why don't they advertise that, I wonder?
Little things like that DO make a difference.

Sometimes I break down and do things that I normally have a big problem with (styrofoam to-go containers...do I really need to take that food home? The food will break down faster than that container). Does everyone know about compostable to-go containers?

My plan is to learn about alternatives, try to live without, and overall be more conscious of the way I'm living. I tend to tell myself that it's okay if I drive a little since we don't own a car. Is that the right attitude? I allow myself to 'slip up' every once in a while because I don't pollute as much as the average American...but that's no way to justify. It takes hard work and commitment. Alcoholics can't have a tiny sip just because they've been good all year. Am I addicted to consumerism?
How can I hold myself accountable and not cause social disharmony? Or is the disharmony part of it? Will my choices affect my relationships? That's what I want to find out.

I know that I can't sit by anymore and watch movies like Who Killed the Electric Car and An Inconvenient Truth and other movies that point to our choices and NOT do something. And I can't say one thing and do the opposite. I've got to blow the whistle on myself.

Where I Grew Up

2006-07-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

K-E-N-N-E-W-I-C-K. I learned to spell Kennewick when I went to Kennewick High School's football game with my sister once. I was about 6 years old. I had a thing for cheerleading.
I lived in a stained wood house, with brown trim. Looking back I know it was obviously the seventies because we had different colored carpets in each room: Parent's room-white, Den- cum-little brother's room- yellow, older brother's room -orange, older sister's room-blue, and my room-purple. I loved those carpets. The fibers were shorter than shag, but definitely longer than today's contemporary carpets. I loved the way the eastern light would stream in and make my room even brighter. My poodle Nickie tried to sprawl out in the sun, in my messy, toy-filled room whenever possible. For such a dark childhood, it was the brightest room. I learned to love the sun in that room.
The rest of the house was similarly designed with that seventies style in mind. It was split level and the living room upstairs could look right into the kitchen. No one cuts walls out like that anymore. The stove faced the eating area, which I have always liked. The cook should be part of the goings on. The sink faced a window out onto the backyard down below.
My dad had his own shop and I believe that's part of the reason my parents bought the house. The shop could only be accessed through the garage.
It had this distinct smell of sawdust, metal, WD-40, and machinist's oil. My dad had this florescent desk lamp. It was essentially an extension of him, in my mind. I loved the lamp and the smells and all the little weird tools in that shop. There were staples and nails everywhere. I loved to go in there and spend time alone. I didn't do anything but pretend and sometimes it felt like my shop too.
Our house was big enough for a family of six. We had our own rooms, and plenty of space to do whatever we wanted. The backyard had a small orchard with cherry , plum, apple, pear, and apricot trees. Our garden had corn, peas, strawberries, and probably other things that I don't recall. We had an above ground pool that we placed underground and built a deck around. I loved living there. We lived at the end of the street, in a nicely sized culdesac and our home was easily the biggest, until a Mormon family came and built on the open lot next to us. They had three stories and a mother-in-law apartment.
I used to climb our front tree all the time, and when I was tired of that, I laid on the ground and watched the clouds float by, guessing what their formations reminded me of. Even now when I see a tree like that one, I can feel the texture of the trunk beneath my hands and I remember pulling leaves off and slicing them along their veins with my fingernail.
I learned to ride my bike at that house. My dad had been running alongside me with a belt tied around his waist (this could not have been safe) while I attempted to stay up with my own momentum. I recall thinking the training wheels were poorly designed because they didn't touch the ground evenly. Only recently did I realize that was the whole point. One morning, determined to keep my balance, I actually rode my bike by myself. It was early yet and I couldn't wake my parents up to tell them. But I felt so proud of myself. I kept riding around until I got the hang of it and wouldn't forget how I did it.
Even though my dad was probably sick by then, I had no idea. As I look back, I know I didn't feel like it was a dark time. There were things I didn't understand, and things that maybe felt a bit weird, but overall, my essential nature was the same as it is now. I was a bright kid, with an insatiable curiosity.
My dad passed away eight days before my seventh birthday. I had an early birthday party that year in the park. I don't think I knew he was dying. It was my first surprise birthday.
Kennewick represents the before time. Before my dad died, before we moved, before I lost my innocence, before I was sexually abused. Even though those things happened when I lived there, most of my memories are good ones, about normal kid things, and not about surviving traumatic events. I guess I didn't know they were even traumatic. I knew I just had to remember things so that I wouldn't forget about them.
My dad gave me a stethescope one time. He told me he got it from a friend. He didn't tell me that friend was probably working hard to try to save his life. He didn't tell me that a stethescope is used to see if the heart has been affected by cancerous cells. He was a good dad. Maybe the best.
I also remember being sick a lot. A symptom of child sexual abuse is severe constipation. I never knew why my stomach hurt as much as it did, but I went to the doctor a lot, and had to eat special cereal (Corn Bran, which to this day I love). One time it hurt so bad I had to go to the hospital so they could give me nutrients to flush it out. That was scary. I remember thinking I didn't want my family to see me this way, with an IV, too weak to care for myself. I wanted to be this strong little girl. I was DETERMINED to be strong. I did not even cry at my dad's funeral until the last possible moment, but even then it was reserved.
At Jewish funerals, the mirrors are supposed to be covered so you can't watch yourself cry. I was more interested in what happens at funerals than I was at the fact the funeral was for my dad. I remember being taken out of school and not crying. Not saying anything. Just getting in the car like a good little soldier. No one told me to be strong. No one said I wasn't supposed to cry. It was almost like I knew it would happen and therefore wasn't shocked or sad.
I was more sad when we had to move away from Kennewick. At least, I remember being sad about it. Now I can see how psychologically, I could have replaced my sadness about my dad with sadness about leaving the only place I had known. But I didn't think that at the time.

Kennewick was hot in the summer. I played outside a lot, ate summer fruit, went to the brand new waterpark occasionally. I liked the smell of air-conditioning. I liked the smell of Coppertone sunscreen. I liked the smell of chlorine in pools. I liked the smell of heat.

I wanted to go back to Kennewick a lot after we moved. We still had family there and they were renting the house, so it was an easier transition. Once we sold the house I didn't want to go back as much. I didn't like thinking about someone else's stuff in our house, about what they changed. I didn't want to picture the new carpets (the ones we had were really outdated and a few rooms it needed to be replaced, but we didn't). I didn't want to see my friends grown up or worse, not there at all. I didn't want to see people I didn't recognize. I never thought I'd enjoy life in a small town, but now, after living in the big city for almost ten years, I miss that life a lot. Maybe I miss being a kid. Maybe I miss my dad.

I don't often think about Kennewick. I'm afraid if I dig too deep, I'll find memories I tried to forget. I feel like I have a split personality or just a different childhood disk that I can insert and type RUN and see my life back then. I don't feel like I was that kid with a dying dad, and a traumatic sexual experience, and a confusing and quiet childhood. It's like I have access to someone else's memories. I have a very good long term memory. I remember when I was 3 years old. Tastes and smells still come to me loud and clear. I wonder if I had a good memory before I needed it. Now I'm just thankful for it. I remember my dad really well. Although my memories are limited, I remember how he used to say my prayers with me. I remember him explaining things to me that I didn't learn in school. When I was learning math, he created a computer program to run like flash cards (I hated paper flash cards). He charted my progress so I could see my improvement. Even the hum of a dot matrix printer is soothing in a way.

I have a completely different relationship to my dad now. I can hear his advice or his congratulations in my head. I picture him still tall and lumbering, but the haircut he had when the operated on his brain has the bald part filled in. I have imaginary conversations about Judaism and Zionism and God. I ask him about major life decisions and sometimes I ignore him like a kid would do to a still living father. Although I never hear his voice, I even like to argue with him.

My wedding is coming up. We've taken out a lot of things that allude to a more traditional ceremony. No dad walking me down the aisle. No dance with the father. But it doesn't mean he won't be there. We're going to use his kiddush cup. And he's been here, with me, the whole time. I wish I could feel his hug, or hear him singing to me, but at least I still feel him close as ever.

Frustration

2006-07-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm getting pretty frustrated with myself. I've decided to stop cleaning for my wages (they weren't a lot and we're trying to buy a house so I need a better, more stable income). But writing takes a lot of work...and honestly, I feel a bit lost when I sit down to write. I need topics and structure. Here's the thing: I like to write. I have a lot of interest in many things. But I need some structure. Deadlines, guidance, etc. If I had to write everyday on one thing, then I could do that. But not without another external entity moving me in that direction. Now this external entity can't be a hardass...I respond well to gentle, constructive feedback. I can do good work with praise. I can be humorous, informative, and pleasant to read. When it comes time to sit and write, I draw a complete blank. Well, not a complete one, which I would be able to deal with, but I hear all these ideas in my head and not one speaks to me. Have you ever tried writing without passion? It sucks.
So I'm back to the freelancing drawing board, knowing that writing will still be hard, but at least I can look for writing gigs that offer some structure. Basically, I don't have enough literary energy to just make things up and have them be brilliant. I'm not sure anyone has this, although it seems that they do. But maybe that's because I want it to seem that writing is too hard and that I am destined to do manual labor (somewhat mediocrely) for the rest of my life.

Josh has informed me that it's not wise to go from one manual labor job to another thinking that my writing will improve with less time put in to do it. My pride is hurt of course, because I don't like admitting that hard work is really not my thing. I don't believe writing is hard work, as it stands, and yet, it is! I know that by admitting my work aversion, I am calling myself out, but at this point, it's not fair to assume that I have the slightest clue about what I am doing (or not doing...). I want to make money and yet, I don't want to work to do it. I want to write and yet I want it to come "organically" (which might mean in between my organic lunches, trips to the movies, and fabric store shopping sprees). Writing doesn't usually come on command like that, nor does it present the best idea within seconds, all ready to be published. I should know that from many years in school.
I should not (and hopefully won't) get another job simply to buy bread. I should work on writing. I work out 4 days a week now, and I go, no matter how I feel. Sometimes I have a great workout, and sometimes I am barely breathing by the end (and if I'm lucky, that's the same workout). But I notice the difference when I don't work out. My body doesn't change.

How do I create structure? How do I create a timeline where I have to submit something? When the wedding is over, I want to be in a writing group so that I HAVE to write. Sometimes I miss school. How easy was it to write every week what my instructor asked for? Self-discipline hasn't been my strong suit...unless it's FOR something else. Can I write for a new house? It's worth a try.

I've been getting up later too...I had a few days of getting up early to write, but then that stopped. UGH. And the frustration continues.

Distractions

2006-07-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

The desk has been cleared off and it's a LOT nicer to sit and write. My wrists don't hurt. There's nothing that's distracting me (well, the wedding is an overall distracting element, but that will all be over with in less than 45 days). It feels good.
I realize that I will have to stop cleaning after I get married. We're moving forward with many plans and those involve me having more money and therefore more work. I'm okay with that. By that time, I will have worked cleaning houses longer than any other job I've had (kinda sad, admittedly) and I'll probably go back to the temp world. I hope to have a gig every other week, or simply two weeks on and two weeks off. Or one month on, one month off. Something where I can work but I can also stop working when we go to Brazil or when I do something else. I'm scared of working 8 hour days and not having any time to write, but I'm reassured that many writers had full time jobs, full time families and other strange circumstances and they still managed to write. I think now it will feel different when I do temp work because I know I am working FOR something, rather than just to make money and pass time. Many writers have temped. In fact, that's pretty common as writing tends to take some time before it can become a FT profession. So that's my plan. In any case, I have to stop cleaning because it wears on me a little harder than I like. I feel good about a job well done and maybe I can clean on the side every once in a while, but for the most part, it's demanding and tiring and 4 hours of work exhausts me and I get paid well for those hours, but then I can't do much the rest of the day.
Plus, cleaning for friends and family is far more enjoyable and I only do that occasionally.

Sorry this is so mundane. My brain is filled with tiny wedding details and future planning (for home buying and moving and getting a new line of work) and I need to just let whatever is in there come out however it does. Brain dumping is a good exercise for me because it allows me to stop the thoughts from floating around in an endless cycle.

Josh leaves for Chile soon which gives me some more alone time. Hopefully I can write a bit. I may just get overwhelmed instead, but I'll try not to. Writing letters is often really therapeutic for me and it's nice to write Josh when he's away. Okay, I think I am done here...there's a lot to be done!

Waking Up Before the Sun

2006-07-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

It's finally cool on my skin this morning. I even used a blanket in the middle of the night. The heat becomes unbearable at the drop of a hat and my brain slows to molasses. But as I cool down in the morning, my thoughts speed up and like a tornado, their swarming grabs me and thrusts me into the day.
I love the morning. The crisp fresh smell, the quiet hum, the way life has been reset. I wish morning was longer. It holds all this potential. I can feel myself getting anxious when midday approaches. "Wait!" I yell. "I'm not ready yet!" It never does. My energy is highest before 1pm. At 1:05p, the day feels like it's starting to slip away.

I like to pretend my dreams are still possible in the morning. Before words have been spoken, cereal eaten, shower taken.

I'm frustrated. I want to write more, to write SOMETHING, but sometimes I just end up writing nothing. It's not "nothing" but it's just my mind unleashing. Maybe the first 30 minutes have to be morning pages and then I can let myself write real stuff. The process seems to be a struggle. Sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel like a complete failure. And yet, nothing on paper to prove anything one way or another. Blogging is good for me, but it's a different voice.

What's important to me?
My relationships
The state of the Earth, and our purpose on it
Health and Healing
Design, green and otherwise

My desk is a mess. I'd rather be cleaning it. After spending time in someone else's CLEAN office, I am motivated to make mine the same way. Then the clutter won't annoy me as I try to type. Environment is important when writing. If I can look over at my wedding papers and get distracted, then it's no good to have the papers so close. I tend to like a lot of stimulation but when I write, maybe it's not such a good thing. I have been fantasizing about a simpler place to live. And composting. And growing my own food.

Back when I lived in Kennewick, WA, we used to have a tiny orchard with apricots, cherries, plums, pears, and apples. Then we had corn, strawberries, peas, pumpkins (and probably other stuff but I only remember eating the peas). Before my dad got sick we'd go out as a family and pick food to eat. I didn't help that much as my food went right into my mouth, but I can still taste those peas and I remember how big our strawberries used to be. Big as golfballs, my brother Aaron used to say.

When I think of us back then, it seems completely surreal. A family going outside and picking food to eat. We did lots of things together back then. Young families usually do. We hung out by the pool, all of us doing different things. We had a very active Jewish life despite the small community of Jews in the Tri-Cities. As I prepare for my wedding, the beginning of my own family, I am hopeful. I want to have a young family that picks food in their garden. I want to have an active Jewish life. I picture us traveling the world, with matching somethings (my grandma made all of us cableknit sweaters and denim backpacks when we went to Israel), learning about being a family and the foundation that becomes for all of life.

Maybe my search for community is a way for me to relive those great family times. Even as my dad was dying, I felt close to everyone. It was hard and scary, but I've always been able to come back to those memories, and hold them in my fingers like a worn security blanket. As we've gotten older we don't talk about those times that much anymore. We're creating new memories. I look forward to hear my own kids recollect their childhood.

Spirituality and Writing

2006-07-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

I had an interesting dream last night. The main gist of it was that I was at some kind of conference in this huge, kinda bizarre hotel. It had white walls and was kind of adobe-feeling. I was always getting lost in the hotel, not being able to find the elevator or stairs that led to my room, or where I was supposed to be. So I was there with a group, but I’ve forgotten what our purpose was. The interesting thing was that there was another group there. They were on this spiritual retreat or studying spiritual stuff because they were always together and they were praying. Then I stumbled onto this area where there were huge, 8’ in diameter nesting pods (picture big bird's bed on sesame street, but with a huge glass dome on top) with glass domes covering them (it’s always so challenging to write something that I see when it seems insane). They were like giant cake dishes you see at diners. And the ‘bed’ part was different things: amber rocks, crystals, and other spiritual elements. I really wanted to lay down in one of them and meditate. But the group I was with, I had the suspicion, wasn’t a spiritual group. They thought it was weird. I thought it was awesome. So I wanted to be in the other group. I wanted to study spirituality and be a part of their thing.
I felt I was with a younger group. We had a conversation about attraction and I said I wasn’t attracted to one of the people because he was a teenager (which may or may not have been the case, but it *felt* like that).

Interesting dream.

So that brings me to Spirit and spirituality in my life. That’s something that is REALLY important to me. I have always been spiritual in some way or another. I’ve always believed in God. I think I tried not to at some point, feeling it was weird or immature, but then I’d secretly do it (and btw, it’s nobody’s business if I believe in God anyway, so now I don’t bother keeping it so secret). The connection to Spirit is something I try not to take for granted, but I’m happy that I can sometimes. When it comes to writing I try to let Spirit in, in any way it feels like being there. Lately it’s been challenging.

I tend to write like I’m having a conversation, but the spiritual voice I have sometimes doesn’t match that casual tone. Because spirituality isn’t usually casual to me. I mean, it’s not a black tie dinner, but when I stop to think how blessed I am, how amazing the universe is, how connected I feel to Mother Nature/God, the Flow, etc. it can’t be casual. It’s intense. It’s all around me.

There are things that I do, that I observe others doing, that distracts us from the main event, which disheartens me, for sure. And there are times when all I have to do is see the moon and remember that I don’t have to watch tv to make myself feel better. I am really valuing the idea of simplifying my life. I can pinpoint my stresses now and a lot of it comes from holding onto crap, buying into an idea just because it seems convenient and fulfilling (packaged food, fashionable clothing, an ‘experience’). Even though paying attention to spirit takes more energy in a sense, the return is higher. I love to cook. I love to bake. Both of those experiences are very spiritual. I love to write, read, walk. I love to eat, sleep, bathe. All those things are spiritual. Can shopping be spiritual? Of course. It may take some ritual and preparation, but when I buy from a company that supports the things I support, it can definitely feel spiritual. When I connect to the people who brought the things in the store closer to me, it feels really good.
Bringing spirituality into my life more and more may feel strange at first. But I guess I’d feel better than if I hadn’t brought it in closer to my life. Many things (if not all) have a spirit. Actions and objects. Keying in to them can change our experience of them. When eating becomes spiritual, the food tastes different. When shopping becomes spiritual, I don’t think about spending money, I think about supporting someone in their livelihood. When writing becomes spiritual, I think about sharing my life with others in order to forge a connection where there might not have been one.

The Setting

2006-07-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote earlier about having the write tools (ha!). Very important. And second, I have to have the write setting. Although I have been known to write in cafes, barbershops, on buses, etc., I really like to write in the morning, in the quiet of my space. I've been housesitting for the past couple of day and I really enjoy the aspect of a simple, quiet, non-distracting space to write. I've housesat at several other places and the same is true. It's great to be able to have the mornings to write, have a nice place that doesn't have things that call to me, and be surrounded by a new collection of books. That's always a bonus. Different things to read. That's why I like the library. I can read new things all the time.

So about the process: After writing a little about the sexual abuse I have given myself a little break before I go back and write even deeper. I know that it's necessary for me to go into the places that I fear the most, but also important is the way I care for myself when I write. There is no rush, no expected outcome (like publishing or sending a letter), and no need to uncover all of it at once. It takes time. It takes some self-trust too. It's good to start the process before I get married, because it inevitably will be coming up after the wedding to be dealt with. This way, I feel prepared somewhat and have begun to use writing as a way of healing. Talk therapy is great for some things. But writing has always helped me with things that I just want to work through on my own, in my own time. Therapy has a beginning and an end and involves payment and those things can muddy up the experience somewhat.

Getting married is a rich topic too. As the day approaches I find that my dreams are getting richer (and being in another house I think helps me remember the dreams). I don't always remember the circumstances, but I feel present in the dreams. I had one a few nights ago where I was asserting my space, which is perfect for this time in my life. Writing-wise, marriage-wise, timeline-wise. We're talking about buying land as well, which is something I hadn't been considering a month ago and it feels good to exploremy desires to own and create a sustainable place where I (we) can live lightly, and have our own space, and do it affordably.
All the wedding details are coming together. The dress doesn't have to be remade. Apparently the first draft was a pretty good draft (!). The groom's attire is almost done (I'm going out today to find a shirt with french cuffs instead of buttoned cuffs). We have our rings, next week we'll write our vows, we're meeting with folks to get things planned, it's all coming together nicely. People are RSVPing. I'm getting excited. Josh is getting excited. We'll actually be married in two months! We'll be in SF in two months!

There will be a big chunk of time where I'm not working (wedding+honeymoon) and I want that to be a transition for me regarding what I spend my time doing. I've debated with people about working for a writing/publishing place while I discover my own writing voice. Some claim that will get me closer to my profession and others claim it will dissapate my writing energy. I believe the latter. If I am writing for someone else, it usually drains me too much to sit and write for myself. But on the other hand, I am interested in working a bit closer to my field (and I'd like to stop doing manual labor). I know I get paid well working for myself, but for the most part, I'm tired of it, my body is tired of it, and I want to spend more time writing. At this point, I'm just ready for something more. Although, I don't want to work FT, and I want a flexible schedule. I suppose it's up to me to start freelancing. I have to sell my work. I have to write profitable work. I want to set that as my intention. I intend to start writing about important, relevant topics and selling my work to magazines. That's part of my ritual and routine, once a week I have to write about something that affects others. Maybe the rest of my writing time today I will come up with things/topics/magazines that can go together. So that I can reach into a file, pull up a topic and write about that.
Okay, off I go.

Writing as a Way of Healing

2006-07-14T09:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I've maintained a very surface, somewhat objective view on my process as of late. Sometimes my writing voice is geared toward audience and I don't always write from the deepest depths.
But in reading this book (title above), I realize that I am pretty anxious about writing about the deepest parts of my life. There are thoughts that run through my head daily that are not about buying milk, or getting the mail. They center more on what I have swirling inside me about my past, my childhood, my fears, etc.
Louise DeSalvo, the author of WAAWOH, gives concrete advise and examples that have inspired me to look at this shadowy part of my self, my life, and the things that swim around when I am waiting for the bus, or trying to brush my teeth.

I have written about sexual abuse in my journal, at some distance. I've spoken with many therapists about it, gone through extensive healing, and been able to even feel somewhat normal (relatively, of course). But the fact is, I haven't really written about it. About how I felt at the time (did I feel?), about how it happened, even about what exactly happened. I tend to spare others and myself the nitty gritty because it's sometimes embarrassing and also sometimes really painful to talk about it. I also know that writing it down makes it "real" in the sense that it gives me something to read again at a later time and I know I have a habit of not wanting to read or even acknowledge stuff that is upsetting (to say the least).
I've written many an unsent letter and shared with a therapist or two, only to be told to rewrite it or not send it because something hadn't been expressed. They were always gentle, but I never really felt supported in the writing about it.

Similarly with the death of my dad. I've written about it a lot, but from a distant, poetic place, rather than a close-up, 'this is how I felt' place. I have much more to write about, I see.

I've been treating my writing and writing itself as a pleasant pasttime that can be brought out on vcacations and shared only in school settings (where it's okay for it to be bad, unpolished, and amateur). This has discounted my love, my need of/for writing. I have been writing since I was in second grade. I can remember (even if I haven't read it in over 7 years) my first entry. I can remember the rage I used to feel (and scribble with) when I wrote. In retrospect, I can see how my writing styles were methods of healing styles and how those helped me see a bigger world, without having to directly navigate it.

Writing as a career is a great thing. I hope to do it one day. Soon. But before I can get to a career, with crossed t's and dotted i's, I feel pulled to really get down into myself and reveal my life. It scares the shit out of me, make no mistake about that, but I realize that it's necessary. It's not about publishing my tragic memoir of surviving sexual abuse while enduring the loss of my father. It's about how I survived, how I was effected, how writing helped me, how it continues to help me, and how speaking the truth isn't just for politicians and well-known writers and heroes.

I'm embarking on this journey with a lot more self-care. I'm creating a writing/reading schedule. I'm going to be gentle with my process, while at the same time trying to challenge myself to share more and more deeply.

What scares me is that revealing details and secrets can be terrifying. It can have repurcussions that I can't control. It can be painful to revisit. But what scares me even more, is that I could live the rest of my life NOT doing it...and I believe that will harm me (and others) more.

I chose my concentration for my degree to be "Writing for Sustainable Community." What I just realized today is that I'm writing to sustain my OWN community. I have a very amazing family, that has its share of tragedy, that I am of course a part of. I see my writing as a way to examine my past and empathize with others in light of those tragedies. While my family, in all its configurations might not necessarily cheer me on in my endeavors, it's nonetheless an important part of healing. At least for me, but I believe it to be the case for them too.

I won't always share my writing here, right away. That's just a boundary/precaution that I want to have. But I will feel free to talk about the writing (forgive please, it's possible crypticness) so that I can still share about the process I am going through. That is an important part!

When I decided to be a writer, I had completely different intentions (I flashed to Dave Eggers, JK Rowling, Maya Angelou, Stephen King, etc.) but really, they wrote for similar reasons. Fame isn't the goal, expressing myself is. And that is something I can do without any previous experience.

So thanks for reading, commenting, and supporting me. It doesn't go unnoticed.

I've missed the mornings

2006-07-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Waking up at 5:45am doesn't seem like a good time if you're getting up to do something you've been dreading. But when you've been waiting all night to get up and write, it feels like a great time. I used to get up without an alarm when I lived at Findhorn every morning because I either wanted to go and meditate or write and my body was all for it. Even when it was pitch black outside. Goes to show you that it's not all about alarm clocks.
So I got up early to get my two hours of writing time in before I got ready for work and it was awesome. I wanted to write about my/our apartment (we're going to move soon!) and instead, I was drawn to write about life at Findhorn. While I've written about it before, I hadn't really sat down and written about all the things I loved in one place...usually I referenced it when I was writing about something else. This time I just sat and wrote about living there and what I enjoyed and how it affected me. In writing about it, I realized that I'd love to write more and maybe take some time to go back and visit with the goal of writing about it. Many people do that, so I'm not thinking of anything new, but I don't care. It deeply affected my life in all areas and I think that's worth something.

The book I've been referencing, Writing as a Way of Healing, talks about having a process notebook where you discuss what you've written. Brilliant! Instead of writing it in a book, I think it will be just as efficient to blog about it.

I thoroughly enjoyed writing this morning. Josh came and did his computer thing, but I moved my laptop to the kitchen table so that I couldn't see his screen (I am easily distracted) and so I could have a simple desk area. I think having an office, where I have a special writing desk with no crap on it, will make a big difference. All the little papers and reminders can keep me from writing very easily. I am an endless to-do list. So a clear space is nice because then it's all about the writing instead. So Josh did his thing I wrote 6 pages in an hour and a half. Woo! I think the structure of goals, time, space and all the things that go along with that is important for me. I loved being awake in the silence, before the morning had officially started. And now, I am ready and okay to go to work. I got my writing done, and now I can go and clean without the heaviness of not doing what I want to be doing. I realize that I have to keep working while I write. I haven't written enough to quit my PT, financially supportive job. And if I put that pressure on myself to make money, then surely, I will be frustrated and depressed. This way, I can write about anything, for however long and not sweat the financial thing. Aha!

I'm thinking of many ways to organize writing sessions. Picking a place to write in, once a week (or month, maybe), having topic folders (that coincide with magazines, just so I can practice writing on similar things and so I can have goals for publishing), a notebook for beginning sentences or ideas for writing, a book list of books I want to read, etc. I'd also like to work in some research time where I go to the library for a couple of hours and research/read about stuff I'm curious about. At this point, I only read between buses and before bed, but after understanding that reading is a very important part of a writer's life, I must make time for that too. Some mornings I might just devote an hour to reading. At night I'd like to spend time transcribing my dad's book. His handwriting can be a bit tough (and he scrawled all over the page sometimes, which is hard to follow) so having a type-written page to read would be nice.
I was reading yesterday about the idea of losing our geniuses and it made me think that although my dad probably didn't need/want the fame or fortune (well, who doesn't like fortune?) of acknowledgement of his inventions, I can't help but think I've buried my very own genius. I mean, not only was he my dad, but he made a LOT of contributions to society and I don't know anything about that. My Architect comes to mind...a movie about this guy who's Dad had another family and was rarely present in his life, but who architected these amazing buildings all over the world. I've always wanted to interview people who knew my dad. Now, before they get old, or it's too late, or something like that. The internet will help me. My dad might still be working at Battelle for all I know and maybe some of his colleagues are still there...or at least tracable. Hmm. Another idea for a book. My inventor.

Anyway, I feel really good right now, inspired, complete, full.

The Tools

2006-07-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

So I exchanged the keyboard for the one I wanted and I am very happy with the switch. I have to get used to it, like any other keyboard, but I've typed on a mac since I first got on a computer, and I like these keyboards. They have a nice clicking sound. I also got a more expensive mouse, but it's not as loud. I admit I never really thought of it before, but after taking some time to really think about the proper tools for writing, I see that it makes a lot of difference to really commit to the process in all areas. I have pen preferences and paper preferences, and it just makes sense that I have proper typing tools too.
These keys feel so smooth! I love them! I think I will make a dust cover though because apparently, the keyboards get dirty and they are hard to clean. Josh's keyboard is already dusty/filthy and white always shows more. :)
I hope to continue to write more and to lay out my writing plan, goals, accomplishments, and challenges.
Stay tuned!

I like me some structure

2006-07-12T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm reading "Writing as a Way of Healing" and it's actually really helpful. Not only for the ideas of how to write to heal yourself, but it actually gives some concrete ideas about when to write, how to organize your writing, creating writing goals, long term plans, etc. I think I have been fooling myself lately that I will one day get this lightning bolt of creativity, write a best seller, and live happily ever after touring the world and reading my work. So the fact that I haven't done that yet disappoints me inevitably.
But DeSalvo (the author of the above book) breaks it down. She says that writing isn't as spontaneous as we'd like it to be. Often we have to create scenarios so that when we do finally sit down to write, we have direction and focus. I'm not a night owl, nor do I have special things I need to do before I write, but I do need some structure. And I need to see writing as necessary (I believed it to be before this, but I always left it for times when I was too tired, bored, or REALLY upset...which created bad writing, to say the least). I need to care for myself as I write. I need to write the deep stuff, the real stuff, the hard stuff.
I cannot simply wait for genius, I need to create a space for it.
So to the dismay of my "flexible" self and the desire to "not be constrained by a schedule" (which I'm not sure I actually agree with) I am setting up a schedule for myself to write. I can easily get up for jobs, so getting up to head into the living room to write, should be relatively easy. I'm going to get a better keyboard and mouse today (ones that make the right sounds and feel good to the touch) and I will start my schedule on Friday.
I'll write for two hours on the days I work, and the other days I will do the prep work like reading, researching topics/ideas, and revising. I have many a stalled project that I want to get going on.
Scheduling my life has always been a strange balancing act. I don't want to be too rigid, but at the same time, I don't want to check email all day and then tell people I'm a writer...I want some real, morning-heavy time to write and get things out on the page. Hopefully writing in the morning will keep me from distancing from my friends (which I tend to do in favor of work/obligations). But this also means that I don't do morning stuff anymore. Lying around, leisurely breakfasts, etc. I guess I'm okay giving that up in favor of doing more of what I love.
I work out at 6pm everyday and although it renders my nights a bit useless, I still manage to interact with the world. I am not losing sleep as of yet, and I know that writing in the early morning has proven successful before. It's hard to get out of bed when I am an avid snuggler, but at this point, I really need to listen to the part of me that is dying to be up at 6am, writing, healing, and exploring through words. Making decisions to listen to that part of me is part of the battle and I believe it's a worthwhile one. I will work on some goals, plans, and further structure on Friday and will relay that. I hope to start putting some stuff I write into the blog. :)

Til then!

Fifth Chakra

2006-07-10T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's Monday morning and after a rousing weekend of activity, I am home with some time to write. Finally. I've been avoiding it, to be honest. It hurts to write for long periods of time with a tiny laptop keyboard so after some hounding by good friends, I went out to buy a new keyboard and mouse. What a difference it makes! Now I have no good excuse not to write.

I've been cleaning houses regularly and doing some odd jobs here and there and honestly, it's a good gig. My own hours, my own way of doing it, and it's satisfying overall. But it doesn't take away the fact that I *really* want to write. I know that my expectations can be a bit high, and then consequently make me feel really gloomy if I don't become the next Virginia Woolf, but that doesn't take away my desire to write. Write and write and write. About whatever, whenever, however. I just want to write. And honestly, I don't even care now about making a fat living...I just want to spend hours writing about whatever I can. I need some routine, structure, accountability measures, but that's easy to do. I have to commit and then I can organize that.

So in honor of this commitment, and other commitments in my life (speaking the truth, committing to Josh, moving into this new place in my life), I got a tattoo yesterday of the 5th chakra symbol on my left arm (feminine side). It's a simple line drawing, with the possibility of color later (when my pain threshold is restored to above average), and it represents communication, creativity, and the honest expression of oneself.

While cleaning houses is a good living for me, I eventually want to be a writer and no better time to start than now.

Getting a tattoo is a great metaphor for me. It's about enduring pain and seeking change at the same time. It signifies commitment. It's a bonding experience between myself and others. It reminds me.

So look for more writing...

I've been avoiding you.

2006-05-24T08:54:00.000-07:00

I admit it. This is the part of the process where I want to run and hide and not talk about how it's going. I half-hoped that there wouldn't be any readers left so I could hide in peace and not be accountable. Wouldn't that just be lovely? I could run off and ignore all the aching, the sadness, and the shame! But no.
I can't do that. I don't really *want* to do that. And I hope at least a few people are still reading...
I was in a big funk on Monday. I didn't have any work to do (for other people, that is) and I felt completely unmotivated. It was a bit sad, really. I had all day to do whatever I wanted and I just sat on the couch and read. And I cleaned the kitchen a little. Which is the activity I do when I want to feel productive...oh. Wait. I clean for a living. Shit. I'll have to get back to that.
Anyway, I didn't do a thing. I was going to go to the studio, to sew, to feel productive and useful, but I just didn't want to. And the last thing I want to do is use the studio as a punishment or obligation. It's supposed to be a place where I can feel free. Once we add a few changes, it will be nice...I want to be able to read and write there and right now it's very 'sewing' oriented.
I feel better after having worked yesterday, but the lull scared me. There's a lot going on that isn't getting out...I realize that there's a lot lurking in the shadows that needs some airing out.
I am able to write, have the time, space, drive...and yet I am not writing. I either get these huge ideas (write about powerlessness, loss, passion) or just the first line. I am inspired by the wise words of fellow writers, but I wonder if I just enjoy reading about writers. I do enjoy writing...but I feel unstructured. Ugh. I said it. I like structure! I like structure but I like to be left alone to deal with it. What I loved at Findhorn was that we had assignments and class activities...and I was free to complete them as necessary for my own growth.
In our writing class we had a lot of time to freewrite on subjects and then we shared. Nothing too complicated. But there was structure. We sat and wrote. We had topics and styles and themes. Am I able to provide that structure for myself? Who knows. I can write almost everyday for 15 minutes. Can I write for another 15? Can I choose a writing exercise each day? Or at least, each day that I want to write? If I set it up to write on a topic, that will be helpful. Preprint it on the page, that might work. Maybe I need a better place to write too...I borrow the keyboard to hook it up so I can write more comfortably...maybe I should just invest in a keyboard for the laptop. Hmm.

Anyway, I apologize for my avoidance. I know it's not about you...but sometimes it's hard to face myself in this blog. It's hard to see that the magic I crave is little more than self-discipline and an open mind. I prefer the concept of magic, honestly.

I am impatient with myself...I want to be published and paid and loved and be an amazing writer already. I want my stylish writing studio (which allows for art, but is designed for a writer) and my organic, wholesome food coupled with candid interviews by people who are so fascinated with my lack of manners and social awkwardness that they wonder how I can write with such poise and eloquence (I know, I have to get to that stage first!). Or how could I have survived such traumas in my life and come out almost normal? In any case, I want it all now, of course...and like designers and architects, lots of writers don't get "known" until they are in their 50s...so I guess I'll have to wait. And be patient. And write a LOT more. And publish just as much.

Sigh. I feel better. If I can just do that more often. Write. Be honest. Show up, no matter how ugly it may be. I'll work on it.

Using my network

2006-04-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

This has always been a bit daunting for me. I think it's because of my curious nature coupled with my introverted nature and don't forget my occasional shyness. I don't whip out business cards at parties, I don't schedule informational interviews, and I generally don't even ask for help, unless I am desperate...and even then, I'll only ask certain individuals.

As I transition into my writing career, I am beginning to see how much I am missing when I am not activating my network (how corporate sounding!). Now, I'm sure there are polite, socially acceptable ways to do this...but I admit that I don't know any. While I am comfortable with my curiosity (because it's rarely seen as aggressive or annoying), when it comes to asking about people's work, the field they're in, and other work/career related things, I tend to go to the internet first. That way I can ask stupid questions of complete strangers...and log out if I am embarrassed or don't understand or whatever else.
Just this past week I found out about or talked to five different people who are involved with careers that may run parallel to my career goals. Most, when asked, were willing (and even excited) to offer any advice, support, answers, etc. I didn't feel anxious or nervous, I just asked questions and listened to any advice or guidance they offered. A few offered a longer time to chat, if I wanted. It's strange how that happens. It was really life-affirming to sit with others who had been there (where I haven't been yet) and talk about their life, how it's been affected and by what, and any other interesting pieces.

I was all excited to be published but when Josh told me that lots of places pay $150-$200 per article, I realized that I am still playing little league when I'm actually interested in the big leagues (but don't judge me on my bad, and poorly chosen, metaphors). I know that I can write...but the paralyzation can be unbearable. I even have places I want to submit to and topics I want to write about...but alas, sitting down and just doing it is hard enough.

I think I just need to take some time, not pressure myself, and just freewrite as I feel moved. Letting myself feel inspired is really important..I can't just sit down and produce a masterpiece in one sitting. The point is to write how I feel and use the truth as motivation. Beginning is the hardest part, but it's definitely possible.

New updates

2006-04-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm officially published!
Go to this link http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/9127/becca_campbell.html to keep track of all the articles I publish. Or use this link http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/27885/traveling_like_a_local_in_europe_and.html to go right to the article itself.
Another article will soon be published as well.

I'm writing up a storm. I have at least 100 reviews of places/businesses in Seattle at judysbook.com and 40 or so at yelp.com (look for the picture of me in a cowboy hat!). I make a little money, which feels good...and I am talking to people about getting into the writing world so that I can make a proper living. Very exciting.

I feel like I can't write enough, which is good and bad. I write more than I ever have, for different reasons, on different topics with different styles. It's really cool. Plus I am getting lots of positive feedback and financial validation which is even cooler.

Josh and I are both in the studio in Fremont now...we need to move in more permanently but we have all the heavy furniture in there. I will be starting my wedding dress very soon!

Okay, I need sleep tonight as I have work tomorrow...

9 days already?

2006-04-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel like a lot has happened in the past 9 days and I know I should be updating more frequently so I don't dump a huge post...but alas, only now have I been able to write...or blog, really. I've been writing almost non-stop it seems.

So my great news is that I started writing for a website...Associated Content...and my first piece got published! Very exciting. I am eager to write more. I need a bit of discipline though so I can write more often. There are lots of sites that I want to write for...I've started writing down topics when I think of them..it makes for a more interesting time waiting for the bus.

I'm heading out to the studio today...the week has felt a bit long and I need some quiet, down time.

Too long

2006-04-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

No, not the post, silly. The time since I have written.

Well, today I moved into my studio in Fremont. I share it with two other women and it's really nice. It's got bright green walls (which I will alter a tiny bit, of course) and northern light, but because the weather is getting better, I am not worried. It's bigger than the space I have in our tiny apt.!

Recently though, some things have come to light.

I was having a moment with Josh and long story short, he helped me re-connect to my writing. I have left it a bit in the dust for several months...of course I still write, but I don't see it as this amazing thing. I see it as a necessity...and not seeing it as this amazing thing, which it is, has made me take it for granted. I am all about living the truth of myself and yet I have been neglecting one of my main pillars. Josh recommended that I look for work that connects me to writing more. What a brilliant idea! Thank God for that guy!
So I have been looking...
I think having the studio to sew and do other creative things will actually help the writing more. I think I tend to try to be one-track-minded when really, I am multi-tracked. And taking some of the pressure off having to start a business or create a massive inventory or many of the other possible energy zappers makes it more enjoyable again. I can also use the studio to write, when I need another place other than our apt. And we can have our apt. back. I may even be able to get stuff out of storage!
So I'm excited to have some real space to paint, sew, drill, etc. It also means I can get out of my house more...which I need.
So if any of you know of any writing-type jobs (they can be PT of course), then please let me know. My specialty is creative non-fiction.
Okay, I just wanted to update.

What do I choose?

2006-03-21T07:45:00.000-08:00

I have to sit and write for a bit before I work. I want to do this more frequently, but alas, I am easily distracted. I have mostly finished this one piece that I am giving to a friend for her (now belated) birthday. It took me a while to just embrace it, but I think it's really awesome and I plan to do the same process again for a different piece and I am happy that I've had some practice. It's really cool. I may just repeat it several times over just to make an inventory for upcoming markets or something like that.
Anyway, it's been a great process.

What's not been a great process is that I have been feeling like I have allergies for the past week and I have no logical reason why. But when I shelf the logical part of me, I hypothesize that my congestion is due to the fact that I am not doing enough work toward my desired vocation. I am not expressing myself in the best way. I am not fully committed to the process. Sure, I do some one off pieces and think that I am "back in the game" but then I fantasize about getting PT work so I don't have to think about money (which is always how I do it...even if I have enough money).

This block/congestion is a great way for me to focus on the deeper issues at hand.

FEAR. EXPRESSION. CREATIVITY. PERSONAL POWER. CHOICE.

All of those are 5th chakra issues. 5th chakra is a common weakness for me. I usually act in fear to get what I want and of course, I don't usually get what I want exactly. Yes, finances are secured...and then what? I still worry and the worry doesn't help. I usually listen when my body freaks out because it doesn't do it very often. And now with this daily congestion, I am all ears.

I don't think being an artist has been a spiritual experience for me yet. I feel it in my heart, which is part of it, but when it comes to connecting to God, I don't exactly look in my art for that 'tingly' feeling. I certainly don't ask for guidance regarding my art either. I just march in, work on stuff, and unfortunately, march right back out. No crying in gratitude, no euphoric moment of clarity, no internal knowingness of right livelihood. Each piece I work on is accompanied by frantic, frenzied worry coupled with negative self-talk and preparation for possible fiasco. I don't believe God shows up in those moments. I don't invite Spirit in for those sessions. I am all grins and smiles when I am done, but it's a private (lonely) battle when I work. I spose that takes the fun out of it. If the time working is laced with worry, then no wonder I don't think this could work out for me. What a shame.
It's too bad that I let myself get to myself...I really am very creative. I really do get inspiration from my dreams, and my life, and the imagined beauty I see in my mind...I feel divinely inspired, but then I feel abandoned while I work. Or maybe I feel like I have to 'go it alone' when I work. What ever happened to Divine Collaboration?
I like feeling industrious but what happens when I'm not? Is my worth only about creating something pretty and useful? What about expressing myself through fabric and fiber? What about inspiration and collaboration? What about creating something to instill a sense of Spirit in others? It's not all about the money...it never is. When I think of someone's home, and poor feng shui movement, I get an image of something I can make for them. When I see house after house with the same IKEA artwork, my heart sinks a little, because I know those people have individual creative pulses that long to be expressed. When I daydream about my future artist's loft, I see all things made by us, using our ideas and industriousness. I have books and books of architects, designers, artists, and creatives who have chosen to realize their artistic vision in their home, no matter who small, awkward, or out of the box it may be. I surround myself with those people, those homes, to help me create that in my own life. Could I possibly take a solid-color IKEA couch cover and alter it? Could I make curtains that inspire me on my way to the kitchen?
Somewhere in the distance, is the Universe calling me to acknowledge who I am, what I do, and what I gift to the world? And can those things be inspired by artistic vision?
I guess I expect everything to be so hard. I expect that I can't be an artist because I should have a harder time first. I should struggle more. I should not be allowed to do something that comes so naturally and easily.
I must admit however, that I am always relieved when I come back to this place (this place of only being satisfied with creativity and artistic endeavor). Artistic vision and imagination is something I find so much comfort in. I don't always have to realize every idea, but I really love having the ideas. They are as comforting as libraries and sun-filled cafes to me. When I let go of our messy apt and not making any money right now, and feeling like my work is just like everyone else's, I am quite happy underneath it all. I have always wanted to be an artist. I have proof because I wrote it down when I was 8. I made sure to document my youthful aspirations...because they were important.
If someone told me I was here on earth to be an artist, my heart would sing, and I would sigh in relief.
*moment of reflection*
I guess that someone has to be me. I can hear the other voices in my stadium cheering...but the most important voice is the one I hear in my heart: mine. I want so badly to be an artist. It doesn't mean that I feel 100% confident in my abilities all the time, but the strongest images I have of my future are where I am able to express my creativity, not just as a hobby in a second bedroom, but as my livelihood. As the thing that gets me up in the morning (this morning I got up just to show Josh the piece that is almost done...) and connects me to other people and the world...I can see that so clearly. I guess now all I have to do is commit myself and move forward.

I don't have to pick a medium or graduate from a school with a degree...I just have to choose this life for myself. My body, heart, and soul choose it but I have to allow my mind to really see how art benefits me. It's almost anti-climatic. Choosing something that I have always been. It broke my heart when people asked me what I did...nothing I said felt good. Student, bum, temp worker, house cleaner...I think I answered artist once and then when someone asked what medium, I froze and never said 'artist' again. ALL MEDIA. ALL ART. ANY ART. I'll take art, design, production, theorist, historian. It's all interesting.

Wow. I feel really good right now. Seriously. I feel really light and clear and warm. I feel a lot closer to God even. I am an artist. I am an artist. I AM AN ARTIST!!!
I could just say that all day long. I am an artist. I love that word: artist. It even looks cool: art-ist. I do art. I make art. I live art. I breathe art.

I have never worn 'artist' with confidence. Even in art school, I felt fraudulent...I thought I should look like the other students. I wasn't tortured like Van Gogh or inventive like DaVinci...I struggle with everything. I don't have sketchbooks and award winning ideas...does that still make me an artist...you bet!

Nobody gets to define what being an artist is for me, except me. I don't have to have a studio or a business license or a plaque or a degree...I get to say I'm an artist simply because I WANT to. I get to own what it means for me. There are no checkpoints. Nobody can take it away. I have been creative all my life and that is just who I am.

Okay, I have to go now. I have things I want to do.

Creating a Life Worth Living

2006-03-17T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book by this title.
It's really great because it talks about how artists and other creatives go through their process of making a living. The books says it better than I do.

I have been working a lot lately, which is hard for me but also good financially. Hopefully next week I will have more time for the fun stuff. I am working on a project that I feel really good about. I am taking my time and trying to a good job, rather than finish and hand over something mediocre. It's nice. I know it's good when I don't want to give it up.

In CALFWL the author talks about doing an activity that she recommends is done first thing in the morning for 15 mins. Meditating, journaling, something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking. A brain dump, if you will.
I get up and right away start doing stuff, not having set up how I want my day to go. Sure, I have an idea, but I don't face the daily demons and they usually follow me around. There is something about a routine that I find comforting but I have to make one and then I have to follow it. All of a sudden, life gets too crazy to live with a structure. I think it's hard for me to be disciplined while living with someone. I had this chunk of time, a while back, when I was living alone, when I had time slots and activities...writing, walking, preparing food, etc. It was nice to know what I was doing...but then again, I had minimal contact with people. I sat at home and read mostly...I am afraid to get back into that and resent any companionship along the way.
I think I can get up in the a.m. and write though. That seems simple enough. I spend 15 minutes doing a lot less. :)

I am starting to exercise more, which feels REALLY good. I am trying to up my energy levels because I find that with more energy, I am more motivated to do creative stuff. I don't like to do anything half-assed so the more energy, the more likely I am to complete something that I am proud of.

I am having interesting dreams, but I am not writing them down so they slip away as I wake up and start my day. Although getting up has been torturous, the sleeping part has been fine. Our house has turned into a mad labratory with no maid in sight of cleaning it...I guess I get enough cleaning at work. I can't WAIT for a new house with ANOTHER BEDROOM. Girl needs some space to work.

Okay, I think that's enough from me. I have a few things to get done...

The Dark Side

2006-03-09T09:56:00.000-08:00

And there's always a dark side...
I feel I have been pretty well-contained during this blogging experience. I have methodically looked at all the stuff that has come up, explained, reasoned, or organized it into little boxes, and then ended my entry and go on to do other things in my day.
Damn.
I've been bombarded these past couple of days (weeks?) with strange images of myself...and of course I am not actually that person I see in my images. I'm this slumped over, inactive, trying-to-fool-myself, pretend artist. No, that's not fair. I do see myself as an artist...just a lazy, can't complete anything, no self-worth one.
And no, this isn't a "poor me, I'm so awful" rant...this is just what I think. I have taken over our living room and dining table (which we were so excited to get, and now has been lost under my "crafts") and still I feel tortured by the fact that I feel paralyzed. No writing, pep-talking, good-food-eating antics have helped, it seems, and still I sit here waiting for the hand of God to give me a push.
And then I protest, "I have been given a push!"
I have not been able (or wanted to) have too many houses to clean, I have been making good money (from lots of odd gigs), and I don't have to worry about the wedding costs. So what then?
What the fuck am I doing?
What is in my way? I know how to sell stuff online. I know what's fashionable. I have supplies, space, time, and all that stuff...so who is this demon that keeps me from moving forward, WITH CONFIDENCE, into the freakin' light?

me.

But what do I hope to accomplish by keeping myself at bay?

I feel like my own drug dealer. I am addicted to this mediocrity. I really am. I know I want to live my highest best...I can see it in the distance...but then when I look at myself in the mirror, I see something totally different.

So what happens when I live my highest best, as if I have it at my fingertips (literally)?

It takes more work. I have to work a LOT more. Be a lot more vigilent. Say no more. Say yes more. I have to be seen...ugh. That's a lead weight right there. I have to be seen! I have preferred this solitary life...I prefer the automatic boundaries that come with being introverted, happy in my solitude, unwilling to "get out there" and "be someone." The work...I have always been afraid of too much work. And yet I clean houses. That doesn't feel like work, I guess. The hardest work to me is the commitment to myself...the constant, unwavering, strong, powerful commitment to myself. And I don't mean that in the "I go to therapy and 'love myself' " sort of way. Been there. I mean in the everyday, talking to friends, family, and strangers, smallest details sort of way. I live neither too anal or too crazy. I stay in the middle just in case I don't want to be anal one day. I claim to like things a particular way and yet I am too lazy to pursue that specified result...instead, I enjoy the constant critique of my lazy behavior! That's always fun. Or not.

When I live at my highest best I can't take life only going to ten. IT MUST GO TO ELEVEN...or more!
Most of what I have built from the past would have to be looked at, if I lived my highest best. I would have to examine my stuff, my values, my actions, my lifestyle, etc. God. That would be too much.

But would it?

I mean, would it be more energy to continue on in the same old vein or to clear out the cobwebs and get focused on what I want my life to be?
I know the answer...but man, it doesn't make it easier...

So let's go down this path. Might as well, since we're already here. Let's paint the picture.

If I lived my highest best...

(We'll start with the material stuff first, since that's where I hold most of my visual images)

I would have a large loft. In this loft I would live with Josh. It would have dark, hardwood floors and the one brick wall would have floor to ceiling windows so I could watch the world below. The downstairs part would have an open floor plan, where the dining area, living room, play room, studio would all be...but divided by creative walls, screens, fabric, etc. I would have this AWESOME work space that I designed and get to live my dream of art supplies in wire baskets (lots of my images come from design mags and IKEA). The desk would move (of course) so that it could be out of the way, or right up against the window.
Our bedroom would be simple and rich. Darkish fabrics in the winter and fall and we'd switch them in the summer and spring. Most things can be changed in our loft so that the space is always accomodating to our moods (I met a family that did this...changed things every 6 months...oooh, how I wanted that!)
We'd have a separate place for computers and papers...NOT ON THE STUDIO DESK. It would be organized and anal, like I like it. In contrast, I would never have to clean up the studio desk.

Our living room would really be the kitchen area with couches and chairs. There would be a stove top island so that whoever cooked could be participating in the conversation. We'd entertain all the time, of course. Movies, rituals, community fundraisers, slideshows, private art displays, game night, poetry readings...We wouldn't have a tv...just a projector and screen. Keeping things simple.
Our bathroom would be a haven. Our own mini-spa. Woods and natural light and plants and easy to clean surfaces (cleaning other people's houses has made my eye keen to simpler upkeep). Sky light. Composting toilet. Radiant floors. Insta-hot water. Huge tub. No walls on the shower (again, this is all about easy to clean).

The kitchen would be a food studio, really. A place to create masterpieces of food. Stainless steel, industrial, simple. Small fridge. Drawer dishwasher. Spices and staples would be abundant. (we would order big bulk items!) We'd have dinner parties and gatherings and always be ready to offer an amazing meal (no matter what food requirements there were!) to any guests who just want to stop by.

The "walls" that separate parts of the main room are only 7 ft high...we can hang pictures on them but they are 5 ft wide and on wheels so we can move them around...we can paint them, leave them blank, cut holes in them, hang pictures, art, etc. Kind of like set walls...but more mobile.

Our furniture is simple, firm, mobile, and modern. The couch can face the kitchen or a wall for movie watching or it can just be in the middle of the space. Dining can be anywhere but we have a table for more 'formal' arrangements.

The kids' rooms are downstairs so that we can have the upstairs.

Okay. Now for the personal details.

I work a maximum of 6 hours a day. I wake up early to enjoy my non-caffienated breakfast beverage and write for an hour. I write articles for magazines, websites, my own blog, and my own art. I also write letters to friends living in other places.

I do a little yogalates, some crunches, and jump on the trampoline while I listen to c89.5 on itunes (people are still sleeping!).

After that I spend time fixing a really healthy and delicious breakfast. Fresh-squeezed juice, oatmeal with fruit, wheat/gluten-free toast with vegan butter. Sometimes I'll make vegan, wheat-free french toast.

Then I shower in my luxurious, yet sustainable shower (greywater gets filtered through our residential living machine so that we can use it to water our rooftop garden). I put on a a funky top that I have made and comfortable pants that keep me warm.

Then at 9:30am (I wake up early!) I hit my studio table and continue working on custom pieces for a few clients. One piece is a tapestry for a family that is having a reunion and wanted a family tree. It's all fabric, but the family has given me pieces of their own clothes to represent them. And there are slots for pictures, as well. Another piece is a feng shui item and it's designed for the relationship area in a couple's house. It has deep pinks and reds and represents their first year of marriage. It's an anniversary present.

I have turned off the phone ringer but I can see it ring in case I want to get a call. I turn on itunes to listen to a podcast about the bioneers or Design Matters.

I work for three hours and then I have another scrumptious meal. Josh calls me from work and we chat about our news. I tell him that I have finished 1/2 of the family tree and he tells me that he has taken his new learning module to a meeting for critique.

I return to work for another three hours. My work is interrupted by my constant visual inspirations for other projects which I sketch in my sketchbook. I cut out early to head to the fabric store (not everything can be done online...) and get some ideas for colors.

When I get home, I play some music while I clean up the house a bit. My friend calls me on the phone to say hi and we chat for a bit about what's new. I start dinner so that when Josh comes home, he can join me in the kitchen to cook yet ANOTHER amazing, but simple meal.

I check my email and phone messages. I get an email from a woman who has seen my work and she wants to meet with me to talk about a special piece for her daughter's wedding. Ooh!

After dinner Josh and I snuggle up on our couch to watch a movie or a couple episodes of the latest series. We snuggle under the t-shirt blanket I made years ago of all my old t-shirts that have sentimental value. (I've made several others for people since then) At 11:00p, we get ready for bed. We have our daily catch up ritual and then read until we fall asleep. I sketch a few things before I turn out my bedside light.

And then it starts over again tomorrow!

That's my IDEAL day. I'm not too far away from that...except for the work and the sq. footage of my current apartment. :S

But what's on the inside? What do I think and feel?

When I get up, I feel rested. I can remember my dreams and they illuminate the night before and the day ahead. I look over at Josh and feel grateful for his partnership and presence in my life.
I sit down to write and dump the excess crap onto the page so my head is clear to write the real stuff. It's a great practice. I write non-stop for 30 minutes...just letting myself run away with my thoughts. I feel a mix of relief and frustration during this exercise...sometimes I wish I could say something new...but new is for my art later in the day...I write first thing in the morning so that I can get out the repetitive stuff that lingers in my mind each day. I let myself criticize and judge so that I don't have to entertain it later. I let myself be cranky and disappointed. I let myself be petty. I let myself be myself in all its glory.

Then I write the 'good stuff.'

After writing, I feel clear. I feel in touch with my heart, soul and body. My fingers start out a bit cold, but warm up as they fly effortlessly across the keyboard.

I change into workout clothes, grab my inch of chub and notice that it's going away. I have been eating better and exercising more, and my clothes are fitting more loosely. Nothing extreme, but when I pinch my skin it feels energetic and vibrant. I can feel the muscle and the life force pulsing underneath. I flex my abs to see how much muslce I have gained. I stand up straighter, feeling the energetic skeleton guiding my movement. I am a dancer. My chest extends forward and my shoulders sit back easily as my head gently floats atop. I feel light.
I enthusiastically begin my routine, talking to my body about any tight spots or areas of concern. My body and I get along well...she sends me warning signals and I try to pay attention as much as possible so that I don't need any extra 'help.'

After breaking a sweat and feeling the life force much stronger inside my body, I go clean off. In the shower I take time to reflect on what I want my day to be like. I think about meetings with customers, yummy food, thoughtful interaction. I sluff off any doubts that might have crept in and I appreciate my body for its strength, endurance, and guidance.

When I start to cook, I appreciate the beautiful color in the food. The bright orange color of the carrots and oranges that go into my juice. The green of the wheatgrass. The pale yellow of the apple. I am so thankful that we get to eat organic fruit and veggies. They taste so crisp and flavorful. I used bread I baked for the french toast. It's dense but moist.

I feel full after eating a small amount because the food tastes so good. I don't need much to feel satisfied.

When I start to work I take a moment to sit in silence. I want to center before I start working so that my full intention and attention can be on the piece. I want to weave solid, grounded, and focused energy into my work so that it's not just a piece of art, but a piece of me. I want the energy to flow even when I am not there with it. The piece invokes Spirit.
After a moment I begin to work. I feel full, clear, present, and inspired. I let thoughts drift in and out, following whichever inspiration I feel the strongest connection to. Maybe I pick green instead of blue, or shiny instead of matte. In any case, I can feel energy flowing from my fingertips into the fabric as I sew. The sweet smell of the sewing machine motor running....
I get up several times to pace..I tend to get excited when I work but don't like to rush the art.
Then when I get to a nice stopping point, I turn the machine off and go make lunch.
When I return, I entertain some ideas that I thought of during lunch...I sketch out some details to a new piece which I am making for a gallery show coming up. I am excited about the show...its theme is dark shadows and I am entering a piece about sexual abuse. The piece is one of many in a series that explores healing through fiber art.

I take a lot of pleasure in using fiber art for more than one thing. It can be art or decoration or healing...or anything.

I am working on developing a curriculum for a class on fiber art and healing. I am nervous but confident that the class will be successful. I'm also excited to go and speak about the development of the curriculum at a fiber art convention. It's exciting work!

So the rest of the day is more laid back but it's nice to have the down time. Working can take a lot of energy and it's nice to turn off the faucet sometimes.

As I get ready for bed I am tired, but really happy. Being comfortable expressing myself in more than one way (teaching, writing, art, cooking, exercising, etc) is really great. I am thankful for a supportive relationship and many close friends and family who buy, encourage, and appreciate my work. I feel proud of my perseverance and commitment to art. I feel comfortable in my skin. I feel right with my life.

Maybe I fear that being an artist is not something 'necessary' in the world...cleaning is easy. People need clean. But people don't always think they need beautiful things in their home. The feng shui angle is a bit more useful/helpful but then again, people have to think that feng shui is the way to go. I guess setting myself up to fail is not really part of the dream...:)
My expression of self IS necessary. I think it's important to know that. I forget that all the time. Like I mentioned toward the beginning of this blog, that I usually find my worth through approval from others (getting paid for my art, for instance) but my worth is really measured by my willingness to express even the darkest parts of myself. And as Marianne Williamson implies, it also lies in the expression of the brightest light I can be. Those places are often untouched in my world of living in the middle...I do not express the anger or the elation...I just smile, nod, work, eat, sleep and go again. In contained places I may express a little of the extremes, but since they are contained, it's almost as if they don't really exist.

Sure, they do in my mind and memory, but I am always scared to share the deep stuff...and most times the deep stuff isn't the 'i don't know' feelings...it's the 'I know but don't want to tell you' feelings...I know when I angry, when I am ecstatic, when I am overcome with grief. Feelings are going on all the time...but I don't let them out...I keep them in.

And yet I have this amazing image of myself capturing expression through fiber and fabric. I see myself as an artist...exploring all these different ways of expressing.

So it's a leap of faith. I believe in God. No sweat. Always have. But what do I believe in God? Do I believe God will be there when I am placing pieces of fabric or when I am thinking of how fiber plays many different metaphors in life? Do I feel God when I am creating...I don't know yet!

Well, this was a good exercise. I don't often get into that much detail regarding my highest best. I see the loft, but I don't zoom in...the zooming in is the best part!
Until next time

Challenge

2006-03-06T07:36:00.000-08:00

I know that writing tends to disspate my energy, but I have mixed feelings about using it as a tool and also as a crutch.

The past couple of days (weeks?) I have been having this struggle inside. It involves some perfectionism, time management, and organization. All very close relatives of fear and paralyzation.

I see this image of myself...it's a self I don't always recognize, but one I am familiar with. I see myself happy, energetic, in the flow, and very clear. I see productivity and creativity and the tapping into the Ultimate Spirit very easily. I see abundance and right livelihood and inspiration. I see the smile on my face.

I see all of that and yet, it also looks far away...there's an invisible block...There's a switch to be tripped, a moment of time having to pass...and yet I have no idea when that kicks in. Is it in my own power (of course!)? Is it at the end of my fingertips (probably!)? Is that invisible block really just my fear of jumping off the cliff?

All the stuff...it seems like too much and yet, it's all a phantom, really, isn't it? There's nothing really there. I could walk right through. Why don't I?

I have been given many gifts recently. Steady work, financial stability in more ways than one, emotional support, etc. What else will it take? I guess the last thing is that I have to put one foot in front of the other...I have to walk the steps. No one else can. All the supposed blocks have diffused and now it's just a matter of moving forward. I have time, space, support, talent, inspiration...JUST MOVE AHEAD.

Here's Some Process for Ya

2006-03-01T10:27:00.000-08:00

In an amazing turn of events, I am face to face with myself again. I was on an employment high for a few weeks...having booked many clients, worked very hard in a few houses, and orchestrated a schedule that can only be seen as "energetic multi-tasking." I was riding high...
And now, I am home, having missed yet another opp to clean and feeling pretty yucky about it. It's nothing too bad, mistakes get made, etc.

So I did a tarot reading (I often turn to cards when I am at a loss regarding events in my life). I didn't really WANT to do it...because I had an inkling I would read exactly what I predicted...which I did, of course.

The most interesting card said this: Seven of Pentacles

With his hoe in hand, a young man sits reflecting on his past efforts and considering the work ahead. Whether or not his expectations were fulfilled, he must plan to open up new avenues of work which may be more satisfying to him on all levels of body/mind/spirit.

There is hard work ahead and now is the time to gather the discipline and the strength necessary to move on to the next step in life. New fields need to be plowed, the weeds pulled, and the seeds planted.

However, the man must watch that he does not become so rigid or caught up in setbacks that he is inflexible and stubborn. On the other hand, he must guard himself from being undisciplined. Fears, failures, and worries connected to past and future efforts must not paralyze him to the point that nothing gets done.

Aha. That's interesting. So I will have 3 regular clients (which I have had consistently) and I spose that in trying to get more consistent work, I have been thwarted.
Now, I'd like to think it's just coincidence. BUT, I also have to say that the moment I wanted to make a full living doing housework, I got the leads, but not the follow-through. Any time I try to get more work than I (truly) want, I don't end up getting it.
I am relieved to be able to spend more time working for myself, and yet I still don't have a system (read: discipline) set up so that I can make the most of my time at home. I am usually at the computer trying to scrounge work.
I'm worried about a lot of things: wedding, house payments, savings, etc. That translates into very little patience for my own artistic musings...could that be my problem (she asks the Goddess of Creativity...) I am STILL creating situations where my own creative work sits lower on the totem pole.

In my own defense, I can see now that it won't work if I do that. I won't be able to simply neglect my own desires in favor of financial stability. No matter how I try to disguise it. Long sigh. It's silly, I know...why am I trying so hard to run away from the thing I really want?
I have not strengthened my faith at all, either. I have been coasting the whole time. I see that I have things I want to create and yet I postpone and procrastinate. My work ethic for other people is stellar. I am ALWAYS on time, thorough, responsible, honest, etc. For myself, I am flippant, disorganized, scattered, procrastinating, and negligent. It's strange to see my self-worth, in the privacy of my own home, be so low. I have a lot of projects waiting in the wings and yet NO organization for them. There's always an excuse filed away to keep me from doing it.

So I spose that I should get organized to be able to use any free time that I have (which, in the cleaning business, is more often than I thought). Just like if I worked for someone else, I would want a list of projects and expectations so that I could just come in and work. Instead of assessing and reassessing each project for value and worth, I should just sit and complete the projects.
When I didn't have to worry about making money from the clothes, the creativity was pouring out...now, it is up for criticism...but that's what makes me work less! That critical voice! That micro-managing supervisor who doesn't care about how I feel when I work, just my output! My god, I am my own factory worker!!! And my own taskmaster boss! That would thwart anyone's creativity.

I also think the pressure to make money for my household doesn't help either. I can't disguise the critic as Josh or the wedding or our unborn children. Leap of faith, my dear, that's what you need!

I love being able to pep-talk myself through writing...

Okay, so I feel a lot better. I started out feeling pretty defeated. But now I can see that some discipline and organization is in order and I can probably do that.

Until next time!

Projects

2006-02-27T12:55:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a fluctuating work schedule again, which proves to be okay for a few reasons. 1) I have a wedding dress to make 2) I was actually missing extra time to do creative things and 3) I wanted to get more specific about the work I do.

Working for myself has allowed me to find a lot of pride in the work I do, both creatively and domestically. I am filled with ideas in both areas...and while my body is getting a run for its money, it's good to be active.

I talked with a few friends of the creative variety and we brainstormed some ideas for dresses...I feel a lot more inspired to create now. I had a really simple idea in mind but wasn't feeling very jazzed about it...and now I feel I can keep the simple concept and yet make a really nice dress and accessory that will be well done. Yeah!

I like trying things out...I have gotten into the mood of just trying things and they seem to work, which helps me move into bigger, more complicated projects. The confidence is really motivating too.

I am working on a skirt for a friend and I am excited because it's a bit more in depth than just a few things here and there. I have yet to put anything up for sale. I rather like the playing around...but I also realize that the business part of this is imp. too.
At present I am just experimenting, but I want to continue the risks and challenges so that I can continue to hold fiberart work and cleaning in balance.

A friend of mine showed me some AWESOME felt pieces this weekend and I really loved them! She made them as prototypes but they were really awesome and looked like they took a lot of time and love. Her work is truly heart/soul based and it was great to see someone else's work. It helped me think more seriously about my own.

Okay, I have to get going...more soon!

A weekend of creation!

2006-02-20T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally got some solid time to work this weekend. I made a mock-up/small version of my feng shui prayer flags, I made Josh a fleece scarf (very cool, if I do say so myself), I made an ironing board mat for our table (no room for an ironing board, but the mat is large, for my big projects, and can be folded away), and I started cutting up t-shirts for my t-shirt quilt. Whew! I know that my available time is going to start being very structured so I guess any free time is going to be utilized. Luckily, I have today off cause of President's Day and I will have even more time to do a few last things. Going to the fabric store can be so overwhelming...but I am happy to say that I have stuff to keep me busy.

I will post pictures soon.

Community Art

2006-02-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

I admit, it's been too long. I have been working a bit more than usual and it is really challenging to find a balance between housework and artwork. I think that I may have to whittle down my "free time" to create to one day...and although it's a pain to have to do, so is going into debt for a wedding (which I do NOT want to do!). So I am working more to support our upcoming celebration.
Although tonight I got a tip from a Craigslister that The Fiber Gallery on Greenwood has a knitting group. I decided to go cause I had something to knit and Josh was out late working. It was really interesting. I have almost no experience, don't know who the big wigs are, and don't understand the lingo, but the women were friendly enough. Some were even knitting without looking...I of course was all tensed up and knitting with fervor.
Yarn shops are amazing. I want to skip the intro stuff and move right into cool projects but this is something that seems to take a lot of patience. I've learned patience with sewing...although they are different. There are some REALLY awesome magazines that have incredibly beautiful pieces...and they aren't all sweaters!
I have decided that Friday will definitely be a craft/creativity day as I haven't been doing much lately.
Maybe I will include pictures of what I do on Friday.
Til then...

Using the Shadow

2006-01-27T14:08:00.000-08:00

While my work at the Law Office winds down, I had time today to take a look into using these shadow parts of my life in my work.
Without getting into too much detail, I am eager to use fabric/other media to explore the parts of me that I have compartmentalized. How can I use fiber to portray loss? Anger? Secrecy? Indifference? Using language is much easier for me. I have been writing, thinking and talking for the larger part of my life but I haven't let my hands or my body express directly their experience of my childhood. I have forced my brain to mediate that interaction to keep the shadow parts at bay.
What will I use? Old fabric, pieces of actual articles of clothing from my childhood, yarn, thread, new fabric, patterns, iron-on photos, etc.
It's interesting to think of using an item to portray a feeling...of course I have seen it done and felt the things I was led to feel, but to do it myself...well, that's a diff. story. I have to remember not to rush deep work. Deep, artistic work, especially. I don't have to finish it or work on it everyday or wait til it is complete to show it or whatever. Just let it flow. Open up to the process of gathering, learning, exploring, trying, etc.

Okay, well I'll let that sit a while. My friend Maggie is coming into town tonight so I'll be hanging with her, but after that...:)

From Within

2006-01-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

I went to an office party on Saturday (for the Law Office). And normally, I kinda dread parties like that because of the omnious question, "So what do you do?" I've been getting used to telling people that I work PT cleaning and organizing and I'm getting comfortable telling people that I am also a Fiber Artist (fake it til ya make it). Now, here's a funny thing. I hadn't really developed anything to say AFTER the artist part. Fiber says what my medium is and Artist says I'm experimenting. But then I hadn't really thought of anything clever to say after that.
Yikes!
But luckily, my heart and soul were on and they came up with a nice answer. When I was pressed to tell more about being a Fiber Artist I explained, "Well, it's one thing to make clothes, and it's another thing to use the medium to express myself. So I sew, crochet, and experiment to explore my relationship with creativity and art." I almost giggled at the way it came out. I almost blew my own cover by stepping out of my body and hooting, "You do what? Yeah right!"
It was a lesson in listening to my spirit...which is really involved with the fiber art part...It had already been practicing this bit and when it came out, it actually felt true and authentic. I guess I don't need my brain for everything, some things my heart and soul can take care of on their own.
And hearing me say something like that made it all the easier to actually work like that. I do love using fabric to express something, other than just functional sewing. It's more subtle for me. Costuming and using clothes to express oneself is an important part of almost every culture (don't know of one that it isn't imp. to) and I take it seriously. While my own personal wardrobe/style is still figuring things out, I can and do appreciate studying others. I hope as I continue my work, I can really embody my relationship to the ritual of dress (which includes the everyday and seemingly mundane dressing).

The ideas are flowing now, which I really enjoy, and I look forward to some free time so that I can make some things. This week and next will be a bit busy, but I am excited to take some time for myself and get something going. We finally have a table I can sit at and I am working on ways to keep the machine upstairs so that I can spend more random time sewing.

I want to make a sample of each item that I am thinking about, just to get a feel for making it, and for its popularity. I've started wearing the skirts and pants I've altered and have received some positive comments, which is really good. Soon I can go to the thrift store and start looking for things. Plus, I do have a lot of fabric still in my storage that NEEDS some love.

I'm also interested in possibly getting some more PT work that is closer to the artistic field. I responded to a craigslist ad for some artistic help and I hope that working with my hands more for someone else will bring me closer to my own work. I am putting my intention in working in the creative arts and it feels good to get some leads.

That's all for now. Keep creating!

Time & space to get inspired

2006-01-20T13:45:00.000-08:00

It's my third day at the Law Office. Yesterday I did less than the day before and it was great to have time to write emails, letters, and search. I think what has helped me the most is that I have nothing to do and so I get to take care of things that I would normally get too distracted to do at home. I don't have my computer here, which would be nice, but at least I can go through emails and answer them or delete old ones. It's a nice time to do some housekeeping.

Also, I get to search whatever I want and I have roughly 6-7 hours to do so, so it's nice because I can get ideas for things to work on from other people. Not that I want to copy their stuff, but it's nice to see what is out there, what sells, the trends, etc. I will be working here next week as well so I won't be able to start working on anything yet, but at least I can have all the ideas waiting...plus, I have to say that ebay is great.
I don't normally like to go shopping because of all the stressful energy and ebay makes it so much easier to buy things, especially if I know what I want. Fabric, craft supplies, clothing, shoes...it's all there and for a lot less. I have to be careful, but I think it's a lot better to buy online than to trek out to the stores. :)
Back to my point. I am just getting ready to do a few things, build some inventory, and hopefully start putting things online to sell. Very exciting. I, of course, will showcase them here first just for you.:)

Seeing how other people put stuff online and are able to sell things, I feel a bit better about the mercantile aspect of my art.
Earlier I mentioned that I tend to get hung up on the business part so I want to keep being intentional about having that not be the only thing I work with. I think once I can start to generate a bit of income, I will be free to do other things; more personal, introspective work. I feel like there is more than one track for my expression...the financial stability is important, but of course so is the inner work. I hope to hold both of those with respect and balance them appropriately.

Side note: One of the families I work for has recommended me to a friend so hopefully that will pan out and then I will have three families. That way I can relax about the art for the time being. But working for three families will also encourage me to manage my time better, which never hurts.

We get a table this weekend so that I have a more proper place to work AND we have a table to eat at (and entertain with!). I look forward to cooking more for other people!

Overall, I am really enjoying the part time work. I like feeling a bit more flexible with my time, as well as only doing what I want to do...I feel like there is a lot more balance in my life with respect to using my body (dancing, cleaning) and also letting my mind let go a lot more. I also have more time to feel inspired...and I don't feel so beat at the end of the day.

Ooh! Josh and I saw a movie "Ecological Design" at the ReStore the other night and it was really inspiring. It's an older movie, but still relevant. We always welcome the encouragement to live our ideals. It might be a hard movie to find...but maybe the library or Scarecrow has it...worth a watch, it's only an 60+ minutes. I am reaffirmed of my passion to live lightly, even if in the city, and I know that with a solid intention, it is possible to do so. I mean, in Colorado the Rocky Mtn. Institute doesn't have to use indoor heating in -20 degree cold because they have a greenhouse...how cool is that? It also keeps me connected to the smaller movements of people who are really working hard to create sustainable homes, businesses, lives, etc. See more links on the side of the blog!

Have a great day!

Time to recharge

2006-01-17T11:19:00.000-08:00

I am working in a really nice law firm this week. It was my first temp job that I really enjoyed. Everyone is nice and patient and I really enjoy doing things that I don't normally do. I am a legal secretary for a short while...it's kind of thrilling...well, I think the thrilling part is when I have to do something in a short amount of time, having no prior experience doing it. It's interesting to learn about the law protocol, in terms of letter writing. Mostly, it's a lesson in office equipment and computer systems. I'm a bit sore from dancing, so the break is welcome. This law office doesn't get a lot of action via phones so my job is basically to format letters, email/fax them, file them away. Repeat. Not a problem for me.

I am finding that while I enjoy the income, I feel the struggle is in my personal congruity (congruence?). I do like doing different work, but I have to wonder (aloud, to myself) why is it I don't spend the time (intention?) really asking for what I want? I have two regular clients for housecleaning, occasional work (law office), hopping social life, etc., and yet I haven't really buckled down. Why is that? What should I buckle down to? Working on more clothes? Website to display clothes? Reiki practice (which has all but vanished...or at least gone dormant)? Jewelry? Furniture? I think retail is a tough thing in general, but if I have a strong intention, then shouldn't I be able to produce equally satisfying results? Of course the answer is yes. I should definitely be able to manifest what's inside me. After making a few items (that have been highly compliment..thanks!) I realize that it's not my lack of creativity, so what is in the way?

Let's talk to that voice:

Me: I've proven my creativity, made some clothing articles, and gotten compliments on them. Why can't I move forward?

The Voice: Because. You haven't...um...you're not...well, how are you going to sell the stuff?

Me: Well, first, I have to make more to wear (walking advertisement). Then maybe I can make a few items for friends so they can be walking advertising. Then I thought about a website: something simple but full of pictures. Maybe a listing on craigslist. Or ebay. Something just to whet the appetite and see if there's any interest. Maybe some awesome flyers at PCC, bulletin boards around town. The website a big one though...someplace where people can go to from a business card or postcard. Right, make postcards and business cards.

The Voice: Hmm, those all sound good. But you're not going to sell anything.

Me: Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't have to pay attention to that comment. If I let you tell me what I can and cannot do, then I will be living only part of my life...you are simply a voice, not my spirit or my intention.

The Voice: You don't have a very strong intention so I'm all you got at the moment.

Me: I beg to differ. My intention is to create comfortable, funky, unique clothing that expresses committed, socially responsible values, using recycled clothing and fabric.

The Voice: Weak. That was a good first try. But I'm not convinced. You're going to do the leg work, buy the clothes, and market it? Fat chance.

Me: Hmm. Okay. I take boring or out of fashion clothes that you already own and I spice them up so that you have new, affordable, funky clothes. What about that?

The Voice: Better. Nothing fancy, no stuffy language, simple sentence. What about, "I take your old clothes and make them new again?"

Me: Shorter, clearer. But how is unclear. Does it matter? Maybe not. I do tend to take things very seriously so I think I beat the fun out of the ideas. (Aha!)

The Voice: That's my job...I try to make it so that you aren't just "making clothes" but making a difference...what's the difference that makes a difference? (Thanks, Vlad) What's your angle? What's the thing only YOU do? Cause I can tell right now, you don't buy it either. I'm just here to make you more clear. Look to me as your editor. Sure, I want a book just like you do, but while you're off getting inspired, I'm here reading every word, making sure it fits, flows...and your book...or intention...or clothing, etc...is not calling my name very loud. So keeping clarifying it.

Me: ARGH. Good point. This is HARD. What does clothing represent? Why am I so obsessed with clothing? Why not something else? I spose I can dive deeper later...that was helpful. It's good to use The Voice...

Work!

2006-01-17T07:42:00.000-08:00

This week is going to be filled with work, luckily. I have two houses and then I work for three days at a law firm doing stuff I've never done (legal secretary!) but still earning money. It's nice to have the income for sure and to do something else every once in a while.
The more I work at other things, the more I want to do art, so it's good. :) Are you doing anything artistic, inspiring, on the edge? Let me know...
Talk to you soon!

Dreaming

2006-01-14T08:40:00.000-08:00

It's 8:40am on Saturday and although I really wanted to sleep in, I guess this is considered late in my book. :)

I had two great dreams last night/this morning. They're more visual than I can describe (as dreams usually are) but it felt great to have the visions. In the first one, I was in my studio: high ceilings, exposed rafters, plenty of space. And I was showing someone around. I think they went to touch this huge easel I had and I told them that they could look around, but please don't touch the easel. I felt a very strong bond with my artistic self in the dream. I had embodied the archetypal artist. I don't paint in real life, but in the dream, I definitely was a painter (which inspires me to look into possibly taking a painting class) and I felt confident and attached to my work and my medium. I distinctly remember thinking that I had space. It wasn't a tiny, makeshift room that I crammed my supplies into, it was a nice, high ceiling, lofted space, with white walls and minimal things in it. Oooh...it was great!

The second dream: I walked into this amazing bead store...I think there was more than beads, but the theme was that one could string things (large, small, etc). My cousin in Spokane works in an amazing yarn shop (Holy Threads...you should go there...it's awesome!) and this place definitely reminded me of it...it was incredibly inspiring. The woman who owned it was similar to me: very funky, creative, more interested in the art than in the sale...she was like an artistic mentor or guru. Her store was fabulous. It was filled with colors and combinations of colors that literally made my heart sing...it was enough just walking around, feeling the vibration of the colors. I wanted to stay right there. I had all these ideas rush in: I could use this with that color, I could wear this bead like this, ooh! I never thought of drilling a hole in this for a necklace! It was fantastic. And people were coming in, getting ideas, looking through books, talking with other strangers in the store...but it was like they weren't strangers at all...an invisible, boundaryless artist collective. I stayed in there til the end of the dream. I know I heard the owner tell me something important or inspiring, but the words escape me. I am just thankful I dream in color.

Both of those were interestingly important to me. I've been a bit distant from the process in the past couple of days. Several distractions have led me off into another place in my life, and yet my dreams are in full effect (previously, I have not been dreaming this much...when I worked all day, I did not have the leisure to remember my dreams) and they are quite a saving grace. I love them! We will get a table in the living room soon so that 1)we can sit at a table with friends for dinner and 2) so that I don't have to work with my sewing machine hunched over on our coffee table.

What I love is that I now feel a tension (a good tension) regarding doing anything creative. I don't often hear the voice of "Don't bother doing THAT" whispering in my ear. Now I just feel an impulse. And it's funny, but the impulse is way more daring than I imagined it would be. I have these clothes now that I LOVE to wear but I was so worried that adding anything "crazy" would make me tire of them too soon...but no, I love it. And since I know how to remove the alterations, I feel okay about make drastic moves. Josh says he can see me opening a clothing boutique and selling my stuff (as well as some of my friends' stuff!) and although it seems a long way off, I must admit, the thought does appeal to me. I had visions the other day about teaching people to sew basic things, getting sewing machines donated, encouraging those with a mroe creative streak to create clothes that they wanted to wear and save the $$ while increasing the style.
I read in "Everday Enlightenment" about finding something that feels good to do in service and oddly enough, it has usually been the domestic arts: cooking, baking, making clothes, that have always appealed to me in terms of service. Sure, most people aren't thinking about making clothes or baking pastries when they can't pay rent, but those two things are an affordable form of not only entertainment and distraction, but a great source of confidence and creativity. I've always wanted to do something like that...perhaps I can research more.

There's a book called "House of Belief" and the author collaborates with artists and new owners of Habit for Humanity homes and helps the new owners create these AMAZING interiors...it's really inspiring. I wanted to be a part of it the second I read the book...I try to use some of her ideas in my own home...anyway, something like that.

Now that I have a much stronger connection to El Salvador, I have also been day dreaming about bringing this kind of service down there. I don't know what it would look like (but I always like the idea of having an awesome hostel/B&B where the furnishings were made by the young adults who run the place), and it excites me to have the possibilities so accessible!

I'm also interested in having classes or just workshops where people can learn about their artistic process...where they can bring that creativity closer to home, outside an educational institution (art school can be less than inspiring sometimes), and give them ideas to continue their relationship to the tactile, visual, etc.

Well, I think that's all for now...I'm interested in hearing from others about their inspiring dreams...what they imagine...a special place in France/Italy/Ecuador to write in, an amazing retreat with a dance studio, a wood working shop with bamboo all around, ready for harvest?

Dream on....

It had to come sometime...

2006-01-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

Of course I hate to admit that sometimes I am just not inspired...or I'm not prepared to sit and let inspiration come to me at will...I think I have avoided examining this period of time (and I imagine it comes often, I don't know for sure since I hardly stick around to wait and see...) when I don't "feel" inspired. Upon deeper examination, perhaps I feel other than happy and loving so why bother doing any work?

To answer my own question, I think these are exactly the moments I need to work with. It's nice to create whole, seemingly brilliant, and creative pieces and feel good about myself, but what happens when I don't feel so good about myself? What happens when really important emotions come up in my daily life and I can't seem to sit down and "do something creative?" I think this is why I went to art school. There was no time for this and I think I felt somewhat relieved by that. When I was feeling passionate and inspired, sure I wanted to be guided in that, but when I was feeling less than creative, I certainly did not want some teacher, or worse, some student, poking and proding in my life and telling me to "use it" in my work.

Some recent episodes in Six Feet Under come to mind...there's a crazy art teacher always trying to push the students and I thankfully did not have to endure that. But here I am, typing away, realizing that I may not have a teacher or a class to sit through, but the archetypal voice still exists...

What does one create at this point? How do I "use it?" What is 'it?'

Transition
Dissatisfaction
Empty
Exciting (transition is usually a rich paradox for me)
Uncomfortable
New
Inspiring (I know, who knew that this would be there?)
Vast

Maybe today I'll write, not as an escape, but as an art form...

I see ahead of me a clear point, but surrounding it I see hazy details. I see a woman. She haunts me. She follows me around, taking notes, chuckling, Aha-ing, and I can sense her presence in my dreams, watching me while I sleep. I've talked to her a few times...we've shared winks and glances, but like any interesting character, I fear initmacy with her. It will take away the magic and mystery.
She's got long gray hair, with weird things like forks and paintbrushes jammed into it to keep it in place. She speaks with her blue eyes and feels with her weathered skin. She dresses in soft, flowy clothes that don't match. She smells of lavender and chammomile, like she walked out of a tea shop minutes earlier.
When I talk too much I see her out of the corner of my eye...she's asking me what I'm going on about so much that I need to say it more than once? I try to ignore her...even though she is right.
She is the Universal Mother. I am the Universal Teenager.
I am scared that once I really get to know her, I'll find out about me...I'll find things I've been hiding. I'm always hiding. I wish it were bad stuff, but most times, it's part of me I'm not ready for...or I think I'm not ready for. The crone keeps them for me. She doesn't judge me for hiding...but she does keep challenging me...always asking, "Are you ready yet?" I shake my head, no. I imagine a mentor doesn't always have an easy job. How does she know when to push? Pull? Sit and wait?
She wants me to grow up, grow into. I want her to let me stay in my room, in my chaos, with my comforts. She coaxes me through the door, "Why don't you come out, beautiful child?"
I answer, "I'm not ready. It's not safe. I can't."
She is patient though. More patient than a cocooned worm. She's got nowhere else to be, but with me. I secretly hope she never leaves me, never stops coaxing. She knows my secret, of course. I want to smell the wafting of herbs, want to taste the love in her cooking, want to feel the soft texture of her clothes as I embrace her.
What does she want me to grow into, I wonder. What does she see?
She sees my Woman. She sees the teenager transforming. She sees my intuition, my heart, my mind...she observes the constant play between the three and the synthesis. She probes further and sees how my pain, my childhood experiences, have shone light on my life. She sees how my spiritual clothes no longer fit me and how my ideas about the world are dressed in combat gear. She sees my heart in kevlar, struggling to beat, unencumbered, in time with my spirit. She knows. She knows if I choose, then I will be ready. She knows that I have tried on the Woman inside of me and although I felt awkward, I felt good too. She knows that I only have to commit, to really take on the Woman. It's a strange tug o' war...where there is just holding, no tugging. She has picked up the rope and so have I, and we just wait for the other to pull. It's almost more tiring than the tugging.
Where is the rite of passage? Where is the moment when I declare, yes, Woman, I am you and you are me! I want to hear a 'click' or change my name or start a new life...and yet the only thing that I know is true is that I just have to do it one day. And then the next. And the following days after. I want a definitive moment!!!
But my Crone shakes her head. We both know better. We know that it is a decision, an action. We know that to be Woman, to integrate Teenager and Crone, we need to step forward. Change isn't always hard, but I want to be conscious. I don't want to wake up one day with more gray hair and think, Oops, I forgot to be 28. I want to wake up everyday knowing that I have accepted the responsibility of my womanhood, my humanity. I have the power to choose, create, believe, act, and feel. All those things reside in me. Expression is a choice. Art is a choice. Life is a choice.
It's time for me too choose.

Passion

2006-01-10T08:13:00.000-08:00

While this first part may seemingly not have much to do with art and my process, it does. I saw Brokeback Mountain a few evening ago and it was a remarkable movie. Very touching. Without going into too much detail, I think the part that spoke to me was primarily that the expression of love is one of the most important things in life. And art is always somewhere close by, in my opinion. At least, I see art as a way to express love. And I see that I have more choices than I realize. Those choices may not be the most popular, but if I let myself gravitate toward what really speaks to me, then popularity is not really that important. Sometimes movies just make me feel really grateful for my life and all that's in it...

Yesterday I was thinking about what I wanted to do...and knowing that I had to make dinner I decided that I would cook. It was great! I finally baked loaves of bread that actually rose! (I learned a few tips regarding yeast that I think will change my life forever!). We had a great vegan soup, some vegan bread, and a nice salad. I felt really good about pulling off a real meal and not something that I thought of last minute involving pasta. I will also get to cook a little for a family I am working for, which excites me. I can try out the recipes at home and then share them if I think they are tasty enough.

Cooking is a totally different form of expression for me. It's calculated. And I also enjoy having the time and space to really do it well. I like seeing bread rise in the oven, and seeing the evolution of something that I have no idea how it will taste. I also like filling people's bellies with good, healthy food. I look forward to more chances to cook (I think Josh does too!) and more happy bellies. See below for these great, easy recipes.

Easy Vegan Wheat Bread
Ingredients (use vegan versions):

* 2 1/2 cups warm water
* 3 cups whole wheat flour
* 2 tablespoon of yeast (or two packets)
* 1/2 cup molasses
* 1/4 cup vegetable oil
* 1/4 cup vegan soymilk
* 3 to 4 cups unbleached white flour
* 1 teaspoon salt

Directions:

This is super easy to make. Most of the time is spent letting the dough rise and bake. You don't spend much time in the kitchen...I SWEAR!

Mix water, yeast and 1 tablespoon of the molasses together in a large bowl. Pour in the 3 cups of wheat flour and mix well. Cover the bowl with a towel and place in a dry place. Let it sit for a minimum of 20 minutes, up to a day! Fit it into YOUR schedule.

Pour in the rest of the molasses, oil, soy milk and salt. Mix together. Begin adding white flour, a 1/2 cup at a time. After the third cup, it begins to get pretty dense. I begin kneading the vegan bread in the bowl and it is still a bit "sticky," so I'll add another 1/2 to 1 cup of flour as I knead the vegan bread. Knead it for 5 to 10 minutes until it is smooth and elastic.

Cut the dough into two, equal parts. Shape them into loaves and place them into two, 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 greased vegan bread pans. (You can also make 24 rolls...or 1 loaf, and 12 rolls...whatever you want!!!).

Cover pans with a towel in a warm place and let the dough double in size. This will take at least an hour to an hour and a half.

Baking: Bake loaves at 350 degrees F for 35-40 minutes. Rolls should be baked at 375 degrees F for 20 minutes.

Serves: many!

Preparation time: 2 hours

Butternut Squash Sweet Potato Soup
Ingredients (use vegan versions):

* 1 2-3# butternut squash (peeled/cut in 1 inch cubes)
* 1 large sweet potato (peeled/cut in 1/2 inch cubes)
* 1 can vegetable broth
* 1 onion (chopped)
* 1 large garlic clove (minced)
* 1 tlbs parsley
* 1 tablespoon bazil
* a few good shakes of cayanne and white pepper
* salt to taste
* 2 cup water
* olive oil

Directions:

Cook Squash until tender. Drain, and puree in blender with vegetable broth until smooth. In pot, cook onion and garlic in a little olive oil still soft. Add squash mixture and rest of ingrediants. Bring to boil, reduce to simmer and cook until sweet potatos are tender. Adjust seasonings to your taste!

Energy and Inspiration

2006-01-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

After a long day yesterday I felt really energized at the end of it. Amazing. When I don't have anything "weighing" me down (boring work, heavy food, financial stress, etc) I have a lot of energy! Yeah! I have another job today, and my muscles are a bit sore from dancing, but I am excited for more work. It's like the weekend is already here!

Let's look a little deeper into what's happening...

*cue sounds effects for opening a huge book*

I had some doubts about this part. I know that I can do stuff and I know that I am good at stuff as well, but I was at a loss (mentally/emotionally more than physically, I think) about how to really stand behind myself and thrust my best out into the world. I knew that "doing art" was not really about finishing projects and going to gallery openings. But what I am finding is that "art" isn't just in the materials and methods...it's a whole life thing. Sure, I paid lip service to that idea (fake it til ya make it) but to FEEL what it's like to do what I want, get rewarded (which is always multi-layered), and see how my energy shifts with one slight movement...it's truly amazing. Being in love with myself has always been this obscure self-help concept that I liked but didn't feel. And now I am glimpsing the parts of myself out in the world (not shut away in my apt) that I really like and it feels great. I don't feel an impending struggle. I don't feel the lack of self-confidence or even self-consciousness...I feel all possibilities just at the ends of my skin. I can see my future accomplishments and they aren't clouded with "can'ts" and excuses...ROCK ON.

I've always had this obnoxious, bullying voice inside me listing reasons why I can't or shouldn't. And that voice doesn't fit in my life at the moment. I'm sure it will come back for closer examination, but I like not having time to entertain its nagging irrationalities. I think of all the things that I have put off or written off and I don't feel the doom of them anymore. It's a relief, for sure.

I bought a book that gives tips on how to scrapbook. Now, I am not a scrapbooker in the traditional sense, but I wanted some inspiration so I could dive into memories (positive and negative) and really examine/observe them and even get some closure. It's nice to be making clothes and coming up with ideas, but I also want to honor the part of me that has worked hard to get here. The still small voice within has been persistent (thank goodness) and patient and right on. And here I am, doing what I want and getting paid. There's room in the world for me too!

I'm also considering hosting a group (I'm thinking women only at this point, but that can be amended..) that artistically dives into stuff: learning/refining crafts, making sacred alters, meaningful scrapbook/memory pages, having speakers to talk about art and process, writing exercises (duh!) etc. I've been in support groups and they have a special purpose, and I am interested in actually working with my hands and providing supportive space for others to do so as well. I'll let it stew a bit more...any suggestions are welcome of course. I have a few resources that I will look at and get back to you...:)

I got high compliments on my pants and skirts yesterday from a few friends. It's great to get praise, especially when I am also proud of the work. It inspired me to consider making more and offering my friends the simple service of changing what might be boring clothes to clothing that is interesting and cool, without having to become a slave to fashion. Simple embellishments are all you need. Jeans and cords can have a new life! Shirts can become unique with a few stitches. One of a kind clothes, in YOUR size, that express that inner fashion model... Are you willing?

I hope to do the summer market thing, maybe with a few friends who want to show off their stuff, and just have fun redesigning clothes so they are affordable, practical, made for durability, and appropriate for Seattle weather (I can't wear a purple camisole with jeans in the middle of winter, folks!).

As I start to earn more money, I'll start buying some used clothes to keep trying cool things on and I'll share them as soon I do it.
I also hope to start my t-shirt/life history quilt soon...I might have to get more room to lay it all out but I am excited to make a quilt...I've always wanted to do it.

Well, I'll leave you with this:

"There is no need to run outside for better seeing,...Rather abide at the center of your being;...Search your heart and see..."
-Lao-tzu

Hard Work

2006-01-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

Although I have no pictures to show for my work today, the house I helped organize/clean is really happy!

Now, I know that most people are not inclined to clean willingly (OCD cases notwithstanding--a compulsion can't be confused with enjoyment). But I do find a certain satisfaction in cleaning. And there is a lot more satisfaction cleaning other people's homes because I have no emotional attachment. So it was easy to go in, clean, and come home. And earning money for it is even better. Waahoo!

And I just realized that perhaps cleaning is just the thing I need. I'll use my left brain to clean and organize, so that I can leave my right brain to do creative things. Aha! That's it!

But I do want to talk about what I did last night.

Although I enjoy using my hands, I have to say that I also enjoy dancing. I signed up for a hip hop class, but more than designated dance moves, I like just being able to dance freestyle...so I did just that. Ecstatic Dance Seattle. It's over an hour of music with no words, 20-46 (we had 46 last night) people (it can be smaller or bigger, but that's an average), and all the expressive dancing you can hope for. It's great because all kinds of people, with all body types, wearing all sorts of things just get together and dance. There's a warm up and a cool down and in between it's just a whole lot of fun. At the end there's time to share any reflections and then people can make announcements (like for other upcoming events). What's really cool is that there are all sorts of progressive people in Seattle and they do all sorts of things. It's nice to dance and also share some ideals with people. My body really loves it too. Working out is just not my thing. It's not fun to be in a gym with no windows, spending money to wasting my energy using electrical machines. For me it's just not a good use of resources. Plus, I hate watching other people work out...it just makes me feel worse. But I did enjoy watching other people dance...!
EDS is at Dance Underground on Capitol Hill and there are mirrors on two walls...and normally I try not to look at myself in the mirror, but last night I wanted to watch myself. I want to be more comfortable with myself and my body image. Normally when I see myself in the mirror, I can always find something to criticize but last night it was so great just to dance and not feel negative about myself. If you're into dancing, I highly recommend ecstatic dance. It's intense. It's a ritual-based
thing...

Ask and ye shall receive...

2006-01-04T10:05:00.000-08:00

Well, I put my wants/needs out there and I already have finished two pieces of clothing and gotten a chance to work for a family once a week for 6 hours a day...yay!
I feel pretty excited and inspired to be able to work PT, and actually get things done and feel good about it.

My dreams have been lively (even though I can't remember them) and I fall asleep dreaming of ideas for pieces. Whether or not I do them isn't important...it's that I have time and space to be inspired by ideas. Ah, it's a sweet life.

The wintertime can be really dreary around Seattle, but I find that lots of tea, dinners with friends, and a few activities here and there can be really uplifting. Plus, I just feel a lot more connected to my purpose and the choices I can make. I don't have to say "Someday soon I'll be able to paint that..." It's great.

The wedding comes closer and closer and I realize that since it's such a creative endeavor, it'll be nice to have time and energy to put toward it. After all, we're making invitations, my dress (I'm doing that, not Josh!), and creating a whole hi-tech music, photos, registration thing...

It's a good sign that I feel less inclined to write and more inclined to work!
Off I go...

Photos

2006-01-03T18:36:00.000-08:00

These are some photos of stuff I've done...some details of my Dalai Lama frame (these can be customized for weddings, birthdays, Christmas and Hanukkah, anniversaries, etc.), the pants I just finished today, and a skirt that is mostly done but I still have a few things to add...sorry if you can't see the details...

It takes a village...

2006-01-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

Josh and I were talking last night and he said that he could see me doing clothing design...setting up a tiny storefront, selling my re-imagined clothes...then I could teach people in El Salvador (we have family ties there) how to sew and work for a living wage...the idea felt realistic.

Although I pride myself on being creative and innovative, I'm always happy for the ideas of others. It helps clarify and invigorate my ideals. I'm going to do some alterations today...I feel almost nervous! Altering things is always scary because what if I mess up? Well, working hard can keep some of those possible mistakes at bay and the ones that slip through, well, I guess I need more practice with mistakes! This won't be a MAJOR alteration so I can relax. What I am interested in is how people make clothing their own? Do they simply accesorize? Or do they not care? Or do they cut, glue, sew and alter til they are satisfied? I'm just curious about that...

Maybe I'll blog more later, but I want to get to sewing!

Not enough time

2006-01-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

Not everything that happens to me is directly about my art process...but this definitely relates to art.

Longer story a little shorter, I was talking with some friends about creating the kind of life I want to live. Josh and I have been really interested in community building and both of us had amazing experiences while living in intentional communities. So since then I have been really focused on how to recreate that. Some ideas have involved moving back to Findhorn (the community I lived in), joining a cohousing group (which we have since stepped away from), asking close friends to go in on buying a duplex (this idea is still hot for us), starting a women's group, etc.

But in talking about these ideas, I started to feel frustrated because I wanted to feel the community feeling NOW...I didn't want to wait for it to grow and evolve...and it comes out a few minutes later that I feel like I don't have enough time.

This has been a common thought in my life, mostly because my dad's early death at 41 has impacted me that way. I have felt that I don't have enough time to do the things I want to do (although at 28, I must say in my own defense, that my life has felt quite full!). And I don't want to be "late to the party." Well, I was reminded that in the scheme of things, metaphorically I want to run a marathon but I haven't even bought running shoes yet. So I just need to see that what I am doing IS on the path and I AM working on (and succeeding) creating my life the way I want.

Also, I can't keep looking externally for satisfaction. That's a long term habit I've had and I'd like to obviously bring that into my process in art. No matter how many times I've SEEN a marathon, or studied them, or trained, I still have to run the thing myself.

I have a few things going on now, so I feel better about my financial sustainability. Woo hoo! But of course, always keep me in mind for anything you think I might be interested in!

Vacation ends today/tomorrow, so then I am back in the saddle and I really approach this journey with vigor! Thanks again for reading, I hope all of you are enjoying your new year.

A New Year

2005-12-31T18:57:00.000-08:00

Everyone always has "New Year's Resolutions"...I know I get romantic about starting new as often as I can. But I have to say that I have started to think about the fact that while New Year's has a nifty date and lots of people are often doing similar things (new gym memberships, diets, lifestyles, etc), I am reminded that we can always make each day, hour, or moment new. I don't have to wait for the fancy date or appropriate holiday to start new.

Today I went shopping at American Apparel. It seems really expensive to buy simple, solid color clothing there, but then I remember that this what what it used to be like when people got paid well. So now I can feel better about paying so much because someone has made enough money to afford health care.
But I digress.

In shopping today, I paid attention to this weird process that comes along with clothes shopping. I usually feel pretty down after a rousing effort of trying on clothes, and today seemed no different. I see the skinny manequins and how stylish they are and then I feel bad for not being a motionless, lifeless, one size fits all, inanimate object. Yikes!

So I tried some stuff on, was about to feel bad about the way it looked, and then I thought, I have a choice in how I approach the way I costume myself. Sure, I want comfort. And of course I want style too. And a living wage just rocks my world. So I don't have to walk the runway when I try on clothes and I can say to myself, 'Hmm, I like buying clothes here and while I am not at the height of my exercise routine and eating habits, I do really like how I FEEL in this shirt.' It's an amazing spin. No, the belly doesn't disappear and birds don't start singing, but I can start to have a relationship with what I buy. I can by for comfort and sustainability and THAT makes me FEEL good. It was just an interesting thing. Normally I feel a bit embarrassed that I don't walk in with all the latest styles, but again, the point is how I am approaching the whole process. Yes, I want to design clothes for myself (and hopefully others) that aren't just sylish, but also comfortable and flattering. I overheard one girl saying to another that sometimes she kind likes looking good despite discomfort. She found something special in that I guess. And I giggled, as my rolls of fat jiggled and then I relaxed, knowing I can feel good NOT wearing uncomfortable clothes.

So here's to not only a amazing new year, but to anything I (we) decide to make new: my (our) self-image, buying practices, perspectives, habits, etc! See you in 2006!

Inspiration

2005-12-30T06:39:00.000-08:00

I got up early!!!

I want to thank those of you who have read my blog and given me really important feedback. One email I got yesterday (I'm including an excerpt) was really inspiring. I really appreciate not having to work through things alone in my apt...art doesn't "happen" in a vacuum!
I'll try to keep people's stuff anonymous (unless they comment directly to the blog)...

"Can you wait until you really feel inspired?...i.e. not push it until then? And by the same token, let joy in whatever you are doing provide the energy and the inspiration for the next step. Even mundane things. Be as present in this moment without thinking about the next and you might find yourself at the end of the day having gotten just the right amount accomplished. Also, don't beat yourself up over this...that's just another way of avoiding being present. Be an amused and compassionate observer of your own eccentricities."

This is a GREAT point. Where am I going so fast that I need to be inspired RIGHT NOW? And can that even happen? Not really, I guess. Actually yesterday I spent quite a bit of time working on something that before felt really lifeless...I allowed myself some time to saturate and lo and behold, it ended up being fun and I've gotten farther on that than I did in the past few months!
The other great point was that beating myself up pulls me away from the present. Yikes. How easy it is to leave the Now, huh? And really, who wants to read a blog about me beating myself up everyday? Not me!

I also chatted with some other friends last night who told me some good things:

Get out of your own way.
Doh! All my chatter about this feeling like that and that over there supposedly because of this...just do it, woman!

Take the risk.
I have a few things I want to work on, but I am afraid of "messing them up." Well, there's no accomplishment if there's no risk.

Do the work for yourself and then you can look up later and see if anyone else likes it.
This is a tough one. Do the work for myself. Do what inspires ME. After all these years, it's like I am getting to know this new person (me) and finding out what I like, what moves me, what makes me tick. I really enjoy that concept, but it's always been hard for me to make new friends...or at least learn about intimacy with new friends.

You don't have to have had an education in art to be creative and artistic.
If this weren't the hardest thing to understand! I DID go to art school and I know how to do things, and still, I find that doesn't inform much of anything. It just allows me to gather supplies. :S This friend told me that he just enjoyed doing his art (music, drawing, song writing, etc) and found that he learned from that what he really liked and that allowed him to get to know what other people might like, but the initial emphasis was on what HE liked. Fascinating! Cause that takes the guesswork out...I find that I can easily get caught up in what other people MIGHT like before I realize that I have my own preference. I also find comfort in imitation, which isn't all that bad, but I am less likely to go out and come up with an idea on my own. And there's where the risk is...

Again, I really appreciate the kind words and the challenging words...I need them to reflect on what's happening.

On a different note, a part of this whole trip is that I am not working right now. That plays a huge part in my fear factor. We're talking about the sustainability of this and I know I had some protective energy this morning regarding going back to work. That's a good sign. An uncomfortable one, but a good one. It's hard for me to fight for myself, especially if I have the option of giving my energy away, but I think I realize that if I go back to work, then working becomes a way to escape this process. I want to set a public intention of finding ways to "work" creatively and making a living without having to compromise this special, and probably rare, time.

While I don't want to work for money alone, I am definitely open to occasional gigs: housecleaning, cooking some meals, laundry, making a commissioned piece, fill-in work, office assistance, Reiki, feng shui, etc. so that I can contribute without having to go back to 8 hours a day.

I wish I could show you what I am working on, but I will wait until I have given to its recipient. I think today though, after I trek out into the world, I might hit the sewing machine...and then maybe I'll show you THAT.

Oh, and I signed up for a Hip-Hop class today! I've been wanting to do that for a LONG time and now I'm signed up and ready to go! I've also looked into ecstatic dance (see links on the side) and I'm going to try to go to that once or twice a week too...I miss dancing!

Thanks again for being a great audience!

The "Fun"damentals

2005-12-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

So I was inspired to go through my closet because I figured that maybe I should address my environment before I start in on any projects. I think having a proper place to work and a general feeling of comfort and creativity definitely paves the way for expression.

I find that having clothes that don't fit, or that make me feel uncomfortable for some reason is really a waste of space. The idea of getting thinner to fit into them or developing a liking for them (which is even less likely) after a period of time is really depleting. I've tried many times to see if I could manipulate myself into fashion, to no avail.

I like wearing clothes that reflect me and how I want to feel. I am excited to design clothes or elements of clothes that I am proud of.

I get too wrapped up in expressing a specific way and I am learning that there are many levels on which to express myself.

How can this be art?

2005-12-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

How can this part of the process become artistic?
What do I need to start?

I read something interesting yesterday in Dan Millman's "Everday Enlightenment":

"If I never do my best, I can never fail, because I'll know I could have succeeded if I had really tried my hardest."

That's totally it. It's a paralyzing thought. Here I am, paralyzed! There's also something about people not really liking their gifts. It's ugly to even think about, but there it is.

What am I feeling?
Scared. Frustrated. Excited. Nervous. Expectant.

I spent all day on the computer, looking for jobs! Yikes. A friend came over to distract me (it was already too late to start anything) and I was thankful. I have an ink cartridge that is missing it's yellow, but I can't take it out because then I have no excuse not to print some stuff I need...the excuses. I feel like I am addicted to the excuses...they flow so easily. Can I be that comfortable with not-moving? Josh goes away in the morning and then I slip into this inertia.

Okay, I can't keep writing. I need to do stuff. Anything to keep the motion going. I think there is a part of me (ego) that likes the bon bon eating scene. If I don't risk, then I won't fail. I notice in others that there is an energy of carefreeness that I don't seem to have coming as easily. Spontaneity is not a natural talent of mine.

But I will stop writing and see what happens. Good music should help.

Dumping the Brain

2005-12-28T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's useful for me to wake up and write right away because it allows me to dump my brain. Like this morning I woke from a weird dream where I was with a group of people and we were on a marine biology type boat and there were all these fishy things that people were looking for. Someone told me I had a "good hook" (which I have no idea about). And we rescued a woman who was going to be eaten by an eel. And the people on the boat with me were catching weird, white, flat fish. Flounder? Anyway, I was eager to get off the boat and stop investigating this stuff.
I also like to write because it lets me sluff off the day before a little. I can start new. As well as I can start to frame my day through writing. I can have some productive time looking at the space before me and try to organize it.
Today I will have a lot of time alone to work...I think time isn't the issue...I was afraid to discover that. Materials can be another "imagined" block as well but it comes down to taking that shaky step forward. My feet feel like lead when I think about actually starting a project (or finishing it, for that matter). I could find so many other things to do.
I read a book called "Getting Things Done" and one of the major points it made was that when you have a project to do, you can't just put your project on the "to do" list and move from there. You have to break it down to its most basic steps.
For instance, to start a sewing project I have to go to the fabric store and by the fabric. It may sound simple but you wouldn't believe how many times I have been stalled by the "next step." I am having a hard time deciding what to do first (Another easy way to stay immobile!). I have many things I need to get done, a few I want to get done, and a few still that scare the shit out of me and probably won't get done anytime soon.
-->to that end (the one about being scared), I am frightened of using my art to explore the darker side of my childhood. I know it's there to be explored and I have made a living ignoring it, but it seems so vast, like I would never finish looking and probing. It's not just that my dad died, or that I was sexually abused, but it was the aftermath of those things. It was how they affected me and maybe how they still affect me that haunt me. Sure, I lead a very nice, comfortable, even stable life now, but it's daunting to know that my fear of creating may even link to those events.
I guess that's why I have to keep going...I have to dig in.
I was doing some inner work and this idea came to me that if I didn't acknowledge this shadow part of me, I wouldn't be able to access my purpose very effectively. It was a profound thought.
I don't even think I have written about it much. Maybe metaphorically, but generally I try to stay away from that stuff. Where to begin? And how many pieces? And, and, and...
This is my real struggle...if I open the beans, then what happens? How do I know I can survive the opening?

Faith, I guess. I have to trust that closer examination of my life won't kill me (which is a real, even if irrational, fear I have). I'm beginning to understand my energy system better through this too. I know I can feel the presence of people who aren't standing in front of me, but can I also access my own childhood energy? Can I also sit with those images and feelings?

How do I CREATE fear artistically?
How do I face this part of me that would rather just keep writing until my fingers fell off?
What does the blank canvas represent?

Another good book I read recently is called "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" and a big point in that book was writing a mission statement. You can write a personal one, one for your relationship, one for your family, for a project, for work, etc. It helps you clearly define your purpose and keep you on track.

I'll start there.

My mission is to tap into my wealth of creativity by exploring my shadow side, opening up to my intuition, and letting my experience of life be reflected in my art.

Wow, that just tumbled right out.

I had a moment with a friend recently, talking about how I dress, and I realized that I have this love hate relationship with my wardrobe. But the exciting part is that I have made that choice. I picked out/bought the clothes, I choose when to wear them, I choose how they fit, etc. Because I have all the power in deciding what I wear, there's no reason I should hate anything I wear. There's no reason I should feel shame or awkwardness...and really no reason I should keep things that don't make me feel good. When designing clothes, I'll keep that in mind. It's not just what looks cool or trendy, but how I want to experience myself. Do I want to be comfortable? Do I want to be versatile? Do I want clothes that do or don't accentuate certain parts? All those things should go into designing. I want to feel and look confident and stylish. I can create that.

Okay, I won't go on anymore. I am trying to make these entries somewhat readable and enjoyable. If I have more to say I can always come back...:)

The Plan

2005-12-27T14:29:00.000-08:00

I'm on "vacation" at this point...trying to catch up on some relaxation before the new year starts. But of course, inspiration doesn't take vacation and my mind reels with ideas and concepts as I fall asleep.
Here's something interesting: I am feeling more inclined to do personal art not just to express myself or reflect, but I am feeling drawn to communicate to otehrs how I feel about them. I think I have rarely thought "Hmm, I will make this piece for someone," unless it was a birthday or holiday present. But I realize that I feel a lot of love for friends and family and those people play really important parts in my life and I want to honor them with that.
Challenge: I have so many ideas, where do I start?
And our place is so small, I feel cramped. I will create anyways, I know, but still. I am dreaming of a studio space.
Even if I just make enough money to break even on renting a small space, it would be worth it.
I think I will wait until I am making money to get anything going space-wise. I can work here. It will discipline me to clean up after myself. :) Lots of learning.

It's hard not to work now. Before I had a job it was easy to not work and not feel that bad (guilty, idle, etc) but now, I feel like I have to make the most of my time. I am trying to think of ways to earn money, even if it's a little. I can't turn that part off.

My first day...

2005-12-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

It's 9:14am on December 23rd, 2005. It's as good a day as any to begin. I'm sitting in my Ballard, WA apt. My desk (well, OUR desk--Josh's stack of papers and computer is next to mine) is a mess. My camera is perched atop my scarf, accompanied by my badge from work, some crappy headphones, and an ipod with a spent battery. It's almost like my clutter has gathered together to see what will happen. I wish I knew.

Itunes is belting out my 'Top Rated' music, I'm wearing an Occidental College sweatshirt, my black fleece pants, and my red down slippers. I haven't showered in a couple days so my hair is perfectly matted from sleep. I am baking tiny little pumpkin bread loaves and Christmas cookies for our friends and family. I think the transition from office work to artwork needs time and patience so I am appropriately busy.

Background: I've been working since April 19th, 2005 (you'll notice that I have a thing for order, especially dates) and although it has been nice to get the monies and pay for stuff (heat, light, food, and the occasional trip to Banya 5) I have to say that I really feel like my soul took one look at the tiny storage space that I was temping in and went on vacation. I felt it leave...but couldn't entertain the idea of really committing to an artistic life. I pause at this point to reread "committing to an artistic life." I was too busy writing to edit myself and keep the words from tumbling out so accurately. I wanted this to be a kind of project...one that would eventually end and then I would go back to the soulless life. But I know that it can't be that way. Part of my maturation process is that not only am I currently faced with the future of a committed life in my relationship to Josh, but I face my own commitment to myself and my expression of myself, which means living the artistic life. It's a life I have BEEN living, more or less, and now I have to turn and look at it and perhaps, if I can stand it enough, CONSCIOUSLY create it.

When I was younger, I wrote that I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. I don't even remember being an artistic kid at all...I just remember having an idea of order and chaos and trying to living in between them. I had no idea what being an artist meant...well, it wasn't the same idea as I have now. Two and a half years at art school framed it pretty well for me...for a little while it gave me an excuse to NOT commit to art. I wasn't "crazy" enough to cut off ears, live hedonistically, and paint for 8-10 hours a day...so I let it slip out of my hands. I saw "artists." They had a look: mussed hair, eyes glazed over thinking about something inspiring (I imagined), artwork in galleries, their friends with loud laughs and a strange and intricate knowledge of wine.

Let's see: I've got the hair, sometimes the eyes, and loud-laughing friends. Three out of five ain't bad.

So I have spent a good chunk of my life doing different things...trying to dance with creativity in any way I could...most times I could only accept my own creativity if I was in therapy. Something about the two just go hand in hand. I feel fairly stable now...and of course that's when the idea of living an artistic life comes back around. To be fair to myself, I do live somewhat creatively and artistically. I have lots of books, some paintings, lots of notes jotted down on receipts, clothing that doesn't quite "go," and homemade christmas presents every year.

I think having more awareness and consciousness is about the process IN art. There is a process that I have denied myself...I get too frustrated and I quit, never quite examining what is happening when I get frustrated. I haven't explored my feelings THROUGH art.

I did this one shadow box in art school, my very first quarter. It was imitating Joseph Cornell's work. His shadow boxes were these strangely intimate pieces that he did for people. I made one of/for my dad. Since he passed away when I was seven, I have very few things that I hold onto regarding how I see him and how I saw myself as a kid.

It's a very simple box: He wrote me a letter before he died (he wrote a whole book to me and my siblings) and I took that letter, copied it, tea-stained it for antiquity (a great technique) and then did the same with the page I wrote (at 8 1/2) about being an artist when I grew up. I ripped those pages so that there was half of each and put them in the background. The letter from my dad was about how bright I was and what he saw in me and of course, my page was about what I saw in myself. On the bottom part of the box I glued a piece of fabric from my first sewing project (which went horribly, but I was still proud of it). Then I have a glass container of purple yarn that represents my bright purple carpet in my house in Kennewick. That image of my carpet, of the sun hitting it early in the morning, warms my heart.
Then I have a few Fisher Price people (the choking hazard kind) who are separated in a little cardbox box with a house drawn in the background. Those little armless people were my safe haven. I loved playing in solitude with my Fisher Price dolls. I could do it for hours. I would make them all line up (I had a lot) and march them through the town, one at a time. It was a lot of fun...:)
Then I have a white ceramic poodle. I collected them I think. I had a poodle in real life and I guess I just liked them.
And lastly I have this antique minature ice cream parlor chair. I got a set from my great Grandma Taylor. I never had any dolls or even a dollhouse, but I liked the chairs.
I painted the whole box green and then where there was some white poking out, I painted orange in the background. It was the best thing I did in 10 weeks of sculpture class and maybe even 2.5 years of art school.

Anyway, I look back now and that piece was deeply personal...it expressed this photographic style of memories that I keep with me as I navigate life. The words of my father, the good parts of my childhood, my own self-awareness, and the museum-like quality of my life. I love that piece. And I want to make more. I want to document the process I am going through and the process is DIRECTLY related to the creation of art...the messiness, the chaos, the idea of feeling powerful enough to CREATE a sense of something...creating emotion, creating a scene, creating a place to really engage in what has happened in my life.

Some things I am uncomfortable with: having drained my account to pay off my debt, I feel humbled. I have always supported myself (with the foresight and investments of my Grandpa Bing) and now I am partnering with Josh financially...it's a strange thing to even write. I can't even say "Josh will be supporting me." (There, I said it) It's a concept that I have been trained not to allow...but I see that there is something in that letting go...there is an openness, lightness, and a comfortable not-knowing. I may find something deeper than I imagined in the surrendering to the support of another. It may become support from many more...I never would have allowed it before. Something about pride...I think I still want to temp every once in a while so I can have some play money, but for the most part, I am committed to the challenges as well as the triumphs.

I also feel uncomfortable with the idea of expressing myself simply to express myself. I feel weird about it. It's strange. I have always seen $$$ when it comes to work or even play and this is a true test. My soul and heart, both excited to have some power back, have no problems of course. But my ego is really not liking this. I just have to be dilligent. I can liken my relationship with Josh to this process. I had no idea what was in store, all I knew was that I really liked him and I wanted to see how far we could go. And that has helped me develop a strong love and an unwavering commitment to him AND our process. Although looking internally is a lot harder, I know that those steps worked: moving slowly but REALLY intentionally. Looking at each part and making sure it's what I want to create. That's a really important part of my life.

On that tip, I think the commitment isn't just about time. It's about paying attention to the fact that I create my life in every aspect. I create my wardrobe, I create my speech patterns, I create my thoughts, I create my work. It's terribly liberating, emphasis on the terribly...now, look. I just said terribly...it's not terrible...it's amazing. It makes my heart speed up, and my leg bounce, and my hands move faster across the page...I am staring at the most liberating part of myself, the ability to create. Creating is really powerful. Not just biologically, but physically working with something and seeing it turn into something else...something a few days earlier was just a thought. Man, that's incredible. So how about incredibly liberating?

Judgement is always a challenge. Comparisons, perfection, monetary validation. It's all looming overhead. But commtiment is about seeing beyond that. Not looking outside to validate...looking inside to see if what I created truly reflects me. That's the only criteria. If not then I can go back and change it, if so, then I can move forward. Exciting!

So this blog will be documenting all this stuff. It will get heavy and long-winded for sure. Feel free to read it daily or check it when you're bored. I think there's a way to post comments/questions so feel free to do that. I am interested in not creating in a vacuum so any books, movies, websites, inspirations, critiques, etc are welcome. And so is commission work. :)
Happy reading.